Is there such a place in the world where mind is at absolute peace? I read an interesting article that says that though mind is a powerful being that has immense capability to create, this creation process gets a huge boost in a conductive environment. The mind has to work harder to achieve focus which otherwise would have been easier in a different environment.

Also a thought - is it all willpower driven to think and not to think? I am sure there is therapy and such, there are exercises which help to think otherwise but making a decision to not-to-think, is that sufficient? Or is a massive distraction necessary to steer mind away from such thoughts?

I should have been surprised but I am not. Willingness isn't sufficient. The perjury of the distraction came easily and it was mild. Unfortunately it collapsed the focus I was going for as the distraction was technical in nature.

I have noticed sometimes the distraction is a random word that pops in my head and I fall down that rabbit hole. How not to chase?

Focus has been a problem. Concentration has escaped me. Aloofness towards things around me is missing. And all of this is affecting my work. Its been a hard road for a serious amount of time to get where I am - a position where I can work in a schedule set by me, for clients chosen by me and work in the way I want to.

I wonder if it has led to a lack of discipline - accessibility has made take things and time for granted. I am at a point where getting an hour of absolute concentration is celebrated and needs absolute silence to achieve it. It wasn't so before. It wasn't so a decade ago when I could get in the zone with in 10 minutes and the rest of the world lay forgotten.

Is it simply a decision like everything else in life is? Like, just decide and say - "Okay. This is it. I am going to work carefully and ignore internet, phone calls and whatever else that can distract me."

Let's find out tonight.

There are fleeting moments when I just want to go back in time and take my words back. And strangely enough, the words have always been either YES or NO. Though time travel isn't practical yet, it doesn't hurt to imagine (a.k.a dream in this scenario) how life would have completely changed with those monosyllables.

While driving home last evening I suddenly remembered Infinity. Pending last chapter, I felt that there wasn't a tenth chapter meant to be. Because everything that was said had been all a culmination of everything that had gone through my mind till that point. It has been two years since I haven't written and if I go with the fact that there isn't anything to say - then it's beyond disappointing. Because it would infer that I haven't changed in two years, I have learned anything new in two years, I haven't evolved in two years. That isn't a happy thought, honestly speaking. I am hoping this frequent blogging will get me out of the runt and give me a chance to figure out what has changed.

Change - that's interesting. During the process undergoing change or being influenced, there should be a conflict, right? This conflict should give rise to an internal debate rather than a monologue. This internal debate sometimes gets reflected in oscillating mood swings when it comes to few topics - you must have seen few people who can't seem to make up their mind. It's because most of those people wouldn't know what exactly they stand for or what they believe in. An argument only makes sense when one fully understands when everything surrounding the topic of discussion is known. Anyway once the conflict is resolved, changes can actually progress.

Which makes me wonder - is not changing is also a change?

I don't like spicy stuff. I don't like anything that's a bit higher on the 'hot' side. Yet there is this snack - roasted peanuts in a hot green chilly sauce and dried. It's really, really spicy. If you hold a bunch of these peanuts near your nose, you will sneeze. It has a spicy smokiness about it whose fumes make your cough.

I LOVE them. Weird, but true. They are not all peanuts actually. Few types of lentils are also thrown into the mixture and the tattling sound it makes when I chew, is another enjoyment.

It's not very popular snack for obvious reasons but it still has its own market. I happen to know a woman who makes this at home in bulk and sells it to local bakeries and other middle men. As per her, this particular snack is mostly served in a lot of street side bars which bear names like - "Sri Venkateshwara Wine Shap" or "Rama's bar". Yes, its 'shap' and not 'shop'. Most of these bars aren't the kind of establishment one would have seen in television. It looks like a grocery store which sells alcohol.

Anyway, the said snack is supposedly a favorite amongst those who drink chilled bear. Along with onion. And potato chips. It didn't make sense to me before and it doesn't now either but that's what I came to know.

Not fascinating but it made me look up overall alcohol consumption in the state and the atrocious spellings the names the shops carry.

Since I've been on this page. Actually I haven't logged into this ID, which, at one point was my only GMail ID. It's odd how the alter egos have taken over my real identity - either that or am so tired of being me that, being Sookie is just an escape.

I reconnected with the person who encouraged me to write - as in really write and assured me that blogging would improve my thought process. He was right on that - not only did I blog frequently but it encouraged me to write stories etc. After seven years, when I talk to him, it just...makes me nostalgic and hurts a bit. It's one of those 'What could have been' things which I try not to think about.

Okay, now back to work. :-)

OK. I should be debugging an issue that I have been facing since Friday afternoon but I can't help but write. This song - Butterfly by Crazy Town started on my iPod and I didn't even know that I had this with me all this while. I don't have TBs or even high end GBs of data. I have around three hundred songs in my iPod and this is way less than anyone I know. I generally listen to CDs too and I prefer that quality over anything else.
Anyway back to Crazy town. I remember listening to this song back in college and my friend and I were mimicking it during classes. Neither one of us were or are fans of hip hop yet the lyrics were quite simple for us to follow. We used to sing this song and suddenly burst into giggles. It was during those times when she and I had withdrawn ourselves into our own bubble feeling everyone around us immature and just boring. She had decided to pursue her masters and I already had a job. It was kind of nice when there was a decision infront of us and all we had to do was just meet it somewhere along.
The song by the way is atrocious and ridiculous.

Come my baby come, come by baby
You are my butterfly
Sugah Bay-beh

Ugh