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I am running away from reality, as fast as i could.
and trying not to look back, so as to prevent my eye from tearing.
Being busy and being a hero... Tuesday, September 30, 2008

OK. The last few posts have been really depressing. I really like to write about something nice and funny and cute, but irrespective of the way each blog seems to begin, it somehow warps itself in cynicism and ends with a dose of depressing reality. And I happen to like them that way.
I have come to believe that there is no such thing called "I am busy". There are only priorities. If I want to do something, all I have to do is to make it a high priority item and irrespective of my work load, I will end up doing it. I have been meaning to post this for last four days. Things are pretty hectic to even login to messenger and it somehow slips my mind.
Here is an interesting thought. I was watching this show, a crime drama, where in a guy commits a true act of bravery. While everyone around him praises him for being a hero, his boss is not at all amused. He says that a man becomes a hero when he realizes that the job can be only done by the man himself and not by anyone else and that shows how much the man trusts his team. Of course, in comic world or in cinemas, definition of a hero is something very romantic and very emotion stirring - in a good way. I had always liked those definitions and I believed in them. I believe that heroes are made and not born. I believe that heroes are ordinary men doing extraordinary things in certain situations. But now, I am not so sure. Most of these definitions hold good for superheros. But for an ordinary man to become a hero, there have to be so many failures around him (both people and the system) that one act of bravery (sticking to the morals, for example) makes that man a hero. This leaves me with lots of confusion and questioning my own beliefs about heroes and bravery.

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Midnight adventure Saturday, September 27, 2008

"You will find an adventure an every turn if one small thing is forgotten. Or goes wrong." Last night was an adventure and something that has never happened before. One of the guys in the apartment complex where I live got hurt and went out to help him. In the midst of chaos of getting him to taxi, instructing another friend, I forgot to pick keys to my apartment. Once the guys drove away, it struck that I was locked out of my apartment. It was a cold night, I was in my night wear, flip flops and my cell phone with hardly three Franks balance left. After making a call to my friend (by the way I am really glad I have friends who can help me at any time of the day or night in this case) he picked me up in a taxi. I could not go back to the apartment as there was no one inside anymore. I slept over this friend's place last night. On top of all this, I have to catch a flight tonight and have loads of packing to do.
No matter how well one plans for future, one wrong turn in the path and the whole future becomes different. I wonder, what would have happened if I had not taken a taxi after my dinner and instead taken a bus. I would not have helped the guy in apartment complex and I would be typing something lame in this blog from my apartment itself. Everything happens for a reason. Most of the time this reason remains unknown. Sometimes, these reasons make you skid and scrap your knees. When you take a moment to sit down and recover from the sudden jerk, the reasons that eluded had eluded senses in the past comes to give a sudden clarity.
After seeing the guy alone in his room, hurt, bleeding and unconscious, the first thought that came to my mind was - It could have been me. When I was waiting for my friends to arrive, I had ample of time in my hands to think over what had happened over last couple of hours. Ever since the dawn of civilization, man has never been a lone creature. Man was always part of a pack or a group and slowly moved to social structure where the size of the group reduced but man was never alone, per Se. Having independence is good; living alone is good too. But at the cost of what? During the time of need, no man is independent. We have been and will always be dependent on another human; be it for primal purposes or for the sake of companionship.
I wonder, if I were to live alone and something would happen to me and if I had no friends with whom I would talk constantly, would anyone miss me for sometime? If I was back at home in India, then its a different story. But in a foreign country, living the way I currently live, what would have happened?
Suddenly, I am very scared of being alone. (My friend has promised to talk to me every half an hour once. I am so grateful for that.)

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How to pick the right wine for a dinner party? Friday, September 26, 2008

I think from now on, I should simply give in to my instincts and write whenever I feel like writing. As in I thought of something last night, a short story, but I was too exhausted after an awesome evening of wining and dining with friends.
I explained to a colleague of mine, the facts about arranged marriages. He had only read about it in books and heard stories from friends but never had heard about someone actually admitting that arranged marriages are good idea. Everything has its own pros and cons and so does arranged marriage. It was interesting to see his eyes go wide and exclaiming "Really?" repeatedly.
I can count the number of occasions that I have had with one hand. Last night I decided to pick up a bottle of wine for couple of friends with whom I dine very often (well, its more like they cook and I eat) as I assumed that they both liked wine. But being me, I called couple of people to ask about good wine and both of my resources turned out to be pretty useless. So I asked one of the girls in the store to help me out. I knew three things about the wine that I wanted. 1. Red 2. French 3. Little strong. Apart from that I was OK with any variant. Well, this girl called her boss and they spoke in German for few minutes, leaving me to drown in my own muse. The lady boss called her boss who turned out to be an old man who claimed that he had tasted every wine in the store and was a big fan of wine himself. He said, he had to know some things before he could select a wine for me.
1. Who was the wine for? (Friend/s, Boy/Girl Friend, family, colleague (very close, casual, boss, peer, junior) etc.
2. Type of food (Veggie (Spice : hot, medium or bland), Meat - type of meat)
3. Type of atmosphere (sober, party, get together, celebration)
4. Number of people (apparently this is a crucial information)
5. Type of people - Social (party animals, party once a while, out going, introvert etc)
6. Type of people - Behavior (Aggressive, passive etc)
7. Ratio of men to women in the group.
8. How do people take their coffee (I did not understand the correlation between wine and coffee)
These are some of the points that he asked before selecting the wine. There are a few more, but I cant seem to remember right now. Will update this post when I do remember.
After about forty minutes of deliberation, the man finally selected a wine called Mount something, forgot the name already. It was really good and somehow everyone seemed to love it. People, here, I see that they are very particular about what they want. Their expectations are clear and so are their wishes and their plan. Sometimes it sounds really good since one would know the path they would be taking in future, but then again, wouldn't that be a tad bit boring?W

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The first crack in perfection Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Shoe's challenge to write a story based on the word - "Impermanence". For me the word means - not constant. I am sure there are varied antonyms for it but I am going to go and write a short snippet based on the meaning that I am aware of.
The story here is very abstract and its something I have gone through. I am sure almost everyone would have had something like this in their lives; irrespective of the fact that they realize it or not.

"You know, there are no permanent fixtures in your life. Usually you believe that there is - a person, a thing or a feeling; but one day, it falls apart. It doesn't crumble to dust in one shot or overnight. It happens gradually and so slowly that every memory of it haunts you for the rest of your life. It fails you to hold on to that constant landscape that you always retreat to when everything becomes suffocated and life simply reduces to creases on your forehead. If you were to explain every tiny little feeling that each of your cell would feel when there is a jolt of odd feeling that someone you admire, respect and have come to assume as a friend that you can rely on anytime, utter a callous statement, you could perhaps earn a credit for physiology - since describing that feeling would mean explaining reaction by every vital organ of your body because of the unexplainable hurt caused by each of your nerve ends. If you are really honest in the way you show your emotions on your face, then perhaps you could be a study in disappointment. The way your face would fall, wiping any humor in your eyes, erasing the casual smile that you were sporting only moments ago, sudden constriction in your throat, the loud beating of your heart in your ears and a sudden heat that arises from the base of your neck and travels all the way to your cheeks to warm them and tinge them with a rosy hue of embarrassment. In that moment, all you can do is nod and flee the room as quickly as possible to hide the disappointment you felt when you heard those words for the first time. One might ask you, is your friendship so shallow that you get hurt by mere words from that person. It would be hard to explain to people around you the way you are feeling as it's not even close to being rational. In a little while you will come to terms with your embarrassment and move on. But you have realized that it's only a matter of time when words that bother you and hurt you would become more frequent and somehow they would also bother less and less and one day, these words wont matter at all. They would feel empty and would be just some words spoken by a stranger. Then you wonder, if everything is ever permanent at all. Somehow, the answer does not scare you anymore.
"

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Lazy Sunday - Movies, packing and a handful of odd thoughts Monday, September 22, 2008

"A pang of cold feeling erupted from the last bone of my spinal cord, traveled through the length of my back, swirling through the ribcage, suffocating my lungs, punching my gut and finally clutched my heart in a death grip as cold as your hurtful words."
You asked for the complete line for the one that I posted in my last post Shoe. So, here it is. Above line is way too depressing compared to what I wrote earlier, don't you feel that?
Amidst my packing, cleaning and organizing myself for my travel coming weekend, I managed to squeeze in three movies. One was a Korean movie about a man who thinks that he is a Superman; he helps people in his neighborhood and that is his job. It was a feel good movie. The second movie for the evening was a Japanese one about two students who discover that they are half siblings during a marathon. The third one for the day was Star Wars but in German. To watch Star Wars, for me, the language of broadcast is highly irrelevant. I know all the dialogs from memory.
As usual, a parting thought. Life and death co-exists in this cosmos; one does not has a meaning without the other. In our body there are cells dying and cells getting born every moment. In this aspect, our body is finely tuned with cosmos. When I think about it, our body, its functions and life of a man in itself resembles the way this universe operates. Shankaracharya's words makes sense. "Aham brahmasmi"
Now that I think about this, even Popoye says something similar. "I am what I am"

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Dissecting a heart break Sunday, September 21, 2008

"The cold feeling started from base of spine and twirled around rib cage to clutch the heart in a steely grip of your hurtful words..."
I wrote this line on a whim while watching a movie when two protagonists have an argument. I liked these words and put them as status message on my GTALK. In few minutes I had a friend buzzing me saying that this line has grammatical errors. He wasn't sure where or what was wrong with the statement, but it just didn't "sound" correct. After talking to him, even I started getting this feeling that maybe the sentence is incorrect. Sometimes I think I sport this arrogant attitude of "I know better". So today, I decided to check if I had made a mistake. I checked this statement in three different online grammar checking tools and two of them told me that there are no errors and the third one said - 'Incorrect combination of nouns and tenses'. :-) Now, I am assuming that the line is correct. :-)
Here is a thought. If we were to dissect every tiny feeling, emotion and our body reaction at cellular level when we get hurt by words, we would perhaps die a little death literally every time there is a heart break. Or just go mad. Or both.
Whatever.

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Shopping vs Project Management

Nothing is refreshing than a hot shower after a hectic day of shopping; and nothing beats watching a good action movie in candle light, eating yogurt (berry flavored) on cool September evening.

Shopping, I find is no fun when there is a list available and have to shop in the given amount of time. As in, there is a specific amount of time to spent in a mall or a shopping center and there are specific items to buy in each store. I find it very similar to normalizing processes. It ensures that I buy everything that I had initially planned for in the stipulated amount of time, but while executing this, I might miss out on some sales in certain shops; or some new goods or things of interests or just a new shiny thing. I wonder this is what happens during a project too. From the company's perspective, they are interested in getting the job done on time, which is fair from their point of view. But that problem that I see is the person who is innovative somehow gets bound to these processes; doing something new which may/may not affect the overall integrity of the project is never a part of day job.
Today, I bought everything that I had planned to buy from the mall where I had been. I also bought some stuff which are useful but was not a part of my plan earlier.
So, here is a thought - Isn't it wise to keep our options open when we plan for something - be it project or a shopping list or our life itself. We might miss out on a life changing experience or a miracle or a sale or an innovative idea because we are afraid to deviate from the grand design. But then again, having a plan might give predictable results, but they are always safe and secure. In the end a dilemma remains; safe and secure or unpredictable and creative?

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Pizza party!!! Saturday, September 20, 2008

I went to a pizza party today. A colleague of mine, who is an Italian, had invited me to this pizza party. He had prepared his own pizza base and had odd combinations of toppings. I had a slice of pear+Gorgonzola, a slice of tomato+peppers, mozzarella+tomato, honey+mozzarella+apricot, fresh green chillies+black olives. It was amazing. Also, another colleague had got some nice French wine and the conversation flowed into the evening quite nicely. Evening was good and we parted after exchanging horror stories. The village in which I live is deserted most of the time and the roads are mostly empty. Its surrounded by hills and forests thus making it an excellent setting for a horror movie. N0w, the flat in which I live was a part of a restaurant before. Its a big establishment with 6 rooms, a huge kitchen and old pub now turned to dining area. The floors creek, everything is wood and it has lots of creepy passages; not to mention too many cellars and storage area. When I plan to direct my first movie, I will come back to this place to shoot for my horr0r movie.
The first day when I came here, I could listen to church bells every quarter, noises from flight (its close by to airport) and noises from insects. Its dead quiet most of the time. I like the silence though. Living in this flat has been a very nice experience till now. Will have to see if I can come back here sometime in future to explore the area much thoroughly.
A tiny good-bye thought: Its odd how you could go to a totally new place and feel at home and live in one house for years and yet feel like a stranger and like you don't belong there. I wonder if all the hulla-hoopla about feng-shui is really true and so is our vaastushaastra?

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September blues... Friday, September 19, 2008

I am one of the last ones left. The death toll has exponentially increased as weeks have progressed. Sometimes, even flutter of the wings of a butterfly was enough to cause someones death. I was the youngest to arrive and perhaps would be the last to fall. They say its a joy to see the birth and growth of a young one. I didn't have the pleasure or luck to see that happening in my time here. I have seen humans sighing at the sight of a tree in autumn, the colors bring a warmth in the otherwise bitter season. I believe the greatest insult to the season would be calling it 'romantic'. Its far from it. The melancholy of the season could be perhaps truly experienced by Byronic souls. Purple skies, orange pumpkins, longer nights, occasion drizzle, chilly days, marsh mellows, red leaves, homemade pies and much more things make up Autumn. Sometimes I wish to live long enough to see the winter. Fluffy snow, overcast mornings and the whole place covered in glorious white. It might be a bit color shock for me to see only one color after experiencing the rich autumn, but hey, I am game. Its surprising how nature works. Spring starts with one color - green. Then the color starts. In the end, only white remains. I have never been this philosophical. I was mostly of the carefree and buoyant. Is this the fear of death or acceptance of death that has made me so?

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Blog look changed...yet again

The last time I made changes to this blog, it was as late as it is now and I was as bored as I am now. I have been planning to do this for quite sometime and somehow managed to remember to do it today. The new look is fairly simple and straight forward. There are no fancy stuff here nor there are too many links to here and there. I tried seven skins before deciding upon the current one. I am not too fond of girly stuff which ironically the most popular on web. I find mixing black and pink to be very alluring and web designers seem to think in that way as well. There are huge number of skins based on these colors only. Its like watching two extremes of nature coming together. Its very sensual sometimes and sometimes its plain exciting. The thing that captured my attention is the stiletto in side bar and turquoise color splashes.
Finding was one thing. Next came fixing this HTML page to suit my needs. For last year and half, I have been drowned in Swings, thus HTML seems a little foreign to me. In the end I remembered that color specification is actually given in CSS which is declared (or whatever) in the beginning of the sheet. I have to still find a way to fix the font.

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Fanficiton fixation Thursday, September 18, 2008

My latest fad/obsession is fan fiction; both reading them and writing them. No matter how crappy the story is, I would still read them. Some are so irritating and annoying that I feel like leaving dirty flaming comments which would be lengthier than the original story itself. I know that am not a great writer, but for me being in character is the most important thing. If you deviate from the character, I see little point in calling it "fan fiction". I have seen authors' in fan-world giving lots of excuses/reasoning behind their character's behavior along the lines of "its my story" and "anything is possible" or "character development". Its not that I hate those kind of fictions but I fail to connect with them. But then again, its just me; an obsessive freak about characterization, thats all.
I like the way Smita Jain writes; be it her blogs or her book(s). Her posts are like a ramble, a conversation shared with a friend. I enjoy reading her posts and read them regularly.
I am back in the world of writing blogs on a daily basis since I am convinced that no one really visits my blog. :-)
Here is a parting thought. Today my colleague, who happens to be a German, told me that he ran a search on my name and didn't find any references except LinkedIn connections. He was surprised that I was not a part of any mailing archive or any technical groups. I told him I used my alias everywhere and he was pretty surprised about it. He didn't see a point in using an alias in a technical forum. But I for one, see no need to use my real name.
With the invasion of social networking and other websites, anonymity is becoming a luxury.

Thats all for today!

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Believing is seeing Sunday, September 14, 2008

Summary: Life comes in a pair of opposites. Universe itself is created that way. Life and death co-exists in this cosmos and one doesn't have an existence without the other.
----
"A new beginning can start from the depths of an end; like winter", she said.
"A grand beginning can only grow from the death of a life; like autumn", he said.
"True love is seen in the eyes of the mother when she sees her new born child", she said.
"True love is seen in the eyes of the mother who sees the first spark of wisdom twinkle in the eyes of her newborn; the child knows that the love his mom has for him is the purest of all", he said.
"Disappointment is when a little boy sees his first grades of his life which tells him that he is not the best in class", she said.
"Disappointment is when that little boy's mom asks him how come he wasn't the first in his class", he said.
"First kiss is nerves and a quick smack; like a tennis shot", she said.
"First kiss is liberating and free falling; like skydiving", he said.
"Growing up is learning about responsibility and power, planning future and channeling life in a pre-determined path", she said.
"Growing up is full of friendships, first love, heart breaks, part-time jobs, cramming for exams and dreaming of becoming a superhero", he said.
"It's important to know what we are before we try to find out who we are", she said.
"The journey of finding oneself begins with losing one's self", he said.
"Choices help us make our own destiny", she said.
"Choice is an illusion; it is choosing the most logical fork in the given path with a semi-predicted outcome", he said.
"Suffering comes from attachment", she said.
"Hope and anticipation of better things comes after suffering from attachment", he said.
"Cruelty is when a man takes another man's life for the sake of petty profits; be it emotional or monitory", she said.
"Cruelty is when a man doesn't help a fellow human in need and hurts him because of differences in their beliefs", he said.
"Reality is merely a sum of twists and turns of decisions that you take and every time you make a choice, you create a new path for reality", she said.
"Reality is merely a balance of opposites", he said.
"Love is me; marriage is a whole lot of people, church, wedding license, gown fitting, endless shopping, planning, stress and lots of drama", she said.
"Love is us; marriage is us; everything else is unimportant", he said.
"Being a good mother is the most rewarding experience of all", she said.
"Raising a responsible child is the most rewarding experience of all", he said.
"The worst thing that can happen to a parent is to get hurt by their children", she said.
"The worst thing that can happen to a parent is to watch their child getting hurt by their grand child", he said.
"No matter how you grip the sand, it always slips away; like life", she said.
"If you add water to the sand, it stays put for sometime, however little time that is; like life", he said.
"Death is the grand finale of life which in its wake leaves a bunch of memories", she said.
"Death is a spectacular beginning of an adventure that no living person has experienced before", he said.
"Everything in this universe comes to an end", she said.
"Everything in this universe goes back to the beginning", he said.
"Believing is by seeing", she said.
"Believing is seeing", he said.
"Coffee?", she said.
"Smoothie", he said.

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