Is there such a place in the world where mind is at absolute peace? I read an interesting article that says that though mind is a powerful being that has immense capability to create, this creation process gets a huge boost in a conductive environment. The mind has to work harder to achieve focus which otherwise would have been easier in a different environment.

Also a thought - is it all willpower driven to think and not to think? I am sure there is therapy and such, there are exercises which help to think otherwise but making a decision to not-to-think, is that sufficient? Or is a massive distraction necessary to steer mind away from such thoughts?

I should have been surprised but I am not. Willingness isn't sufficient. The perjury of the distraction came easily and it was mild. Unfortunately it collapsed the focus I was going for as the distraction was technical in nature.

I have noticed sometimes the distraction is a random word that pops in my head and I fall down that rabbit hole. How not to chase?

Focus has been a problem. Concentration has escaped me. Aloofness towards things around me is missing. And all of this is affecting my work. Its been a hard road for a serious amount of time to get where I am - a position where I can work in a schedule set by me, for clients chosen by me and work in the way I want to.

I wonder if it has led to a lack of discipline - accessibility has made take things and time for granted. I am at a point where getting an hour of absolute concentration is celebrated and needs absolute silence to achieve it. It wasn't so before. It wasn't so a decade ago when I could get in the zone with in 10 minutes and the rest of the world lay forgotten.

Is it simply a decision like everything else in life is? Like, just decide and say - "Okay. This is it. I am going to work carefully and ignore internet, phone calls and whatever else that can distract me."

Let's find out tonight.

I haven't picked up a book in three weeks. Its been tough few days keeping up with new work and wrapping up old ones. When I do find time, I just want to play Solitaire and watch SNL clips on Youtube. Few laughs, few games and that's enough to wind up a hectic day. Words don't sink in my brain anymore and they almost seem like a chore.

Today, I am planning to pick up a graphic novel - Alan Moore wrote a short arc on Green lantern that's supposed to be really good and is critically acclaimed for the storytelling. Let's see how it goes.

It's a dream of numbing vertigo, fireballs and snowflakes. The sounds are startling and the vision is clear. There is an eerie keening of the wind, the swirling blizzard that's bringing an entire city to its knees. The city is in its ruins and he looks at it from afar - his cowl on fire and his black Kevlar breast pad glistening under scantily covered snowflake sparkling like diamonds.

He can feel every molecule beneath the skin covered in spandex - they are in a hurry and they are vibrating. His muscles reflect on the task at hand and his brain registers the posed challenge. How does one get out of a city under attack from both natural and man made elements? The ledge on which he stood shook gently at first and then its vibration resonated in his bone. They sung a ballad of failed soldier as the ground beneath him collapsed.

He urged his muscles to break the pattern. He begged his mind to take a leap of faith. His heart conceded first.

Just before the complete collapse of the building, he found out that he could fly.

His suit dried in the wind and the cowl followed him like a reverend lover after the wind successfully put of the fire. He flew as if it was the epiphany he was always waiting for. He flew as if he had finally found the purpose in his life.

He flew like he always did in his dreams.

Several days later when the rescue crew cleared the rubble, they pulled a man with half torn cowl and a faded Kevlar.

They mourned at the death of a hero.

There are fleeting moments when I just want to go back in time and take my words back. And strangely enough, the words have always been either YES or NO. Though time travel isn't practical yet, it doesn't hurt to imagine (a.k.a dream in this scenario) how life would have completely changed with those monosyllables.

While driving home last evening I suddenly remembered Infinity. Pending last chapter, I felt that there wasn't a tenth chapter meant to be. Because everything that was said had been all a culmination of everything that had gone through my mind till that point. It has been two years since I haven't written and if I go with the fact that there isn't anything to say - then it's beyond disappointing. Because it would infer that I haven't changed in two years, I have learned anything new in two years, I haven't evolved in two years. That isn't a happy thought, honestly speaking. I am hoping this frequent blogging will get me out of the runt and give me a chance to figure out what has changed.

Change - that's interesting. During the process undergoing change or being influenced, there should be a conflict, right? This conflict should give rise to an internal debate rather than a monologue. This internal debate sometimes gets reflected in oscillating mood swings when it comes to few topics - you must have seen few people who can't seem to make up their mind. It's because most of those people wouldn't know what exactly they stand for or what they believe in. An argument only makes sense when one fully understands when everything surrounding the topic of discussion is known. Anyway once the conflict is resolved, changes can actually progress.

Which makes me wonder - is not changing is also a change?