I don't get this. Well, there are plans by government(any country for that matter) for excavations and ideas to fly till the end of the galaxy. One to know the past and one to know what lies beyond our eyesight. Lets say hypothetically that the historians discover Utopia or Atlantis. What next? How is that going to help mankind in general? There are experiments that are done for the cause of humanity. Finding medical cures, innovations, forecasting; things like this would give back a little shred of hope, but I fail to understand what an expedition on moon would bring out. Giving benefit of doubt for space expeditions which would perhaps be the future home of many to come earthlings if space runs short in this planet. But still, it seems like a big waste of money, talent and resources to invest on excavation and space hunts. There are people dying with the lack of basic essentials, various diseases and a there is always a war going on in some part of the globe. It just....doesn't seem right. Does it?
I am not sure if this came out correctly, but I might have to revisit this subject.
I wonder how it would be if I took a solitary road trip across the country. Mom would be calling me 10 times a day and dad 10 times. Separately. My brother would call me once a day and some friends would call me regularly too. At least I hope they do. But I seriously wonder if taking a road trip is possible in any way. Lets say in some way I do manage to get a car with a permit and chalk out a route that I would take. If I cover all the logistics of sleeping arrangements, financial support, car arrangement and somehow convince my parents that I need to do this, but will I be able to do it? One too many times I have felt this suffocation amidst people. There is this sudden urge to get away from everything and everyone. Just be somewhere which is not here. I wonder if anyone has felt anything like this before. It must be the cynical part of me that wants to shun people out, but I wonder if thats what I really need to do. So, traveling alone in the country for sometime would give me the satisfaction of getting away from lots of things - work, family, friends, relatives, reading; Everything. I would want to give up everything that defines me, loves me and makes me a part of who I am for sometime and find out if thats what I really am. Before I get committed for all the mandatory things of this society, I would love to experience a chosen loneliness, away from everyone and maybe finding a serene tranquility that only I can define, understand and appreciate. This is definitely not an identity crisis. This thought did cross my mind if thats what it was. And I couldn't have been happier to realize that it is not an identity issue. I am too detached from things to be worried about identity or its pros and cons and too old to even get that thought. Really, Identity Crisis sounds a little teenagish (Teenagish- sheesh, its not even a word!!). Quite frankly, I don't give a damn about it. (Then why the hell am I explaining???) I have started to put together a map. A map for a road trip that I might take or it would be something I would be telling my grandchildren that "this is what I wanted to do." I don't know for sure, but it sure sounds like a good idea.
So wanna join me? :-)
A friend of mine had muttered this on a warm spring evening on the shores of the Arabian Sea - "Home is anywhere you are". I never got to ask her who "you" was. Her wistful voice and a faraway look had somehow shut me up.
Someday I'll fly...
Someday I'll soar...
- John Mayer
There have been very few instances in my life, where I have woken up in the morning, looked out of the window and appreciated the sunshine. There was always a rush, an urgency to go somewhere or to do something. I never stopped to smell the fresh air when I went to work or sit by the pond to watch the sunset. There never was a time for such things. I was always running a race. I don’t know if that race was my life or if it was my lifestyle. Every morning it was the same routine that I followed. I had joined the run before even I realized it was a race. In the beginning it was just a race for grades, then for job, then for the odd little things that I did to keep my family and society happy. I did my job well and had fun in the evenings. I did the right things, said the right words, married the right person, got the right job, and took the right vacation. But was I leading the right life? The way I wanted to? I will never know. Time always bound me to one or the other chore. Or did I bind myself?
I have always had a dream. In that dream I am an Eagle. Racing the wind to the horizon. I smile at sunshine, whisper to the w
All I want is a life of merriment spent with the ones dear to my heart.
Maybe I would have packed my bags right away for the weekend if I hadn’t known I am dying of cancer.
"...As if being in love is an incomplete sentence unless it was with each other"
Thank you for walking with me and making spring seem lovelier and the sun seem warmer, to cut out the din of the world while letting me hear the whistles of the birds as an interlude. As foolishly unctuous as this may seem, I have nothing more than honest words to offer: I am glad we are together walking towards disparate futures but still together.
It was a pleasure finding you and in the process finding myself.
"How was your day? I just came in."
"Day was ok. Nothing special. Just the routine."
“Would you like to drink some juice?”
"Sure."
I took out guava pineapple cocktail in a tall tumbler for her and orange juice for me.
"It’s a beautiful night."
"Yes. Yes it is."
"Its a nice view from here isn’t it?"
"Yes. Let’s have this drink in the balcony."
That was my most brilliant idea for the day. Full moon, cool drink, independence and absolutely no hassles. At least for that moment.
"Mom called me today. She has found a match for me. A guy from somewhere around
I turned off the lights as she moved towards balcony. It was a clear cloudless sky. The only source of light was moon and twinkle of the stars. For a few moments we were enjoying the stillness. Silence was very comfortable.
"So how is the guy?" She had to bring that up!
"He thinks poetry is nothing but the film songs."
She laughed for a good 4 minutes. I glared at her.
"I am so sorry. For a person who practically worships Longfellow. This is too cruel. Even for you." She burst out into a fresh burst of giggles. Again.
"I was speechless when he said that. Well, we meet all kinds of people. I am yet to get over the shock though."
"Ok fine." She was trying very hard to control her laughter.
I got a sadistic pleasure by telling her that her face looked very comical when she tried to control her laughter. She stuck her tongue out and got up to get more juice for us.
I closed my eyes as serenity of the night enveloped me. A friend of mine had asked me about the things that I liked in a guy. I still remember that I had taken quite sometime to answer him. Understanding, caring, loving, responsible, commited blah blah blah. I had tried not to laugh out loud when most of my friends told me this. What about liking animation, sense of humor or the lack of it? As one friend of mine rightly put it, what about fidelity? Or the comfort level in physical intimacy? Aren’t these important too?
"So what are the things that you like in a guy?" She asked me as she handed me the drink.
I hadn’t heard her coming.
"Someone who likes moonlight, poetry and has a sense of adventure."
"Err..."
"I know I know. I really can’t ask a guy if he likes moonlight. Can I?"
"If you are ready to be seen as a weirdo, sure you can."
"Humph."
"Seriously, you really think there are many people here who look at the sky and appreciate the beauty of the night? I mean how many would stop their cars to enjoy the breeze? How many would roll the windows down and slow down the car so that they can make the drive longer and lovelier? No. I am not blaming them. Its just people have replaced a night spent beneath the stars to a night out at the movies and a day sitting at home watching cartoons, cooking a meal to a day out in a mall. They are still same people that they used to be. Just their preferences have changed. And here you are talking about reading poetry in the moonlight on a hilltop to where you have trekked. You are fighting a losing battle. Stick your likes to Understanding, caring, sensitive blah blah blah...and everything will be fine."
”We make our own destiny." My tone had an odd sense of finality in it.
"That’s why you do horoscope matching?" She was mocking me.
"It’s for my own satisfaction. I do it to improve myself in that art." I couldn’t help but grin at her.
"Aren’t you being a hypocrite? Doing something that you don’t believe in? Just be yourself."
I sighed. "At times I feel being myself is not enough."
"Being myself is not enough too, yet I manage to survive." Her voice was distant.
I tried reading her expression but it was too dark to see her face.
When thoughts lay heavy on mind, then time, almost always, seems at it's slowest. Everything in this world seems trivial when you focus on that one thought, that one need. No one could possibly know how you feel. At that moment, you are truly alone in this world and where no understanding exists. All the other problems that exist in this one life are thrown aside for this one desire...
It drives you through the day and and it drives you through the night. All your thoughts are filled by it. You are completely consumed verging on the sense of obsession. In the mornings it envelops you as the warmth of the sun and in the nights it comes to you in your dreams. Sweet and bitter combined. It makes you want to scream, to cry, to giggle. It gives a whole bunch of emotions in a go.
Thats what I had felt for you.
Words made me forget what I felt for you.
January 7, 1999
"It was my pleasure meeting you"
Yeah. Me too.
July 8, 1999
"You have a nice metered laugh. I have a friend of mine who laughs till the building rocks!! It sometimes does get embarrassing to be around that laugh, but it is nice because it is heartfelt."
Its very rare to meet a total wacko who measures laughs. I hoped that he meant it as a compliment.
December 16, 1999
"You asked me about whether I am comfy with caste systems and whether I believe in them. What about them? Didn't get your question clearly. Or is it simply another way of figuring it out whether I have an issue that you don't belong to the third level sub-caste of a Kannada brahmin?"
I wanted to punch him and wipe that stupid smirk off his face. Caste systems and the prejudice that people have and to an extent that I have too.
July 15, 2000
"Are your folks fairly broad minded people or traditionally conservative?"
I wasn't able to comprehend the direction of conversation. I did the best thing I could think of - ignored.
October 28, 2000
"Have you ever grown close to someone so rapidly and so intensely?"
No. I haven't. Not until now.
November 20, 2000
"Why is it important to defeat the other member in a relationship in order to establish one's supremacy/competence? I suppose those words themselves are inappropriate."
Ask yourself. You would get a spectacular answer.
March 1, 2001
"There is this one point in a relationship (with guy, girl, dog, parrot, et al) when you seem to know what the other person is doing or thinking or about to say. No, its not in the romantic context, but it is in the sense a point of clarity when you are so much with this other person that you .... just know. Have you ever felt that way before?"
Are you feeling that right now?
November 9, 2001
"The women I invite into my life are nearly always those whom I trust and I can be sure that they wouldn't do something conniving. There are always exceptions, but don't we pick people with our heads? And then there is our instinct as well."
If he was hinting at something then I have surely missed it. At least that's what I wanted to.
March 20, 2002
"I am going to be away for the next two years. Don't miss me too much."
Narcissist jackass. This time I did whack his head with a magazine.
November 17, 2002
"I miss you terribly."
"I wouldn't expect you to think about me all the times and that would be too much to ask. I just wish that whenever you think about me you smile. "
duhkhesv anudvigna-manah
sukhesu vigata-sprhah
vita-raga-bhaya-krodhah
sthita-dhir munir ucyate"
Krishna here is talking about the " Ideal Man" or " Perfect Man'. One can find the literal translation of this shloka anywhere. Krishna again talks about this Ideal man, after the war is over. During the period of Yayati, the same discussion takes place in his court. Of course Baharata is much more later than the period of Yayati (Yayati is ancestor of pandavas.). The spark of this " maha muni" was lit ages ago. But somehow no one was ever able to define it. The first time, definition was given by an unknown sage in the courts of Yayati. Later, Krishna tells Arjuna, the qualities of Maha Muni . This ideal man never feels sad, there is no attachment to anyone or anything, there is no anger, there is no fear, there is no sadness, there is no feeling of sulkiness. This man is also called as "Sthitha Pragnya ". A man whose consciousness is stable and never weavers. The stability of the mind cannot be moved by emotions of self or is influenced by other people, it doesn't even weaver with the power.
Surprisingly, the discussion is never seen in any other chapters off Gita. After the war, there is a mention of this Ideal man. And that is when Krishna realizes that the " yadava" clan is going to get eliminated. He is so hurt to know that his clan will fight for power, the clan that he thought were meant for peace. The family feud bothers him a lot but he knows that this is what is destined to be. He doesn't help is clan, doesn't shed a tear, finishes his job on earth, and completes his avatar.
He never says in whole of Bharata that he is the ideal man, but one achieves that ideal state and not born to that.
I checked out the Ivanhoe pen series. Expensive but classy. I still prefer my 'Hero' pen. I had whined and cried and had created a scene when I was 10. During that time, this 'Hero' pen was in fashion. Barrels came in 3 colors. Black, Green and Brown. It had a tapering tip and a hidden nib. Just the tip of the nib was visible. The cost of that was around 35 Rs, but during late 80's it still was a huge sum. My father is a lecturer and for him writing instruments and books/paper are sacred. So I was given a hundred instructions by my father. I was always fascinated by the writing materials that he used. One to correct assignments, to write letters, just for the sake of marking attendance, everyday signatures and one in which he used to write personal letters to his friends. He gave that pen to me when we moved out of Bellary. I had a bunch of dreams and a dozen or so friends when I left Bellary. I used to write to them every now and then. Somehow, letters got replaced with phone calls, then to e-mails and chat messengers and then to cell phones. Somehow the intimacy that we shared in the letters was lost. Yes, there were e-mails, but it was something I couldn't take to bed and then read it in a torch light, wondering why her hand shook when she wrote this word or what the hell was he eating when he wrote this letter, there are stains all over... There was nothing personal in e-mails. The anticipation of waiting for the letter to come, and I running to kitchen to ask my mom if there were any letters for me that day...it was glorious.
I still have the pen that he gave me when I was 12. And I still own the first 'Hero' pen that I bought. I don't use them. I treasure them.