Running away

It’s because I know that life is a luxury, I prefer to live it rather than spending it.

I think it’s the slump of my shoulders that gave away my guilt. Or is it just the fact that am standing on this platform hands in my pocket, looking everywhere and nowhere, choking on my own spit and desperately getting some words out. There were no promises of next time; there were no ‘see you later’, yet all I could muster was “I am sorry.” I don’t know what I am apologizing for and I was grateful when it didn’t press further. Awkwardness was the last thing that I wanted.

“I heard that an old man who practically lived in this railway station died this morning. But nothing looks different.”

“Well, what did you expect?”

“A sense of something has changed.”

“You know, couple of weeks ago I saw my parents reading some material which they successfully managed to hide as soon as they spotted me. I thought it was some X-rated material that adults read and hide them from their children thinking that their children are too innocent to read. I was totally gung-ho about it for the entire week and was really curious to know what they were reading when I wasn’t around. I snooped around the house one afternoon and found that material hidden between a copy of ‘Gardner for beginners’ and ‘101 gift ideas’. What I found was worse than some X-rated material. It was a psychology journal with articles mostly on adolescents. My parents were trying to figure me out. Using a book where every sentence had a ‘maybe’ or ‘can be’ or ‘probably’. Go figure. I wish humans came with a user manual. Just flip the pages, follow the instructions and do the right thing.” I slumped ungracefully on the bench. Sometimes I wish I was oblivious to everything around me rather than emotionally reacting to everything I see and hear. Reading between people’s expressions only shows tells me the things that they don’t want to say aloud.”

“Is it very hard for you to accept the fact that your parents are trying to understand what is going on in your mind? What they have for you is a feeling that is unconditional and has no pre-requisites. It just is. It is in your DNA to protect the younglings. They are simply following a natural and a biological imperative. They want to connect with their child.”

“You cannot really ‘figure’ someone out. Psychology, at its core is simply a set of standard behavior traits of human race in a certain socio-cultural demographic setting. Most of you humans originate from common gene pool, thus diluting these traits over thousands of years of evolution yet carrying something common. So it’s not hard to come to a logical conclusion about behavior of an individual based on the traits that they portray. Your conclusion might not be perfectly accurate, but you will not be far off from the bulls-eye either.”

“Is this a round about way of telling me that I am over analyzing things and acting like a five year old?” The gentle humming in the background simply affirmed my statement.

“There is a metaphorical screen between your ears and brain. The ears hear the things perfectly, but this screen interprets the words that are heard and sends it to the brain. During this juncture, the rules are applied. These rules have been formed over the course of your lifetime based on your experiences, intellect, knowledge and reasoning. ”

“Point of view. Perception. ”

“All your reactions starting from the first Saturday have been based on your point of view of life and everything else. No matter how hard you try, you cannot deny the change that you have undergone in past few months. Now tell me, has your point of view or perception changed over the course of time?”

“You know it has changed. I would not be here today whining about my adolescent angst if there were no changes in my perception.”

“And have you wondered why?”

I understood the direction in which the conversation was going.

“Here we are, surrounded by people, all immersed in their hectic lives, searching for a place to belong. A place where they are accepted just the way they are with flaws and everything and to meet that one person with whom they can connect. And once that connection happens it seems as if the last clue to the puzzle has been put in its place and everything would have a meaning; a new meaning.”

“What you thought was the last minutes of your life were actually dawn of a new beginning which has made you who you are today. Isn’t life a celebration of these beginnings?”

I smiled. When I left the station, I was thinking of the flavor of ice-cream I was going to pick for dinner and an opening for a conversation with my parents. Perhaps, they were as confused as me when it came to life; maybe they needed a new beginning too.

Next Week: Last Saturday. An ending, a beginning, an epilogue. The end justify the means.

Labels: Original fiction - Series

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