Running away

The title of this chapter is from a poem by Catullus, a Roman poet. This line is kind of mocking in the poem. It is said that the monks used to write on tablets, sheets of crude paper using oil lamps which deteriorated their eyesight eventually. Also, these monks had a responsibility of chosing crude paper or animal skin by overwriting on them as many lacked the luxury of affording new ones. So they had to choose wisely what they wanted to store and what they wanted to get rid of.

Anyway, in the given context, it refers to the visual issues that I faced this morning. After a soda, I went back to my desk to find that I wasn't able to read the email that needed my urgent attention. I cleaned my glasses, washed my eyes but nothing worked. My eyes started to blur as if there were tears in my eyes. In next ten minutes I was royally scared and there was a nasty headache building at the bridge of my nose. When the blurring became more pronounced, I called up a friend and asked her to take me home. I had to visit doctor and the verdict was what he was suspecting for a while now.
Classic Migraine. Migraine with aura. Its not just headaches, I have perpetual nausea, visual and olfactory weirdness and of course splitting headache.

The doctor was very clear. Since I cannot avoid looking at a comp in the daytime, at nights, working on comp has to be very minimal. My parents who were right next to me were glaring at me which translated to - "This what we have been telling you."
I have decided to listen to the doctor and minimize this exposure to computer/TVs. It is kind of OK for me as now I can catch up with my reading which has been lying dormant for a very long time.

My time on internet is going to be reduced to a drastic level starting today.
I am under observation for one month. Have to see how it goes...

Labels: migraine, personal

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I should be certified as an insane person. Or masochistic. Or both. I knew what the answer was going to be. It should not have mattered. It had happened before. Yet, the silly hope and the illogical happiness that I had felt during last weekend was crashing all around me starting Monday. First it was something very stupid; like people making mistakes knowingly to get me into trouble. Who does that these days? Oh yeah, there is recession and that has made many people jobless. Tuesday was fairly uneventful. Just machine crashed making me lose my work of five hours, but it was still OK. Wednesday, dumb monsoon, late to office, Solar eclipse, tonnes of work. Kept on wondering why people snub me on blogs?
Thursday was worst perhaps to confirm the things that I already knew. It should not have hurt, but it did. I should not have asked, but I did. I should have ended the conversation when I had the chance. But I did not.

And now I cannot meet the eye. Jesus, someone please kill me for my stupidity.

Oh well.
Today, I see someone has fully blocked me from their mailing list. I don't know the reason but I did research all my older messages to see if I have written something offensive. I am really not sure what the reason is. But I cannot contact the person at all.
Oh well, good it happened toady. At least I have one disappointment/hurt less for next week.
I was talking to a friend from blog this morning and was wondering the whole day about her words. I came of as cold, calculative and unapproachable. I know that. I know that because my friends have told me that when they met me in person, that was their first impression. But how can people judge over blog, over few words I have written?
It is very unsettling to know that I am being constantly judged by the stories that I write and not for the person that I am. OK, well, I know I don't have an awesome personality but I don't think I repel anyone either. But now, I am not too sure.
The whole week has left a bitter taste in my mouth.
Ugh!

Labels: melancholy, personal

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I just want this week to end. I don't mind the stress that a deadline automatically puts on my head nor do I worry about reports and such. But the sheer irrationality which many people seem to have been infested with, makes me exhausted. I was contemplating this with a senior colleague of mine whose feedback I greatly respect and he said, its the frustration and insecurity of individuals which drives them to be that way. I am not sure if I can believe that but I took his answer anyway. The whole evening was spent in one big blur and I managed to steer my mind away from anything emotionally stirring. I laughed at lame jokes and chuckled merrily at idiotic email conversations. And then K decided to ask three questions.
He, that is K, and I play this three question game everyday. Almost everyday. I started it just for fun but amidst these fun questions, there are a couple really serious ones. Its nice way to know people, just like twenty questions but in this game (at least the way we play it most of the times) its more about understanding other person's point of view which I find very refreshing.

I had asked my share of questions in the afternoon and generally he asks me to answer them. Some days he gets into the groove and asks me questions that stump my head off. Today it brought on old memories. Memories are like chocolates with marmalade filling.

Bittersweet.

I never thought that I would like something really sweet and something really sour together. But ironically that's how things seem to end.

Bittersweet.

A flavor that dies on the tongue and a smile turns to a grimace, a tragic story that ends with hope and a relationship starts with an end date and of course, there is chocolate with marmalade filling.

Bittersweet.

Hidden emotions, forgotten prayers, postponed dinner dates, lost wishes, buried truths, sullied relationships, awkward best friends, friendly foes, soothing strangers, annoying acquaintances, closet romantics, monsoon's melancholy.

Yeah, endings are kind of bittersweet.

Labels: Nostalgia, personal

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I feel an incessant need for talking when I don't want to hear my mind. Not liking the thoughts of one's own mind is quite depressing innit? More depressing is this kind of a "need" arises at late in the night when one half of the world is sleeping and the other is hard at work. If there are people who aren't sleeping or who are jobless, then they generally not in the mood to talk. No, I don't blame them. Its just that I seem to have a rotten luck with the timing.

And that's how the world has turned and left me here.
Four years ago, I read in a friend's blog that he blogged frequently because it felt easier to write than to make a person understand the complexity of the mind's mentations or the paradox of feeling of lacking something integral with in self and not be able to communicate that to another human being. I wrote a comment asking him to take a hike. It had not bothered him one bit that I was the only person perhaps, who read his blog as frequently as he blogged, which was everyday. He said that he will take that hike the day when I feel the same.
I called him thirty minutes ago but unfortunately he was busy in a meeting.
I am simply being whimsical, I suppose.
A few horror movies, studying for certification, black coffee, industrial rock music, Criminal Minds and few days of migraine will make all better.
Tomorrow is going to be extremely entertaining!

Labels: Nostalgia, personal

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Tired. Frustrated. Annoyed. Exhausted. Cold. Fever. Migraine. Lack Of Sleep.
What more is there to say?
Explains a lot doesn't it? One more day till I get out of this purgatory.
Tomorrow, hopefully does not start with a painful headache.

Labels: frustration, personal

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There is something really haunting about June sky. I took this picture this morning. I have been meaning to take a picture but somehow keep forgetting it. The sky was simply beautiful. The momentary calmness and serenity that I felt made me forget the migraine that I woke up with. Migraines are intolerable when there is a annoyance and frustration resides. So today by 10 AM office was pure purgatory. I took up my friend's offer and went out to pick up coffee.
I am a little partial to monsoon compared to other seasons especially here in my hometown as the weather gets very pleasant and there is a breeze which hums in the background. I really cannot explain the contentment that I get when I am sitting in the cafeteria staring at blue and white sky and sipping on a mug of cappuccino. Its hard to explain the contentment one gets by appreciating natural beauty. Its not goal oriented, its not because of financial gain and the best part is that it has nothing to do with the person who is looking at it. Its the disjointedness, I think which makes the experience all the more agonizingly wonderful. I wonder if this is what people keep searching for. A state of mind in which there are no conditions to be covered, no hurdles to be crossed and no goals to be attained. It just is. Its as simple as that.
Its already end of the month I think I will be missing this blue-white June sky. Monsoon is set and the same blue sky will be covered with darker colored clouds and that ain't fun.
Oh well, at least I finally remembered to take this picture; something to hold on to for next eleven months till the same nostalgic contentment feeling will hit me.

Labels: Fun, personal

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My productivity is only seven hours a day (out of 9.15 hours which I spend in office. The additional few hours that I spend at home working, is uncredited and unaccounted for). Its a fact that it has been proved. I think there was some sort of fancy report bound in a glossy plastic file was handed out in of the sessions that I attended on productivity. This week, I have been working a lot. By lunch, I find that I have finished most of the stuff that I have planned for the day and by Wednesday, it started freaking me out a little. I found myself taking first break for the day at 3 PM or so, eating lunch at desk while reviewing design document or some code. By Wednesday evening I was fully exhausted.
I called Aki to check if everything was fine with her and mostly because I was feeling kind of bored.
After few minutes of talking she asked me about office and I told her that I was getting more work done since I had no distractions. I ranted for five minutes as to how bored I was in office since I did not get many phone calls or emails. So this made me clear all my backlog of work which had been pending for couple of weeks now. I finished my rant by telling her that even though I have been working my ass off and being extremely productive, something was amiss. I stopped to take a swig of pineapple juice and she was silent for couple of moments. ANd then she asked me.
"M, is this your weird and round about way of telling me that you miss me?" I was surprised. There was no point lying to her.
"Yeah, I guess so." She laughed and then continued conversation without making a bid deal out of it for which I am thankful. We chatted for few more minutes and hung up feeling a little better.
Before I think myself as a character from a lame teen drama, I think I will stop this now.

BTW, am currently watching FF10 walkthrough. The story line is pretty lame. I have seen bloggers talking about FF12 being much better however Advent Children: FF7 being the best of all. Hmm..should give FF12 a try. Soon.

Labels: Fun, personal, Time Pass

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I bought this today. Well, its not exactly the same, but quite similar to what I got. What I purchased is made of leather and is super soft. Its Bata and its good. It was love at first sight.
I had not even planned to buy (yet) another pair of footwear. A friend wanted to buy one for herself and she is extremely particular about what she buys. Unfortunately she has little luck with size since Bata does not stock much of size 7! (I am size 5 and that is 7 and 1/2 in US) I find that very very weird. If she liked the style, it was not available in her size. What she found in her size was something that a young woman definitely doesn't like wearing to office.
After about one hour, she found something that looked pretty and in her size too. We decided to eat pani puri at roadside and while walking towards our latest destination, she mutterd, "We never get anything that we want. Either size is wrong or the style is old or if both are right, then product has some defects or it will not suit me. I think thats why we start compromising so easily sincing losing opportunity would mean paying a heavy price later. "
She was right in lots of ways. But oh well, I have new shoes! No time for subtle fancy moral of the story :-)

Labels: Fun, personal, Shoes

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There is something very attractive about tragedies and something very intoxicating about heartaches. I have always liked some amount of angst compared to lighthearted entertainment but of late, it simply gives me a headache. I blame migraine.
I find it very hard to answer people what I like. When my boss asked me today, it was kind of hard to answer. Whatever I answered him was truth but it was not the complete truth. I had not realized the things that I liked till I actually sat down and analyzed every word I had told him. I like Origami. A lot. I have not memorized the folds, but always refer to books and print outs which has instructions. I like to read. I have stopped reading everything and started to read some particular genres only. I like hunting for comic books. I like reading them again and again, especially Sandman and The Sadhu. I like music; 80s are my favorite. I also happen to like movies; personal preferences are - horror, action/adventure, thriller, crime and animation. I like Japanese language. I learn it in my spare time. I like misty mountains. I like frozen coke. I like churumuri. I like work when there is stress; thats the time when I am most productive.
Well, when I start thinking about what I like, the list seems to grow. Its not uncommon to see that these likes getting changed over the years. Once we grow, we undergo a situation, face a life altering experience, a change is seen in a person overnight.
In reality I actually like to cook. I never tell that to any friends for the sole reason that people have rarely seen me cook during my stint working in foreign countries. Its amusing to see people concluding that I don't cook because I don't know how to cook rather than I don't cook because I am lazy. I don't believe in concluding after reading body language or by judging someone's attitude by certain choice of words. I think that people are more than that. Of course there is a possibility that a man would behave exactly in the same way than another man when they are both put into same position. I know that most people argue about it, but when you think about it, in most stressful situation, people at some quantum level behave the same.
Here is the parting Question: What is the difference between truth and honesty?

Labels: personal, Question

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