Running away

The title of this chapter is from a poem by Catullus, a Roman poet. This line is kind of mocking in the poem. It is said that the monks used to write on tablets, sheets of crude paper using oil lamps which deteriorated their eyesight eventually. Also, these monks had a responsibility of chosing crude paper or animal skin by overwriting on them as many lacked the luxury of affording new ones. So they had to choose wisely what they wanted to store and what they wanted to get rid of.

Anyway, in the given context, it refers to the visual issues that I faced this morning. After a soda, I went back to my desk to find that I wasn't able to read the email that needed my urgent attention. I cleaned my glasses, washed my eyes but nothing worked. My eyes started to blur as if there were tears in my eyes. In next ten minutes I was royally scared and there was a nasty headache building at the bridge of my nose. When the blurring became more pronounced, I called up a friend and asked her to take me home. I had to visit doctor and the verdict was what he was suspecting for a while now.
Classic Migraine. Migraine with aura. Its not just headaches, I have perpetual nausea, visual and olfactory weirdness and of course splitting headache.

The doctor was very clear. Since I cannot avoid looking at a comp in the daytime, at nights, working on comp has to be very minimal. My parents who were right next to me were glaring at me which translated to - "This what we have been telling you."
I have decided to listen to the doctor and minimize this exposure to computer/TVs. It is kind of OK for me as now I can catch up with my reading which has been lying dormant for a very long time.

My time on internet is going to be reduced to a drastic level starting today.
I am under observation for one month. Have to see how it goes...

Labels: migraine, personal

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I love this concoction. Its green apple soda and it is my favorite for months now. I love green apples as such and I went through a phase when many of my cosmetics was of green apple flavor: shampoo, conditioner, shower gel, face mask, face wash, toner, lip balm, moisturizer et al. One of my friends had teased me saying that I smelled like fruit section at COSTCO.
Now, apart from shower gel (which is mango with yogurt - its a tribute to gallons of mango+apple yogurt that I consumed in Swiss last summer) I have no fruit flavored cosmetics with me. I don't know but wearing fruit flavored stuff makes me teenage-ish.

Picture: That me (with nicely manicured nails :D) holding the drink.

By the way, this was just ten minutes before my most severe migraine attack till date. More on this later.

Labels: Fun, Time Pass

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I am back in facebook, taking an indefinitve break from writing and getting my professional life a little organized. I always wanted to think that everything is fine and nice in the way I was operating but the harsh realization came last weekend when I was scrambling to finish the stuff for previous week so that I have a decent timeline to finish work for the current week. I haven't got the time to take a stock of things to figure out if I am doing everything that I have been asked for or am I an idiot to be doing additional work. My colleague argues that its the latter.

"Busy" symbol in IM is fully misunderstood or never really understood. I know for a fact that there are few people who mean the status that they have set. I am one of them so I never really buzz anyone who have their status set as "Busy" or "Do Not Disturb". I fail to understand the reason for making the status as "Busy" and sitting in coffee shop at lengths of time.

I learnt excel charts. They are really, really cool. I am excited this much about something which I am sure many of my colleagues have done a million times or so, because, I never really had an opportunity to work on that before. Its immensely frustrating to work in VBA though. I am used to Java based development environment where there is a type hierarchy available at your every beck and calll. In VBA, you have to know.
Thankfully, am getting help from a friend who is simply amazing in VBA.
Thanks Cee Cee!

Labels: Contemplating, daily life

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I should be certified as an insane person. Or masochistic. Or both. I knew what the answer was going to be. It should not have mattered. It had happened before. Yet, the silly hope and the illogical happiness that I had felt during last weekend was crashing all around me starting Monday. First it was something very stupid; like people making mistakes knowingly to get me into trouble. Who does that these days? Oh yeah, there is recession and that has made many people jobless. Tuesday was fairly uneventful. Just machine crashed making me lose my work of five hours, but it was still OK. Wednesday, dumb monsoon, late to office, Solar eclipse, tonnes of work. Kept on wondering why people snub me on blogs?
Thursday was worst perhaps to confirm the things that I already knew. It should not have hurt, but it did. I should not have asked, but I did. I should have ended the conversation when I had the chance. But I did not.

And now I cannot meet the eye. Jesus, someone please kill me for my stupidity.

Oh well.
Today, I see someone has fully blocked me from their mailing list. I don't know the reason but I did research all my older messages to see if I have written something offensive. I am really not sure what the reason is. But I cannot contact the person at all.
Oh well, good it happened toady. At least I have one disappointment/hurt less for next week.
I was talking to a friend from blog this morning and was wondering the whole day about her words. I came of as cold, calculative and unapproachable. I know that. I know that because my friends have told me that when they met me in person, that was their first impression. But how can people judge over blog, over few words I have written?
It is very unsettling to know that I am being constantly judged by the stories that I write and not for the person that I am. OK, well, I know I don't have an awesome personality but I don't think I repel anyone either. But now, I am not too sure.
The whole week has left a bitter taste in my mouth.
Ugh!

Labels: melancholy, personal

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I just want this week to end. I don't mind the stress that a deadline automatically puts on my head nor do I worry about reports and such. But the sheer irrationality which many people seem to have been infested with, makes me exhausted. I was contemplating this with a senior colleague of mine whose feedback I greatly respect and he said, its the frustration and insecurity of individuals which drives them to be that way. I am not sure if I can believe that but I took his answer anyway. The whole evening was spent in one big blur and I managed to steer my mind away from anything emotionally stirring. I laughed at lame jokes and chuckled merrily at idiotic email conversations. And then K decided to ask three questions.
He, that is K, and I play this three question game everyday. Almost everyday. I started it just for fun but amidst these fun questions, there are a couple really serious ones. Its nice way to know people, just like twenty questions but in this game (at least the way we play it most of the times) its more about understanding other person's point of view which I find very refreshing.

I had asked my share of questions in the afternoon and generally he asks me to answer them. Some days he gets into the groove and asks me questions that stump my head off. Today it brought on old memories. Memories are like chocolates with marmalade filling.

Bittersweet.

I never thought that I would like something really sweet and something really sour together. But ironically that's how things seem to end.

Bittersweet.

A flavor that dies on the tongue and a smile turns to a grimace, a tragic story that ends with hope and a relationship starts with an end date and of course, there is chocolate with marmalade filling.

Bittersweet.

Hidden emotions, forgotten prayers, postponed dinner dates, lost wishes, buried truths, sullied relationships, awkward best friends, friendly foes, soothing strangers, annoying acquaintances, closet romantics, monsoon's melancholy.

Yeah, endings are kind of bittersweet.

Labels: Nostalgia, personal

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I thought it was some cranky bird's chirping that woke me up. Unfortunately it was my migraine. When I looked at the time, I was disappointed to see that it was nearing 3 AM. Fuck. I had slept for hardly three hours and here I was wide awake. Unlike most of the times, I did not open laptop but went to the verandah and looked outside the window. Besides the glaring streetlight which is right outside my house, night looked pretty nice. I figured I might watch some TV as I rarely watch it these days. It was mildly shocking to find out that all channels have been reprogrammed and I finally gave up watching TV. Searching for a channel is more painful than any other physical pain. I ended up watching TLC where they were showing a cooking show. I can deal with cooking shows. They are pretty cool once you get past the fact that you cannot actually smell meat. It was all the more better as the lady was cooking some cake and in the end it looked very pretty.
Now five hours later, I have plans to have a heavy breakfast and take a shot at sleeping again. I have to see how it goes.
I am currently annoyed with the fact that the one thing I enjoyed in my childhood was getting a good night deep sleep. Now I can't seem to do that anymore. :-(

Labels: frustration, Insomnia

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There is something exhilarating in playing hooky. Well, it wasn't exactly hooky, it was just taking a break from the routine.
The three of us decided to make the most of the boring afternoon and went on a drive to a nearby village/town which is actually a historical place. But this town has beautiful little waterfronts tucked neatly around it. Aki took us here as this is her favorite spot and she wanted to throw stones.
Really, Aki. Throwing stones?

Aki drove See and I to this(her) place. I know at least seven ways to die while in a car. (Ex: Door suddenly opening and I falling down etc) The roads are pretty nasty in these areas and we somehow managed to reach this place well within time. (Aki drives reaaaal fast)
Doesn't this car look real cute amidst lush green? I thought so.

Monsoon is simply amazing in this place. I am really glad that I

came here today. There was a lull of drizzling rain and a gentle hum of the surrounding foliage. Its not particularly very clean but its lot cleaner than some places I have seen (in the same town). Aki says that its wonderland during full moon. I am sure it will be.
I think serenity is a given when it comes to isolated places like these. Its kind of expected in places like these. The best part of this place: No people. How cool is that?

There is this island kind of thing in the middle of the river that looked very pretty but it looked as if it was surrounded by moss and filth. Ugh.
So we gave up the idea of venturing anywhere near water and walked on the grass all over the place. It was a nice experience. I have never been a monsoon person but of late, I seem to enjoy this season more and more.

The awesomeness of the entire trip actually lies in the conversation that Aki and See had while driving. I was at back seat, looking through the window and laughing at their antics. Really, guys. It was amazing entertainment.
[This is See, by the way! Getting scared of her hand getting smashed by and invisible truck behind us.]
Anyway, since it is a proven fact that I have no sense in direction nor do I have a good memory of routes (thats why they have something called as Maps and direction boards people) so I did not venture into the conversation. While driving back, I pointed at a shiny new restuarant and Aki as usual turned right as if there were no vehicles behind. Two bikes honked a truck blared horn and a guy on cycle was yelling and making some hand gestures. As usual, it was ignored. As soon as she came near the front gate of the resort, we saw a man shooting something. We scampered from there as fast as we came and merged with on going traffic. And then I asked.
Me: What was he shooting?
See: Pigeons. They serve it here in this hotel.
Me: Really??!!! (Totally surprised)
Aki: (Rolling her eyes and laughing) Really, M. How gullible can you get? She is just playing you.

The entire drive was about Aki and See arguing about which hotel comes where and where exactly we were going. Since there was some problem with the main highway, we had to take a deviation and drive inside villages and get back to the highway a few kilometers later. So the argument had begun between those two as to where would the road lead to? So after much talking, arguing and in my case laughing, we did end up in some road which I think I might recoginze in light.
After driving for few minutes where Aki and See cursed and commented on every slow driver on the road, we ended up in a hotel were apart from us there were only two other patrons. The food was bad and we kept the conversation light and flowing as the evening came to an end.
There is a tinge of sadness in monsoon I guess. Even though there is happiness because of rain, still, somewhere deep down it is a metaphor for act of cleansing. Cleansing mind, sins, frustrations, tensions, muddy waters, hazy eyes et al. I do not like rain. At all. But I don't mind sitting in warmth and watch the rain. Its therepautic. Its serene.
Its a catalyst for new life.
So, congrats Aki for starting a new chapter in your life. And you too VC :-)

Labels: Drive, Fun, monsoon

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I don't even remember how I got this picture. I found this in a folder named "Sundry".

Isn't it adorable?

Labels: cute, Fun, picture

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I had an epiphany. I was thinking about certain piece of code that I had worked on couple of years back. It was strange that when I was reading through the code, the first think I remembered was the music I was listening when I was working on that program. As I browsed through the code base, for every version of the file, I could associate a particular music obsession of mine. I can trace back this trend as far as 2003. Today I heard someone talking about "Vertical Horizon" and their track "Un chosen one" in a blog. The first thing that came to my mind was a Saturday afternoon that I had to spend in office back in 2003 to review the code. I even remember a guy outside of my current location requesting me to access my computer to check his email.
Mind is a funny thing. The capacity to remember and to forget is like a teasing game. I can remember countless of worthless information and fail to remember something that is expected out of me. I don't forget a face but I associate incorrect data to it. I don't forget anything related to any of the projects I worked till date but I forget the location of the documents in my laptop or delete them completely without realizing its importance.
I was speaking with a neurologist last week regarding my migraine and I was telling him about this. He said, "Sweetheart, thats life."
Oh well, I think I should be glad to remember useless information to amuse myself.
An average corn has about approximately 800 kernels arranged in 16 rows.
How odd is that?
Coolio!!!

Labels: memories, music, Time Pass

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You find good stuff in oddest of the places; like finding 1920's blue song in Justice League Unlimited cartoon where Batman sings this song to get a witch lift magic on wonder woman who has turned into a pig. By far this has been my favorite episode and that could be because the chemistry between Batman and Wonder Woman is fantastic.
Batman has always been my favorite character and I am liking this JLU Wonder Woman a lot. She has spunk, sarcasm and has awesome comebacks.
There is this one dialogue said by Green Lantern to Superman: (nodding his head towards Batman and Wonder Woman) Dude, for a superhero with fifty differnt kind of visions, you sure are blind. Superman still fails to recognize attraction between those two.
Anywhoo, I actually wanted to write about jazz music which I find it very soothing. Batman sings "Am I blue?" which is actually quite nice. I just searched for American Film Institutes greatest song collection and listened to few of pre-1950's music.
Just one word. Amazing.
Now I see why Edward in Twilight prefers 50's music over anything. "That was music", he says.
And I completely agree.

Labels: classic, Fun, Muisc, Time Pass

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"In us there are always two natures at war; one good and the other not."
I believed in this line very much and even went ahead and wrote a philosophical essay-ish length of post a year or so ago as to how this kind of duality exists and is very obvious when one has to make a choice. It was very romantic way of writing things and at one point of time I really liked it. Now, well, its a different theory altogether.
I think there are at least four people living in my head. Here is my classification:

a) MB: (my initials) A professional, workaholic, caffeine addict, little rude, cynic and err...a total bitch when it comes to getting work done. The other three that reside the head are kind of weary of her attitude. She comes off as snob (she is a little actually), arrogant (that's a definite yes) and very cold and clinical. She is vindictive and the other three dislike that trait. At office she gets along with people who are either sadistic or sarcastic or both. She likes horror cinemas, industrial rock music and plays sudoku in spare time. Her favorite past time is solving cryptograms. She reads psychological thriller and Dean Koontz is her favorite author. She also likes work by Mary Higgins Clark and Stephen King

b) Sookie: She is this nice person who writes decent stuff, prone to being preachy when it comes to off the tangent subjects and cannot handle hard core drama very well. Her response to comments for her writing is always positive and is very accommodating when it comes to critiquing. MB thinks that Sookie is too soft and little idiotic to expect comments for the stuff that she writes. Sookie has always managed to scoff off the cynicism sported by MB as a choice of expression by people who read her work. She likes 60s music, jazz and loves watching action cinema. She spends most of her time reading poetry. Frost and Poe are her favorite. She also reads fantasy novels and science fiction.

c) M: (my name) The person to who people go to for advice or just talk. She is a good listener and give a crying shoulder when they are unhappy. She is the person whom people get to meet for the first time so she is constantly guarded about the way she speaks and the way she acts. She keeps MB and Spookie at an arm's length since they keep playing devil's advocate with her all the time. She relies on Sookie's wisdom to come up with right answers and occasionally take help from Spookie to keep a conversation light and flowing. She and MB seem to have some kind of understanding which is beyond knowledge of Sookie and Spookie; they think its the bias against their names. She likes instrumental music, piano especially, anime, suspense thriller, classic cinema and loves origami. She reads classics - be it drama, fiction, historical, she is game.

d) Spookie: Author of this blog, sarcastic, cynic and think that the above three people are simply wasting space in the brain. She knows the host of the brain where she resides mostly takes M's decision most of the time and she is not happy with that. She is the reason for migraine that the host is currently experiencing (even when writing this post!). She loves alternate rock, punk rock, carnatic classical, indie movies, cartoons, graphic novels, sci-fi movies, B-Movies with cult status and a huge fan of learning new languages. She reads anything as far as it makes her forget her perpetual migraine.

Here is what Spookie thinks of the other three:

MB: If you look closer, you can actually see horns on her head. There are momemts when Spookie is heard mumbling - "Retract your claws lady, he/she is simply asking an innocent question."

Sookie: She is a sap. Period. And its high time to drop the "serene girl" act. Spookie had to withheld herself from punching Sookie when Sookie is being really sweet and understanding.

M: Though most rational of all, she is the main reason for Spookie's migraine. M can be the main reason why the host's brain doesn't prefer Spookie's advice. Though they make wonderful conversation, Spookie somehow always remains in the sidelines. M has often said that Spookie is like a shadow queen. (As in Spookie is actually running the show and making everyone including M believe that its actually M who is running the show. Shrewed and cunning, that Spookie.)

Thats it people, for now. Once the three of them review and argue with one another relentlessly, maybe this post can be updated for accuracy (read: nice things only).

Until then...

Labels: Fun, Time Pass

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The first picture was taken yesterday at 8:30 AM. The sky promised a good deal of monsoon showers that most of us have been eagerly waiting for. There was a chill in the air and a very slight drizzle. My friend and I who drive to office together, generally discuss at lengths about weather conditions. I was walking towards my building when I took this picture.
Two hours later, the same friend called me for a cup of coffee and I was a little surprised to find sky like this. It was sunny outside and there was absolutely not a spot of monsoon cloud. It looked as if this was late summer rather than monsoon.
Late last night there were showers but I don't think it was for long. With power cut extending for half a day, rains are the only things to look forward to.

Labels: monsoon, sky, weather

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