Spooky Nights...

Battling long days...

2011-12-25T20:17:00.001+05:30

Random piece of fiction had me writing the line:

...right at the core of restlessness was serenity...

Not that it makes much sense but seems like an apt (and hopeful) line to me.

It came up this morning when I was chatting with a friend who has decided to be single for the rest of his life after only two months of marriage. After knowing him for seven years the vibes from him was obvious every time I spoke to him - he preferred his own company. Solitude, in my view, gets a tad boring after a while. But in his case it doesn't. I was asking him what he does to keep that 'thing' going on - the thing being life with loneliness.

There are times when pangs of that loneliness hits me and makes me terribly restless (and nauseous. It's weird to manifest to an immediate physiological symptom but I am guess that's the cause) and heavily bored. Most of the time its a passing phase lasting from 2-3 days to 1-2 weeks but something else catches my attention and then I forget all about it.

Surprisingly writing isn't helping me one bit this time so will try something entirely new. I haven't figured out what I want to do but I am looking....

The hallway looks longer in the dark...

2010-04-12T09:02:00.000+05:30

The trip from elevator to the wing where I work in is generally submerged in darkness when I come to office. First of all, its ridiculously early in the morning and second of all, its all the budget cuts which make them shut off the lights. They do have a point. Why switch on lights when there is no one to walk around? So, end result: dark hallways.

Its not that its creepy or scary. Its just that I find them to be longer and I feel that I am taking more time to walk to my desitnation as compared to normal times. Its as if darkness is adding an additional dimension. Sounds weird, but its a feeling and an experience.

I find similar thing happening when I am in an elevator which doesn't have a transparent side to it. The lack of light makes me feel that its taking longer to reach my floor.

I wonder why though.

Freewill and fatalism

2010-04-06T09:02:00.000+05:30

The theory of multiverse is interesting. I was watching Fringe forums for someone to ask THE question that's in almost everyone's (whoever follows Fringe) mind. What are the odds that the scientist (Walter) was able to observe and crossover to the exact universe at the same time? In the finale of season one, he explains the concepts and basic theory behind multiverses. Branching of universe with every choice each man makes. So imagine the number of universes present.

So the question on the forum was quite simple. What are the odds that I might find myself in the other universe? For example the victims of an accident which happens in universe stop existing but in other universe they may continue to exist and have kids. These kids will not exist in the first universe, so the odds of finding the kid there in the first universe is absolutely nill. Then how does the theory works?

One probability is in applying philosophy of fatalism. Conservation of choice can be applied to a universe thus attaining balance and correct long term descrepencies. So the people who died in accident in first universe may die of some disease in the second. The reasons may vary but the balance is still maintained. So number of people in all of the universes always remain the same but the state in which they exist may differ.It might seem that everyone has freewill but in the longrun its of minor importance.

Of Imaginary and invisible images...

2010-03-14T14:22:00.000+05:30

I am disappointed for losing my ease in writing/blogging here the way I used to before. Its surprising that everything that came to my head in past few months was also evaporated with time since I never really bothered to jot down what I was thinking all about. The ideas, the thoughts, the idiosyncracies that come and go are permanently lost if they are not recorded somewhere. The importance of it is never the criteria for making a permanent account out of it. Its more of acknowleding what I think. The charm of act of writing is lost if I start expecting every entry to be some sort of a master piece. This blog was never about that. Its the normal mundane - "I did this" and "I think this" and "This is this way because of that." blog which is of zero importance to the rest of the world. Wasn't that the whole point?
A Gemran friend had once asked me when we met up for coffee after work - What does blogger achieve by giving out free space for people? Of course the standard answer which everyone knows and believes is that communication, advertising, business etc. Her answer was quite strange.
"Data collection."
Her paranoia was contagious that evening. We thought about all probable ways of utilizing the data that is present on the net and how, if one wishes to, can use it for his or her benifit. It was a weird evening.
Anyway, shedding off the imaginary and invisible image took some amount of stress and a great deal of tension. In the end, writing here always relaxes me.

Of motivations and acknowledments...

2009-11-18T10:06:00.000+05:30

Ever since an average work day started consisting of too many meetings and one too many phone calls, I had enough time to contemplate when one of the meeting invitees started droning. Given the types of meetings I have been in for the last one week, these contemplations have only intensified. In the run that all of us are in, the most important differentiating aspect narrows down to acknowledgement and recognition from peers, superiors et al. At one time (a decade or so ago) I believed this acknowledgement and appreciation (which is synonymous to recognition) was a motivation factor which one would need for a continuous development and self improvement. My belief has always been that criticism, feedback are two things which one would need to be a better programmer or person or whatever.
However, in past few years all this motivation, recognition and similar adjectives seemed pretty naive and juvenile. Why should it be that way at all?
When one's work, one's talent and one's intelligence starts being evlauated by a third party's acceptance of the same, the credibility of self integrity is completely lost.
I got an interesting email from a senior manager who shared a similar concern. The whole system around us is designed in a way where every tiny little thing we do is somehow or the other requires a stamp of approval. If that does not exist, then everything that the person has done and is capable of is shoved under the carpet.
Its reality and its disgusting.
Its not very surprising to find the same trend creeping all over us. When the whole trend is being catered towards normalizing a group, to make the system more predictible and mediocre, anything outside the boundary would look like an anamoly. Unlike Neo, this anamoly is doomed to self destruction; either be a part of race or wither away to oblivion.
The cost is great, yes, but definitely not as expensive as choosing the alternative.

This is me giving up. I am completely giving up on my expectation on people to recognize people for what they are and not for what others think about them.
This is me giving up trying to figure out if there is something severely lacking in me to be in the state I am in.
This is me giving up always being surprised about the lack of acknowledgment (I do not care for recognition and all that crap).

I just give up.

Randomness for the day - Nov 1

2009-11-01T19:49:00.001+05:30

Few random facts I have been meaning to write

I don't know why I get friend request from random people. (this is in I-F by the way) I think I get most number of "Tell me how old you are" requests. If for any other forum, I would have deemed that kinky.
NCIS is damn distracting. I wrote the last point a hundred or so minutes ago.
Some moron called my poetry as lyrics to a famous song that she somehow missed.
Damn it! Yet another episode of NCIS and now its 3 hours since I started this post.
I have been living off green tea since morning. There is something in it definitely which makes me hyper active.
People reserve posts for comments and just leave it that way forever. Why so? Its weird and such a waste of cyber spce.
I started writing this post at 9 AM this morning and its 7:45 in evening now. Darn it! NCIS again. I am already half way through season three and I am loving it.
I met my mom's cousin's son this evening. The last time I saw him he was six year old who had started wailing as I pinched his cheek. I was five then.
I wear two plaits when I am at home these days. Something I started couple of weeks back just to get hair out of my eyes and now I love it.
I am back in Orkut. God knows why!

That's all folks!

Whatever.

Poha for breakfast

2009-11-01T09:41:00.000+05:30

My dad and I dislike poha. A lot. But mom prepares it quite often given the fact that its easy to prepare.

Mom: Poha is healthy. It has lots of minerals. Iron.

Dad: When you say Poha, I-run.

I snickered, dad smiled, mom glared at both of us.

I skipped breakfast feigning heavy dinner last night and taking it slow. Dad chucks his plate down with a huge glass of juice and mom eats delicately all of two and half spoons and announces that she is on diet.

All in all, a good morning.

Rehashing old stuff

2009-10-28T09:38:00.000+05:30

Nothing is as beautiful as watching someone declare their love even if it was done so in a dim lit dingy room filled with cigarette smoke and smelled of cheap perfume. The sentences were short, clipped and the words almost drowned in the noise of the busy traffic. They promised no companionship or any idyllic romanticism but they did allow those two to dream of an endless oblivion. They were people with out names, walked in alleys with labyrinths of twisted turns and torturous pathways. Sun rarely shone in those alleys helping them keeping their anonymity intact in the dark.

And they preferred their lives that way.

Few random facts...

2009-10-27T01:34:00.000+05:30

I am not going to set a goal for myself and struggle to see it through. Once I set a goal, especially a number, I get obsessive and freakishly controlling to achieve that. Its scary.
So few random things for the day.

Its extremely irritating when I see authors giving tonnes of pictures about how a heroine's or hero's clothes look like or how they dressed or whatever. If I want to see pictures and give away my imagination, I will read a comic book. Why will I read? Or is this people being lazy?
A friend referred a fan fiction for me to read as I was cribbing about my work with her. After reading half way through it, I had full enthusiasm to get back to work and I managed to finish most of it. No, the story was not bad. It was %!@#@#&*^#&.
A colleague told me this last week: "M, when I watched DDLJ for the first time, I just wanted to fall in love." Me: "How about now?" Him: "First scene from pulp fiction." A guy after my own heart, I thought.
I have this song - "Like a Rolling stone" stuck in my head. I prefer "Rolling Stones" cover compared to others.
I like caveman talk. It goes something like this. Me: "You good?" You: "Me good. Work?" Me: "Ok. Appraisal. Tired. " You: "Me too. Inglorious Bastards?." Me: "Super. Sleep. Now. GN." You: "Me too. Later." See this conversation? This is easy, straight forward and awesome; less complicated and very less typing.
We lost electricity for super lengths of time and it made me cranky by end if eighteen hours. I really, really wanted to work and the damn power was off. My crankiness made me decline a movie offer, reading a book and going to a family function. I sulked most parts of Sunday.
Check this. I have started sleeping less but wake up feeling really fresh. I need exactly five hours of sleep. I generally cannot open my eyes post mid-night but tonight seems to be little different.
My next movies in line are - "The Medusa touch" and "What's new pussycat".
I finished watching a British TV series - "Wire in the blood". Perhaps this is one of the best psychological thriller I have seen till date.
I am currently reading "Siddhartha" by Herman Hesse and also "Midnight Children" by Rushdie. I have read them both before but felt like reading them again.
Today is the first day in last forty days or so that I did not wear socks to office. I felt liberated.
My dad scared the hell out of me today. We had power cut, as usual and I was searching for my dad in the dark around house. He whispered my name behind me and I screamed so loud that our neighbors came and asked if everything was alright. Now my parents have decided to scare me at the least once a day.

10 Random facts for the day...

2009-10-09T00:27:00.000+05:30

10 random things for the day

I had a highly productive day. And a day like today, though I worked for 10 straight hours makes me satisfied when at the end of the day, I can quantify by 2300 lines of code.
I am in love with Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo.
NCIS has been a drug to me all this week. I got more work done at home while watching this series in parallel.
I have not been sleeping well. At all. This is generally followed by migraine but surprisingly I wake up with a very clear head.
While picking up my fifth cup of coffee this morning, I was wondering if I were to die somewhere in the middle of the road or just drop dead at office, what would be the minimum time required to get news to everyone. I can't believe I was thinking of short route algorithm to explain oddest of scenarios.
I have lost interest in checking my emails. I have not seen any of my six email accounts (all active and very much in use) since Sunday. I think I will let the trend continue.
Brushing teeth makes me fresh and I lose sleep because of that.
I have not seen anyone apart from me wearing a Johnson Baby Perfume.
I am dead tired every evening. I have completely lost interest in writing; for now at least. Its either that or I am so drained after working that my mind goes blank.
My brother is not visiting us this festival season. The moron is dropping by end of this month.

I forgot to post this! I wrote this and completely forgot about this tab! Sheesh!!!

Randomness for the day - Oct 4

2009-10-04T23:36:00.000+05:30

Ten random facts for today:

I am at last episode of season 1 of NCIS. I have watched twelve episodes today. No wonder my eyes hurt (along with stomach and feet).
I realized that I finished the longest vacation I have ever taken. And I am in no mood to go to office tomorrow. Its not the work I dread; its the disturbance and noise.
I have misplaced my two USBs. I really, really need them for tomorrow.
I have not listened to even a singe song today. Its a record.
I am sleeping a lot better lately, going as far as eight hours a day. I wonder why.
My hair after plaiting is eight inches long. Six more inches before I get them permed.
In last three days I have received just one phone call. My phone was last charged five days ago.
My horoscope for tomorrow is freaky. I am wondering if I should make contingency plan.
XUI is cool. However I am yet to figure out a way to lay down frames and panels.
It has been a while since I read Phantom comic. I think I will read one before mid-night.

Oh yeah, I have decided to sleep by mid-night. Trying to inject some sort of discipline..

Highlights of the day..

2009-10-03T23:19:00.000+05:30

I decided to write ten random facts for the day.

My mom kicks ass in FreeCell. Her average solving time is 3 minutes and worst time is 5.5 minutes. Did a number on my self confidence.
I memorized Hangul alphabet system.
I started watching NCIS from season one. Currently I am watching episode 7.
I wrote exactly seven words for my next chapter under "Lapsus Linguae". I got bored and read "Home Burial" by Frost forty five seconds later.
I added thirty two page markers as and by I read "The Lost Symbol". Once I finished counting them, I add thirty third marker just for kicks (33 is a special number for Masons) at a random page.
I finally finished game #1 in FreeCell about thirty minutes ago. It took me approximately 25 minutes to finish it.
My uncle dropped by this evening who is very much into mysticism and everything related to Astrology. Had a good debate with him about "Leelavathi" written by Bhaskaracharya.
The same uncle explained how a case in state high court can be moved to a UT. (This was with respect to land scandal of Kanchi Matth)
During evening coffee, my mom was tuning channels on TV and she discovered that there were eight channels dedicated to religion. Somehow they are becoming as many as news channels.
My legs have scratch marks because of my long finger nails and itch that I had last night. I was horrified to find dried blood on my finger nails and my mom reminisced Jack Nicholson in his movie - "The Shining". And it is also very weird that I am suddenly feeling very hot these couple of days when everyone I see seem to be sporting a sweater.

The lost symbol

2009-10-03T12:50:00.000+05:30

I did not like "The Lost Symbol". Simply because it has way too many loose ends and information which is arguable. There is a point when I just wanted to stuff something into Ms. Solomon's mouth because her talking is irritating at some point. The novel from my point of view lacked the severe direction which was present in Angels and Demons. It just clicks for Langdon under sheer stress. OK, I will give that to the "thrill" part of the novel but the esoteric significance that Brown claims to have been poignant is missing or I completely missed it. I expected something else entirely and may be from thats where my disappointment stems from. I heard about this novel covering Noetics which for me is taken care by Fringe science. Here are a few:

She, Katherine, has some sort of apparatus which weighs the soul.
Katherine's theory - An idea or a thought has mass. So a collective thought can create enough gravity to materialize the idea or the thought to reality. Simply put - mind over matter becomes reality.
A genetic constant in our DNA which makes every mystic theory in respective religion and culture to be almost similar. This is also called convergence of the minds. (I think I have written something on this before.)

The Masons' part of the novel is pretty cool. Its connecting mysticism with science where the novel loses its charm. If the explanations are detailed enough, then there would be some ground to argue on or at least understand the supposedly esoteric concepts of Free Masons but its completely missing.

I think I will read "Tao of Physics" once again to purge my mind of silliness called "Lost Symbol". What a waste of time.

Some DONT like it hot...

2009-10-02T20:30:00.000+05:30

This is such a bad idea. I don't like spicy food but I have not been feeling spice on my tongue for a while. My mom tried making my portion of the food extra spicy, yet it felt nothing. My parents decided to order in food for dinner as mom clearly declined cooking anything and I announced skipping food and surviving on guavas. About thirty minutes ago dad ordered me to go pick up food from nearby vegetarian restaurant. Mom had specifically asked those people to make chilly Paneer extra spicy.
Looks like my taste buds are finally alive.
My eyes and nose are watering non-stop, my ears red and hot, my face hot and flushed and I feel hot because of this stupid spicy food.
Ugh!

Joblessness...

2009-10-02T19:46:00.000+05:30

I check MJHT forum for kicks now though I watch only bits and pieces of the show. I came across a poll which is regarding approval of a character's (a girl, obviously) outfit. I mean, come on. Its OK to an extent when people go dissecting every eyebrow tick, every smile and many things which I never observed before and give a complete analysis, but voting poll for a salwaar suit?
Even I am not that jobless!
I wonder why people get involved with a series to an extent of obsession. If I like something, then at the max I read and write fan fiction and I know for sure that most shows turn into crap bar a few. (Exceptions: NCIS, Criminal Minds, X-Files up to season seven, Scrubs, Family Guy..this is all I can think of as of now) Apart from the afore mentioned most of the other series (>4 seasons) have turned to useless crap. This show, MJHT, would have been delightfully different but its going in the path of self destruction. When people talk about TRP, they are talking about lousy chosen 5000 population who have some sort of instrument fitted to their TV sets. This is as far as I have read about TRP stuff and the way this data is collected is non-scientific and still unclear to me even after reading about it for five to six times. And there is another thing. TRPs do not necessarily categorize demography when they give the ratings. Demography would be categorized to house holds, age groups etc. Check Nielson's ratings. The ratings are given in terms of viewers in millions across demographies and age groups. Not sure if TRP follows that pattern.

Got to read more...

Normalcy...

2009-10-02T16:50:00.000+05:30

OK. I have not been online for couple of days now. I did work on the milestone reports yesterday which made me check my office mail and did some API evaluation for few hours but thats about it. I have not watched a movie or a television serial or read something. The hiatus has been wonderful. I caught up with books which have been piling for ages and I finally started on Lost Symbol! I have read about a 100 pages or so and so far it has been a typical Dan Brown novel; intriguing and too many questions at end of each chapter.
Finally this afternoon I caught up with this week's television series and when I was watching "Vampire Dairies", I came across this line from one of the lead character, Damon, a vampire reading a novel about vampires. He says, "You know the girl is awfully clingy and it's hilarious to think that vampires can actually sparkle. They [vampires from novel] are much far from reality." I was grinning at that. This is the first time I have seen Twilight being jabbed openly as crap in national television. But then again, I have not seen American Dad in a while. "American Dad" is more political so it might not be there. But waiting for some serious "funnies" on "Family Guy" this season.
Well, that's that.

There was something else I wanted to write but completely forgot. :-( Maybe I will write again later tonight when I remember :-)
Oh yeah! I thought of a short story-ish kind of thing. Will write that later.

Drugged sleep and feet aches...spent Sunday in a haze...

2009-09-28T14:11:00.000+05:30

Drugged sleep sucks.
Well, for one, I had vivid dreams about some story I am writing and besides that I was dreaming about batman, lame music from horror movie, demon child and haunted house. I think all this is because I was searching for the movie - "666 - Something which was released in 2007" before I conked off. After I was legally drugged, and made my journey to la-la land, I did not realize that I had slept for so many hours in afternoon stretched to late evening without getting up in the middle. I think I would have continued to sleep if our neighbors' kids' did not make noise which can wake up the dead.
However the biggest advantage of this sleep was - a whole bunch of relatives came and went and I did not have to pretend to entertain them especially when my feet hurts beyond normal pain.

Eeeks! I wrote this last evening and I completely forgot to post it. This is what happens when I work on multiple browsers!!!

Exam passed!

2009-09-23T09:17:00.000+05:30

OK! I passed an mandated exam yesterday by some sheer dumb luck. Irrespective of my preparation or whatever I was going to study, it is not something which can be passed easily. The reason is that the questions are framed in such a way that the answers are very vague and it is not based out of common sense.
To explain it better, here is an example.

Question: If you have a resource in your team who has issues with attitude and shows crappy behavior at times, what would you do?

a) Take this issue in next team meeting and drop in subtle hint.
b) Escalate to senior manager.
c) Speak with that resource offline and try to find out the issue that is being faced. Also ensure that suitable actions are taken.
d) Allocate critical task.

Of course the correct answer for this question is option c.
But that is what we call an ideal scenario and a manager with lot of time, resources and tons of patience.
Which everyone lacks!
So actual answer will be: "Kick the person out of the team".
Really, the whole paper was filled questions of these sort. My older colleage was saying - " If you get good marks, then you are mostly lying."
Unfortunatly, this was not a honesty checking test.

Bias...

2009-09-23T09:04:00.000+05:30

I always thought that I am fairly open minded person but it seems like I was fooling myself in thinking so. On Sunday, my mom asked to buy some hypertension medication for her from a nearby pharmacy. I walked over to that place and I handed over the prescription to the guy at the counter. The store was fairly packed with customers, not the rush you see in evenings but both the counters had enough people. A girl stood next to me and asked for i-pill. Everyone, turned and looked at her. I rolled my eyes. It took only a moment to realize that couple of them were actually looking at me. I felt hot around my jacket collar. In next couple of minutes I moved to next counter to buy chocolates.
When I was walking back home, I realized that I was no less than other patrons who give "the look".
Irrespective of how preachy I am I felt ashamed at my own bias, however unconciously done.

Drama in real life

2009-09-22T08:57:00.000+05:30

Over this long weekend, I have caught up with three different dramas that I had been meaning to watch for sometime. I finally gave up watching entire episodes and watched only those which mattered to the storyline and that wasn't saying much.
After watching it, all I could think was - My life lacks drama.
I mean look at those people. They have nothing but drama in their lives. All the time they are busy in one or other complex situation and somehow manage to get out of it by going through even more complication. My aunt who is here for the festival (Dasara) season, watches a handful of them and last night I took a break from reading and joined her. My aunt has hopeless memory when it comes to following up on calls or emails or even anything domestic but she can rattle out enitre family tree of some guy in her favorite series. By listening to few of dialogues, she can deduct implications of those words on a handful of family members. My mom gave up watching it after few minutes and bullied me into handing over my laptop so that she can play a game of FreeCell.
OK, coming back to drama issue here. Like I mentioned before, my life lacks drama. School was boring, college was mediocre and pretty much mundane. I slogged so much in the beginning of my career that I missed out on life completely. Now I am too busy with work to get drama back into life. My mom thinks that drama is for people who react to emotions.
It was up to me to fill up the blanks . :-)

My feet hurts...

2009-09-21T11:47:00.000+05:30

My feet hurts.
There are corn on my right feet which has now made it impossible to walk few yards without hurting and my face wincing in pain. It is so ridiculous that I have been making a list of things that I am not able to do because of this pain.

1) Kick start my bike.
2) Jump around guava tree to get the best one around.
3) Yoga
4) Morning walks
5) Going for morning cup of coffee to meet a colleague turned friend to start the day by forgetting all the nonsense that we leave in our respective work stations.
6) Run to elevators.
7) Wear high heels.
8) Walk around the cubicle talking to my team.
9) Make frequent visits to rest room
10) Ignore all meetings (its not exactly a bad thing :-) )
11) Cannot walk much even inside the house.

:-(

Documentation feedback

2009-09-21T10:31:00.000+05:30

I remember the times when each of my sentence used to span across more than three lines. While writing requirements, the first feedback I received was that - "Cut your sentences short." Initially I did not understand why they were saying that. They - here refers to business users. They had no issues with grammar or sentence strucutre but it was just that people lost the idea of what they were reading about when the sentences became really long. One of the business user, Jennifer, she told me that she had studied a subject in college which was only about writing professional documents.
Starting then, all the documentation and my emails followed the expected etiquitte and now it has become sort of habit.
The other feedback I had received from my current customers two years back was that I make my emails too complex to comprehend.
My customers are mostly non English native so they want their emails as simple as possible and as straight forward as possible. It took me a while to correct myself everytime I wrote an email, which is several times a day.
All these changes and regulations on writing itself from my profoession has started to influence my writing in general. I rarely write long sentences and never is my writing complex. At least thats what I assume so.
In a way I see a clarity in my writing; just the sentences and nothing more.

Depths of insanity - I

2009-09-08T20:37:00.000+05:30

Today was such a weird day for me.

During lunch, which is around 11:30 AM for me, is a time when I read random things on net while eating my lunch. This was when something stuck. Here is what I ended up writing.

I felt a spark leave my fingers as soon as I started writing down the words which had just started to swirl through my head. I chased that spark amidst swarming bodies, under the rocks and all around the place but never really did find it hiding anywhere. Was it because this monsoon midday breeze has already bought it for you? The spark that left my fingers found me once again but it had turned into a full blown flame and the only thing that I can do now is to get engulfed in the blazing flame and allow myself a sweet and hot surrender.

Or was that your whispering in the wind that ignited the spark in the first place?

I stared at the opened notepad, sighed and gulped down lunch and got some work done for couple of hours. At around 1:30 I went for my afternoon coffee. I spilled some coffee on the counter and I wiped it with a tissue. Below is what came to my mind.

Black marble stares me back with a million eyes, grime glaring and droplets of water shimmering; I ran a damp tissue on the marble only to hear it squeak and moan in agony of being devoid of anything tangible strangely reflecting the state of my heart. The marble was my distant mirror; frustration a constant companion.

My mom generally packs some fruit for me to snack on. Today I had black grapes. It was around 3 PM when I started snacking on them and reviewing a document.

A drop of liquid squirted out of the fruit and got stuck to the lip like a clingy girlfriend. The plump of lips succinctly held the grape amidst them the drop if liquid still being as clingy as ever, had held a cigarette last night in same adoring fashion. The emitted smoke had formed a thin veil of mask hiding the plumpness and the beauty of the lips which was now moving around the fruit in a sensual manner. Can an object hold such a power as to make a stark distinction between sensually good and sinfully good?

I pinged a friend at this point checking if he wanted to pick up a coffee from coffee day. He wasn’t there and I gave up going since it was ridiculously hot outside. And then I wished I hadn’t looked out of the window.

Heat envelopes me in waves and I hear a distant cry of a wild bird. Window looks like a painting with constantly changing pictures. Heat permeated through the glass and continued to hit me in gentle blasts making tiny beads of perspiration appear and flow down in rivulets starting from base of my neck and running through my back. A whisper breaks the mute communication which I have been having with the horizon and the suddenness sends a tiny shiver through my spine which vibrates that bead of sweat. I look around to see a residue of an old dream managing to haunt me on a particularly warm monsoon afternoon, making me tremble for the lost time.

After this, I gave up distracting myself and listened to music in really loud volume and got work done. I still have five more of these “things” but its on a document saved in office computer. So more things tomorrow!

Butterfly by Crazy Town

2009-08-31T14:20:00.002+05:30

OK. I should be debugging an issue that I have been facing since Friday afternoon but I can't help but write. This song - Butterfly by Crazy Town started on my iPod and I didn't even know that I had this with me all this while. I don't have TBs or even high end GBs of data. I have around three hundred songs in my iPod and this is way less than anyone I know. I generally listen to CDs too and I prefer that quality over anything else.
Anyway back to Crazy town. I remember listening to this song back in college and my friend and I were mimicking it during classes. Neither one of us were or are fans of hip hop yet the lyrics were quite simple for us to follow. We used to sing this song and suddenly burst into giggles. It was during those times when she and I had withdrawn ourselves into our own bubble feeling everyone around us immature and just boring. She had decided to pursue her masters and I already had a job. It was kind of nice when there was a decision infront of us and all we had to do was just meet it somewhere along.
The song by the way is atrocious and ridiculous.

Come my baby come, come by baby
You are my butterfly
Sugah Bay-beh

Ugh

The glass bead game

2009-08-29T17:36:00.000+05:30

First of all, note to Navee.

NAVEE: You were right about my last template. The glare gets really, really irritating. Thats why the new change. Its a lot better now, isn't it?

Okay. Now on with the latets thingy.

The book by Herman Hesse was something I had been searching for quite sometime. I always felt this book of his was better than Siddhartha but many of my friends argued otherwise. I still don't get it though.

I had been meaning to buy a copy for myself since I last read it back in 2006. After that, I forgot about it and whenever I encountered author's name, I always asked the store for this particular novel and knowing my luck, I never really got a postivie response.

I just started reading it and am already loving it. This is one of the reason (apart from loads of work), I won't be doing anymore writing for a while. Also, I have purchased three more books which, again, I have been dying to read for quite sometime.

I am kind of losing interest in my writing again. I wonder why this happens so frequently. I mean people taking a break once in six months is fine. But in my case I lose interest every other month. The writing comes off as bland and redundant. So maybe taking yet another break might be a good idea. Or I am just slacking off because of my perpetual exhaustion. This may also be the reason why I don't feel like reading anything online.

Anyway, this week its going to be Herman Hesse and me whenever I am not working.

My materialistic obsession 1

2009-08-29T17:21:00.001+05:30

I got a warning from my mom that if I don't collate all my nail polish which are lying around in one place, she would throw them out irrespective of the color or brand. So I started collating them as I found on my bed, drawers, table, laptop bag, wardrobe, dresser etc.

Here is my stock assessment -

The first row has Lakme ones, except that the first one is Nivea and last one is Street Wear top coat.

Second row contains Elle.

Third row first one is Oriflame, the next three of them are Oriflame - Vision, next to that is Shenaz Hussain and the last one is Street Wear.

The ones in the last rows aren't branded. I don't know how I ended up with them.

I just found one Oriflame-Vision: Very Berry in my laptop bag. I guess I forgot to take that out!

Ending of guava season...

2009-08-29T17:10:00.000+05:30

This is my favorite fruit. Guava. We have a tree in our backyard and come monsoon, the tree is full of fruits just waiting for me to eat. I plucked this last night around 8 PM since I had this sudden craving to eat guavas. Because of that, my wrists got scratched due to misbehaving branches. It was dark and there was very little light to guide me to check out the ripe and the semi-ripe ones. It was worth the effort though. I plucked around eight to nine of them and devoured two even before I reached my room. After that I had fallen asleep watching a lame horror movie with half eaten guava in my hand. When I woke up at 2 AM, finishing my daily quota of sleep, my palm was wet because of half eaten fruit and laptop was right next to my face glaring white light.

Guava season is ending. Got to wait for another eight months for the next haul.

Oh well...it has been a good season so no worries there...

Pillow dedications...

2009-08-29T16:50:00.000+05:30

I love this little pillow. I bought it in a mall on a whim where they were offering a decent prize; two at the cost of one. So I gave into my shopping tempation and bought this along with a pentagon shaped one. My mom frowned at my purchase stating that its a useless investment. I asked her to use one just for the heck of it.
Two months later, now my mom claims that she cannot sleep well without this pillow. I just give her an all-knowing-smug grin. Though I tease her that she attributes her undisturbed sleep for something materialistic and perhaps not even the real reason, mom is adamant in her belief.
What ever floats the boat...

White postal covers

2009-08-29T16:42:00.000+05:30

It has been at least a decade since I last visited post office. The time when I recieved boxes that I had sent myself from US, I had begged my parents to go and pick them up for me. Today I had to send my IT acknowledgment form using standard postal covers. I went to the counter and asked for a postal cover and the lady replied to me in English. I was taken aback for a minute. Its odd when people see me, they start talking in English.
She asked me, "How many do you need?"
I specifically answered, "Ondu". Meaning one. She raised an eyebrow at me and gave me a postal cover.
At this point I was surprised to see a white color envelope in my hands. When the heck did yellow covers changed to white?

The Dream Pang

2009-08-29T04:17:00.000+05:30

Jesus. Its hardly 4 AM and I have already woken up, had some cereals and watched a movie. This is what I get for sleeping at 9 PM. The exhaustion that I had felt all this week came crashing back to me last evening and all I could do was ignore everything around me and just let it take over me. When I fell asleep, it was more of a conscious decision rather than trying to rationalize and fight to keep myself awake and be sane in doing whatever that I did. It is always better to listen to what body is saying. It is usually correct.
Dream Pang...I read this poem a long time ago in passing and never gave much thought about it. Though it is one of Frost's celebrated poem, it is something that never really gave me anything to think with. I am not really much of a fan of poems on self induced isolation and probable alienation. But last evening I was organizing my bookmarks for better housekeeping and I stumpled upon a link which analyzed this poem. I read the poem a few times more than necessary till I memorized. Its not like I love this poem or anything but the beauty of the poem lies in the way it can be interpreted in numerous ways.
A man is searching for a woman in his dreams. He has isolated himself to the forest and by doing so he has created first level of barrier between himself and the rest of the world which includes the woman too. In his dream, he sees the woman but he lacks something which would make him break his barriers and go to her. Since its just a dream, all he had to do was reach out his hand and break the barrier but he doesn't and that's the pang he feels. Since it was a dream, he could have had no barriers at all being the owner of dream and having control over it, but his real life isolation creeps into his dream too and that's where the tone of the poem changes completely - For the woods wake, and you are here for proof.
I am not sure how to understand or fit in couple of lines in this poem. The man seems to have alienated himself from the people wantingly yet he reaches out to one particular person not conciously but only in his dreams. It seems to me Frost is talking about majority of humanity. Everyone in their minds is isolated to an extent that its impenetrable to any outsider irrespective of the closeness or the bond that they may share. It is natural prerogative of human to wish and want something and rarely be outspoken about it. Isolation and alienation might also refer to the walls that we create around us trying to ensure that there are no external factors or emotions can penetrate the wall and hurt us. Yet, deep in our hearts, we do desire for something irrational where we surrender to all our senses (what better example to this than a woman? At least from a man's point of view) yet there is something which is stopping us from doing so. Are walls around us so thick that even in our most vulnerable state we don't give into that desire to be free of anything surrouding us?
I wonder how it will be to give into mind and do what it dictates.

I read a line while reading something random -
"When I get a call in the middle of the night, I know that it is important. Not important to me, but important enough to get dressed and go back to work. But if the call is personal, only then I sit up straight and try to priortize, evaluate the importance and bargain my presence or my input against much needed sleep."
I love this line!

Twenty Five essential soft rock albums

2009-08-28T07:21:00.000+05:30

Here is the list...

Van Morrison - Moondance
Elton John - Honky Chateau
Joni Mitchell - Court and Spark
Paul Simon - There goes Rhymin Simon
David Bowie - Hunky Dory
Daryl Hall/John Oates - Abandoned Luncheonette
Carole King - Tapestry
Steely Dan - Aja
Crosby, Stills and Nash - Same name
The carpenters - Carpenters
Boz Scaggs - Silk Degrees
Jum Croce - You Dont mess around with Jim
Fleetwood mac - Rumours
James Taylor - Sweet Baby James
Linda Ronstadt - Simple Dreams
Supertramp - Breakfast in America
Carly Simon - No Secrets
America - America's Greatest Hits - History
Billy Joel - The Stranger
Gerry Rafferty - City to City
bread - Greatest Hits
Cat Stevans - Tea for the tillerman
Jackson Browne - Late for the sky
Dennis Wilson - Pacific Ocean Blue
The doobie brothers - Minute by Minute

Crank calls at 12:37

2009-08-26T00:53:00.000+05:30

I don't understand what do people gain by upsetting strangers unnecessarily anyway. This afternnoon when I was in bookshop, I got a call from a guy asking me, who I was. I politely asked him to disclose his identity and tell me who he was first. When he refused, I hung up. Again he called me few minutes later and asked me who was I. And the next sentence from him was that he wanted to talk to me. I hung up thinking that it was a prank call and it was a prank call.
Now, in last fifteen minutes I have received this call four times and it has taken away my sleep. In all honesty, I just want to ignore this call and let it ring and finally might get some sleep. Really, why are people this way?
What do they get out of making someone's life a little more difficult than already it is? I had managed to get few minutes of sleep after successfully erasing today's exhaustion but this dumb prank call has made everything to come back in twin force.
I just hate that guy so much at this moment.
Or is this god's way of teaching me patience?

Moronic thoughts at 11:24 PM

2009-08-25T23:30:00.000+05:30

I can read the new book which I have bought today. I can watch the movie that I downloaded over the weekend. I can read "Unleashing.." by NJ which is something I want to read without disturbance. I can even watch Travel and Living with age old cooking shows. Like last night, I can even watch tele shopping channel and get lost in oblivion. Or even worse, I can catch up with my work.
But no. What do I do?
I read chat from I-F chat club and roll my eyes when they talk about "adult content" and on top of that I also manage to read other five threads which allows me to get a glimpse, ok not a glimpse but a movie length details.
Well hello therapy!
Hmm...I wonder if I can start a club and publish my personal life to fancy of other jobless people like me. I think not!
But a discussion forum for ideas sounds really cool. I wonder if anyone will be interested.

Gift of a name..

2009-08-25T22:55:00.002+05:30

I got this as a gift. I am so excited to have something personalized. When my friend-colleague gave this to me this afternoon, I was mentally jumping with joy to see a personalized gift. After that I just pocketed it and we went for a coffee and he coerced me into going to the bookstore, for which I am really thankful for since I got Herman Hesse's book! All these years I never really owned anything of this sort and it really blew me off to see colorful beads shouting my name.
My NAME.
Sookie, is not my name. But still, I have come to think of it as my own.
Its the way people acknowledge and associate a personality to that name makes me wonder if they were to meet me in person, would they be disappointed? Or would they be happy to know that I am not a snooty-snob as I seem to be on the net.
But giving me this gift, my friend acknowledged both my personalities - my perpetual cynical self and my philosophical pesudo self.
I love my gift!

This is how far I have come I think; to accept my pen name with equal intensity as that of my own.
I liked me today a little more than I liked myself yesterday.

Is that how we fall in love too? By accepting things as our own even though it does not belong to us? Are things really that simple where in two people have to come to terms with acceptance with each other and just...live. I guess not. If things were that simple, then people would have been bored to death with lack of relationship drama. I mean come on, even I stop reading stories where two people have understanding, trust and open communication.
Yeah, normalcy is overrated and a tad bit boring.

ASP! Thanks a million for this!

Post festival season....eating season...

2009-08-25T22:40:00.000+05:30

I like first week after a festival ends. Simply because there are so many things to eat and there are so many options, really, in two days, I feel bloated.
My mom makes these stuff extra since she knows that our family likes the stuff that she prepares so its like festival all over again for us. Even now, I am writing this post muching on Besan laddo, am also telling mom to make some more!
This festival was nice. Lots of friends and relatives dropped by and I even made house visit. I went to a neighbor's house first time since we moved to this house (which was fifteen years ago!). Oh well, the family looked stunned to see the super snob of their neighbor dressed in all black on what is known as auspicious day.
It was fun day!

Slave to redundancy...

2009-08-22T14:08:00.000+05:30

I know basics of astrology but do not necessarily believe in it. But I do have subscriptions to couple of daily astrology and numerlogy predictions. Its not that I read them everyday or wait for that, but for past three years its become a sort of habit to see two emails early in the morning. When I felt like it, I read them but mostly ignored it. Last Sunday, I didn't receive the customary "Daily Foreacast for xyz" email. I get this email every day between 11:05 PM to 11:10 PM and I felt really weird when I didn't find this email in my inbox. This was the first time they had slipped. I logged into their site (I had forgotten their password so had to wait a while to receive new password.) and checked that horoscope for the next day was already posted. Now that was weird. So I emailed them asking why I didn't receive my forecast. Once I sent the email, I wondered why I was being to fidgety about some stupid email that most people would consider it as spam. Answer is quite simple.
I hate to break the redundancy. I am kind of a slave to the redundant things that goes on around me and when things start becoming spontaneous, it becomes very hard for me to cope with the change. It's not that I like things to be boring; I just don't want to stop a normalcy just because. It's kind of creepy that I want things to be the way I want them to be. Sounds a little obsessive compulsive. But oh well...

Drunken writing

2009-08-16T22:19:00.004+05:30

I was fully drunk when I wrote this. I know the drunken part because this post was saved in blogger and the day's event were mentioned in the post itself (I have removed it obviously). I had had half a bottle of wine at a friend's dinner party and when I came home, my French neighbor presented me with a small bottle (around four shots) of whiskey. Once back in my room, I had it without thinking of repercussions and thanking that it was Friday night.

I see you walking, no, gliding across the club teetering amidst gyrating bodies who move with the vibe of the club which seem to have come alive this evening with music being its pulse. You stop, smile, talk, laugh and move on the floor gracefully dancing to a rhythm that makes sense only to me. Or is it my imagination that I find synchrony in my heartbeats and your movements across the dance floor? When our eyes meet, the glass in my hand starts to slip and I continue to look into your eyes across bodies flaying hands and legs and hips and I distinctly hear the tinkling sound of glass shattering on floor and a guy standing next to me yelling - "Fuck you moron". The pull that I feel towards you is magnetic; its either that or its my desire fuddled brain which makes me sober enough to provide me with fleeting glances of pages of sappy poetry which explained the connection shared by two individuals. You know, I actually Googled the color of your eyes and I got eighty four fucking million hits on that and by the time I finished first eighteen pages, I realized that no one had come nearly close to explaining the right shade of your eyes.

This was never part of the grand plan; falling in love that is.

There are times when I want to give into the sweet surrender and declare my love to you in the most romantic way. I would perhaps start with courting you and inviting you for expensive dining, tasteful entertainment and gentle kisses. And when I would lean in really close to get that proverbial kiss on the porch, perhaps that would allow me to get a closer glimpse of your eyes and give me enough time to count the exact number of freckles on your nose. Perhaps it is a good way.

But you know what? It sounds like a bloody cosmic joke. Anti-thesis of what we are. As I walk towards you all the romantic things that my heart keeps singing sounds like load of bullshit and I come up with a plan that is more feral, more primal and more us. Here we are at a party where we keep up the masks that we wear in front of the crowds, we follow the charade that we have been doing all these while and when at the first stroke of midnight I will drag you from this club and drive you away and make love to you till you bleed. And then I will look into your eyes with you staring back to mine with equal fervor and then I would be able to explain every shade of color that I see and map out every tiny little freckle on your nose.

And then I might tell you how much I love you.

Yet another friendship day gift...

2009-08-16T20:02:00.000+05:30

My mom, my aunts (mom's younger sister and mom's sister-in-law) and my grand mom had been to shopping this evening. This weekend being one of the biggest festival for us, they have been shopping non-stop since last weekend. Today's agenda for shopping was - bangles. I am kind of anti-bangles person (unless its a funky one. I think I will have to post one on that) and I dislike the noise that the bunch of bangles (especially the glass one) makes.
Well, my mom bought me this friendship band as a belated friendship day present. She says that she has taken more advice from me than from her mother or from my dad in her whole life. Kind of nice.

Memories of a memory test...

2009-08-16T17:30:00.000+05:30

I dreamt I was back in primary school and was participating in annual school day festivities. Back in school, we used to have three days of competitions and dress rehersals before the grand finale of school day. Those days were fun mostly because I participated in school drama and in every competition that there was. Since I was getting training in classical singing, I was part of informal school band where in half the kids learnt music from the same teacher. Either that or we were classmates.
The competitions ranged from sports to music, from essay writing to knowing Mahabhart. It was kind of fun. There was this competition called Memory test where in the teacher showed us twenty items in a span of five minutes. The students had fifteen minutes to figure out all the twenty items and write it in a paper. The student who gets the maximum number of items correct in the list wins the prize. Of course I never won that competition in my school days but this morning in my semi-sleepy state, I rememberd all twenty items that the teacher showed us during my last year of primary school. The clarity in which I saw the teacher presenting was astonishing. Surprisingly, I don't remember anything else about that, not even her name, except for the soft voice of hers showing various items.
Its strange how our memories hit us with a force in our most vulnerable states.

Of course, an alcohol induced mind comes up with much interesting stuff.

Technorama - Swiss Science center

2009-08-15T19:47:00.001+05:30

Cleaning my room has always managed to bring back nice memories. I have a bag sort of thing where I have all the electronics that I generally take with me whenever I travel. It also has certain stuff that I have collected from all over the places. While cleaning this bag, I found two items very interesting.
See that pink strip? Its from TECHNORAMA, Swiss scince center and one of the coolest places in Swiss. True, Swiss is beautiful and everything but if you live in country side it does get a tad boring. My friend and I had had an amazing time in this place. Fundamental physics was explained via experiments that you can do on your own. Acceleration, angular gyration, viscosity etc are performed in such a way that you physically experience those phenomena. A whole floor is dedicated for puzzles and optical illusions and this floor also housed very nice geological lab. All in all it was a great place to hang out especially if you are a science geek.
When I go to Swiss in next couple of months, I am sure visiting this place again.

The second thing I found: Its very interesting actually.

Whenever we register (ourselves) to a community, then we get a kind of welcome kit. Its a folder of flyers, addresses, clubs, maps of the locality, take away coupons etc. I was surprised to find this box of tablets in that folder. I asked one of my Swiss colleagues about it. He said since we recided in an area that is hardly few miles from nuclear reactor, the government mandated circulation of these tablets for free so that when something goes wrong, everyone has it. Its kind of nice to take these precautionary measures given the state of things these days. H1N1 seems to test every country's readiness to biological warfare and we seem to have failed miserably. I know its a pretty harsh term, but in reality if something like that does happen, then how would we react?

New specs!

2009-08-15T19:25:00.000+05:30

I am not the one with a fantastic fashion sense or the one who picks up fashion often. The only thing I love is shoes and that is one genre where I can really kick it a notch higher than the others.

Yesterday I had my bi-annual eye check up and this time I decided to forgo my regular thin rimmed black frames to something funky. Before my mind could change, I think something in me pushed to take an irrational decision and I finally picked up this thick rimmed burgandy colored frames. According to my mom, they look really cool on me and for once I am wearing glasses that doesn't look middle-aged. Whoopie for me!

I personally think they are a little brash though. Got to see people are going to look at this.

Awkward conversations

2009-08-10T09:31:00.000+05:30

Last month I was at Aki's place and I saw her father watching True Blood. I snickered and went to her room. She was lounging in her room which is as clean as mine (this is sarcasm people, in case you actually think that my room is well organized. Its organization lies in its chaos. Ordo ab chao you know :-)) and was reading something.

Me: Did you know that your dad has taken to watching True Blood?
Her: What is True Blood?
I looked mildly scandalized. I have watched this series starting last autumn online and I have been hemming and hawing about it for a while. I think I even wrote something on my other blog - the decent one.
Me: HBO original series. Its nice one. Anna Paquin won a Golden Globe for her performance.
Her: What about my dad watching it? If its Golden Globe material, the it must surely be good, no?
Me: Do you believe that every person who get a promotion actually deserve it?
Her: Good point.
Me: Well, the series is really, really good; once you get past all the nudity and sex scenes.
Her: You are kidding me.
Me: Nah. I think HBO India would have toned out a lot but I am really not sure.
Her: I would love to see my dad's reaction watching that and with us in the same room.
Really, that girl is evil.

I agree with her completely the awkwardness that would be so thick in the room whenever there is an intimate scene on TV (that includes kissing too!) and if my parents and I are watching TV, then the excuses that they make to switch channel or start a random conversation is hilarious. Really. They think I am still in my diapers or they are way too embarrassed about something that is not a part of our culture. Yet.
My parents love to watch movies online rather than waiting for couple of months to catch it in theaters. But they felt awkward to see the movie with obvious ads from porn sites.
I think that was the driving force for me to become so good in scripting language. I installed Grease Monkey on FireFox and started customizing the sites so that all expected porn content could be filtered. I just instructed my parents to open websites which I recommended only in Firefox and on my laptop only. All was calm for few months and my parents watched every documentary they could get their hands on and watched latest English and Hindi movies almost every other day. In the mean time my uncle, who is my father's eldest brother went to LA to visit his son and from there he raved about high speed internet. My father didn't want to burst his bubble by saying that if you pay a little more, you get something similar in India too. So my father emailed my uncle few web links from where my uncle and aunt could watch movies. (I think my entire family is addicted to movies!) Twenty minutes later he gives my dad a call and is admonishing him for watching porn at his age. My cousins and I were laughing to a point that my dad sulked for few days. I emailed my cousin my grease monkey script. Thankfully he is a programmer himself so it took him only few moments to set it up.
I asked my mom what was so big deal about porn anyway? Her eyes were as wide as saucers and she started hyperventilating. Really, mom.
"Have you watched it?" She squeaked.
"Sure I did, it gets kind of redundant after the first time you see." She thought for a moment I was joking. I wasn't.
"Why did you watch it?" She was looking at me as if I have commited a crime.
"I wanted to see what the fuss was all about." Honestly, that was the only reason. My stupid curious mind.
"And? What do you think?" She really wanted to know.
"I think they are better than most of reality shows you watch or movies of your stuttering hero." I don't understand my mom. She loves Gibran's work and at the same time likes the lamest movies. I don't get it at all. She looked scandalized at my words, of course. I just shrugged.

"Have you watched it again?" I was slowly losing patience.
"It was a one time thing. Just like the time when I read two Mills & Boons books and gave it up being redundant." She visibly relaxed.
"Of course, if someone recommends a good one, I would watch it again." I bared my teeth. My mom stomped her feet and left me alone.
Really, mom!

Sparkling vampire, Gibran and me

2009-08-10T08:10:00.000+05:30

I finished The Magus by John Fowles yesterday afternoon and for the first time in a really long time, I didn't feel like writing anything or reading anything on net or even watch something on net. I wanted to read something off my bookcase and somehow nothing enticed me enough. I checked what my parents were reading. My dad had my copy of John Updike's short story collection and my mom was reading Khalil Gibran. I weighed my options. My dad would flick me as if he was swatting a fly if I ask him nicely to give up Updike and read something else. My mom was the safe bet. I took Twilight with me to pursue barter. The book is not mine but Aki's. The last time when we were in Strand book house she asked me if it was a good book. I remember wrinkling my nose but she remembers it otherwise. A few hours later she called me and said that she is dumping that book on me since I recommended it and she is taking whatever she likes from my book collection. I humored her since she was getting married and all. OK, back to mom. So, I went and managed to convince my mom that instead of reading Gibran for the millionth time, she must expand her reading horizon much wider. My mom, being my mom knows when I do this much of selling. But I had also sold her Tolkein to her so she gave up Gibran wearily and picked up Twilight. Really mom, you should also know that I sold Shopoholic series to you.
Forty five minutes later, my mom came in to my room and snatched Gibran from my hands.
She said and I quote - "I have read erotica with a better storyline than this."
That does explain a lot about sparkling vampire hero and less than two dimensional heroine. :-)

Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda

2009-08-10T07:58:00.000+05:30

I read this last week when I was catching up with my reading. I discovered a book in my father's bookshelf which contained pieces like below. Its not exactly a book but a pamphlet of sorts which was presented to him by a journalist that he met when he was commuting on train daily.

I really liked this poem and surprised that I had not come across this till date.

All the Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin' in the sun,
Talkin' 'bout the things
They woulda coulda shoulda done...
But those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All ran away and hid
From one little Did.

-- Shel Silverstein

My new green tea...

2009-08-04T23:25:00.000+05:30

This is the new tea that I have been obsessing about. My aunt's friend had purchased this to present to his friends and relatives and I am glad that one such packet is with me now. Its green tea, vaccum packed and absolutely glorious. Its invigorating to drink this tea after a real stressful day. (I sound like a lame advertisement!) I prefer coffee any day over tea but I do like black tea or green tea. I think this is the best one I have had so far.

The green long things that is there in my lunch box can either be beans or chillies. During lunch, I catch up with reading online or a novel that I have on my computer. Its easier to read that rather than looking at something mundane over the net. I love eating homemade stuff since I prefer bland raw spices rather than ground and cooked. I like whatever my mom had prepared today as it was exactly what I like. Except for confusing green chillies with green beans. Who cuts them in same length and same thickness???

Reply to NJ...

2009-08-03T22:50:00.000+05:30

NJ, I think its much easier to post a reply to your comment as a separate blog entry instead of a comment. Also the fact that the number of people who access this blog can be counted in one hand with three fingers chopped off. So, well, you get the point.

First off, glad to see you back in action after a week or so hiatus; both on IF (you are yet to commment) and blogworld in general. But it was good to know that hiatus was because of a visit of a friend since you have had a great deal of fun.

Back to the commenting. You are right about me having all the time in the world. I do. When I first wrote that statement, it was 2007 and I was emailing a series to few of my friends on a daily basis. My work was not as hectic and I could afford to write everyday for couple of hours without any disturbance. 1500 and odd words everyday in a series which will be very dear to me and not one friend of mine replied. I understand people are busy and I understand that they have other priorities but there is something called as "acknowledgement" which was greatly missing. It was a seven part series with an epilogue and I stopped emailing people after five parts. I did not see a point in continuously emailing when my effort was archived or just ignored thinking - "Oh, its her again." I think it was the very same moment when I created my fan fiction account and I wrote there quite often. Its good to be out with strangers than with friends I think. In a way it worked out to my advantage and I have known many good people because of that one act. So yeah, it was in those days of my frustration when I truly believed in that sentence and even now I do. To an extent at least.
Compromises are unavoidable. But there is always a cost associtated to things like these. Its unfortunate that we cannot always do what we want to do because real life has its own mind and it manages to get in the way of things. When that happens we choose one thing over the other. The one we lost may be lost forever or just pushed way back in our plan. Sometimes they are materialized and many times they are forgotten.
I used to write in the dairy. Back in school it was a new fad that every one caught up with when we first read Anne Frank. Mine was a plain notebook whose cover is filled with doodles and stickers exchanged with other friends. I like that book for mainly two things: My childish handwriting and really odd anecdotes which were mostly derived out my paranoia for strangers. (I assumed that every guy walking behind me was following me). I moved to nicer looking books in high school and college and now its just a ratty old diary given to me by an uncle and there are many things written there. Most of the stuff written in that book were during transits during my travel or when there was no electricity for a lengthy duration. Weird no? Or is it just sad that I am reduced to this; this person who is dependent on being connected with everything but can connect with self only during lack of electricity or internet. I think thats just sad and not weird.
I like coffee but anything that carries a scent of flavor of green apples become my favorite. I especially love to eat green apples right after I brush my teeth. I picked this habit back in US when I used to get calls from India late in the night and just I am about to go to bed. Then I started eating an apple to keep myself awake and now its just a favoite mid night snack for me.
Don't mind about writing lenghty comments. Its kind of nice to listen/read. Really.
Thanks a million!

Mangoes, Guavas and a Happy Friendship day!!!

2009-08-02T23:25:00.001+05:30

Inset 1: I was surprised to see this in my lunch bag yesterday. This is mango pulp. I don't like mangoes as fruit so my mom, the ever patient one, scoops out the pulp from fruit and packs it for me. I prefer to eat this during late noons when I don't take any phone calls or do any critical work. This mango is from our neighbor's backyard and they gave us couple of dozens saying that it was the last haul for this year. The fruit lacked the sweetness that we generally get but the intense tang is something of a personal favorite of mine. Lovely, isn't it?

Inset 2: Guavas. My favorite fruit. This is from our own backyard and I have been dying for Monsoon to set in to see them grow. The best part is that when its raining, the freshly pluck fruit tastes all the more better. Since everything that is grown in our garden is completely organic, the texture is rich and is immensely sweet. My mom doesn't use pesticides since she says that the plant is taken care of by nature itself. All we do is dump vegetable wastes there and the soil takes care of it from then on. So this tree hosts a great deal of squirrels and some birds.

Inset 3: My little cousin, all of eight years, asked me very sweetly this evening if she can tie me a friendship band. It wasn't exactly a band but a piece of shiny thread that her mom had bought her in abundance. Once she tied this band, she yelled a "Happy Friendship Day" and planted a sloppy kiss on my cheek. I had given a sermon to my mom this morning about how greeting card and gift manufacturing companies are looting us with meaningless days. But I did not have a heart to curb the enthusiasm of that little girl. I took her out for a cotton candy and popcorn treat. No pictures of that as I forgot my cell!!!

Saturday in office..

2009-08-01T14:37:00.000+05:30

I want to think that I don't judge people at their face value. Its ridiculously obvious when my own mind betrays my prejudice. I was at petrol bunk waiting in queue to get my bike filled. A very smartly and fashionably dressed guy pulled up his bike next to me and started at the guy from petrol bunk. The little guy, with nozzle in his hand, looked slightly intimidated with the man who was standing next to me. Good looking asshole, I thought and frowned. Why do people expect a kind of a different treatment in a public place? I am so used to this so called "literates" in my company who break queues all the time; be it food court or filing for tax or waiting for your turn to take coffee from the machine. This is one attitude that has pissed me off from time to time and this is also one attitude which makes me vocal about the said attitude. Its irritating when people are educated enough to know the meaning of queue, blatantly break it for a reason so petty and childish that it makes me want to laugh at their face and ask them to own up their damn insecurities and live in this society. When the petrol bunk guy moved nozzle towards the good looking guy, he stopped and said "She was here first" thumbing in my direction. My scowl dissolved into a smile and I nodded a thanks. He smiled back and nodded.
Not all people are bad. Maybe there is still some hope left for this world.

I am working today only because I am not able to tolerate the noiselevel that we have at my house. My mom saw my discomfort with the noise which was steadily increasing my migraine to an unexplored level, she adviced me to go to office. It was a good idea since I know that office was going to be completely empty with few loitering here and there.
I am really glad I came to office. I have been here for three hours now and in that time I have managed to squeeze in four hours of work that I get done on a normal weekday, leisurely chatted with friends, writing this blog and hoping to get more work done in next couple of hours. There is no cacophony of ringing phones, extra loud singing cell phones and people generally talking. I had forgotten what it was like to work on a piece of code for an entire day without getting disturbed every fifteen minutes.

A random thought crossed my mind few minutes ago:

There is no grand reason for humans to be on this planet. Abstraction of the reason would be - carry the genes, progress evolution to achieve a balance (or is it perfection?) and die.
How does a man contribute to the greatness or for the virtue of this planet anyway? Possibly, there is a degradation of nature rather than uplifting. A man's achievement can somehow be contributed to tainting this environment and the planet more than we can afford to. Humanity might consider inventions in the field of science and technology to be the greatest gift to mankind, but in reality it has the adverse effect on our planet. When a new drug is released which has artificially increased the life expectancy, nature is robbed of selection of the fittest. Nature gets it revenge in mutlitude of formats as it tries to achieve balance.
Lessening of humane nature is the biggest price humanity had to pay.

Ni te plus oculis meis amarem

2009-07-29T22:11:00.000+05:30

The title of this chapter is from a poem by Catullus, a Roman poet. This line is kind of mocking in the poem. It is said that the monks used to write on tablets, sheets of crude paper using oil lamps which deteriorated their eyesight eventually. Also, these monks had a responsibility of chosing crude paper or animal skin by overwriting on them as many lacked the luxury of affording new ones. So they had to choose wisely what they wanted to store and what they wanted to get rid of.

Anyway, in the given context, it refers to the visual issues that I faced this morning. After a soda, I went back to my desk to find that I wasn't able to read the email that needed my urgent attention. I cleaned my glasses, washed my eyes but nothing worked. My eyes started to blur as if there were tears in my eyes. In next ten minutes I was royally scared and there was a nasty headache building at the bridge of my nose. When the blurring became more pronounced, I called up a friend and asked her to take me home. I had to visit doctor and the verdict was what he was suspecting for a while now.
Classic Migraine. Migraine with aura. Its not just headaches, I have perpetual nausea, visual and olfactory weirdness and of course splitting headache.

The doctor was very clear. Since I cannot avoid looking at a comp in the daytime, at nights, working on comp has to be very minimal. My parents who were right next to me were glaring at me which translated to - "This what we have been telling you."
I have decided to listen to the doctor and minimize this exposure to computer/TVs. It is kind of OK for me as now I can catch up with my reading which has been lying dormant for a very long time.

My time on internet is going to be reduced to a drastic level starting today.
I am under observation for one month. Have to see how it goes...

Fruit flavored cosmetics

2009-07-29T21:40:00.000+05:30

I love this concoction. Its green apple soda and it is my favorite for months now. I love green apples as such and I went through a phase when many of my cosmetics was of green apple flavor: shampoo, conditioner, shower gel, face mask, face wash, toner, lip balm, moisturizer et al. One of my friends had teased me saying that I smelled like fruit section at COSTCO.
Now, apart from shower gel (which is mango with yogurt - its a tribute to gallons of mango+apple yogurt that I consumed in Swiss last summer) I have no fruit flavored cosmetics with me. I don't know but wearing fruit flavored stuff makes me teenage-ish.

Picture: That me (with nicely manicured nails :D) holding the drink.

By the way, this was just ten minutes before my most severe migraine attack till date. More on this later.

"Busy" status in IM...

2009-07-29T09:11:00.000+05:30

I am back in facebook, taking an indefinitve break from writing and getting my professional life a little organized. I always wanted to think that everything is fine and nice in the way I was operating but the harsh realization came last weekend when I was scrambling to finish the stuff for previous week so that I have a decent timeline to finish work for the current week. I haven't got the time to take a stock of things to figure out if I am doing everything that I have been asked for or am I an idiot to be doing additional work. My colleague argues that its the latter.

"Busy" symbol in IM is fully misunderstood or never really understood. I know for a fact that there are few people who mean the status that they have set. I am one of them so I never really buzz anyone who have their status set as "Busy" or "Do Not Disturb". I fail to understand the reason for making the status as "Busy" and sitting in coffee shop at lengths of time.

I learnt excel charts. They are really, really cool. I am excited this much about something which I am sure many of my colleagues have done a million times or so, because, I never really had an opportunity to work on that before. Its immensely frustrating to work in VBA though. I am used to Java based development environment where there is a type hierarchy available at your every beck and calll. In VBA, you have to know.
Thankfully, am getting help from a friend who is simply amazing in VBA.
Thanks Cee Cee!

Weekend is here...worst week has passed...

2009-07-24T23:03:00.001+05:30

I should be certified as an insane person. Or masochistic. Or both. I knew what the answer was going to be. It should not have mattered. It had happened before. Yet, the silly hope and the illogical happiness that I had felt during last weekend was crashing all around me starting Monday. First it was something very stupid; like people making mistakes knowingly to get me into trouble. Who does that these days? Oh yeah, there is recession and that has made many people jobless. Tuesday was fairly uneventful. Just machine crashed making me lose my work of five hours, but it was still OK. Wednesday, dumb monsoon, late to office, Solar eclipse, tonnes of work. Kept on wondering why people snub me on blogs?
Thursday was worst perhaps to confirm the things that I already knew. It should not have hurt, but it did. I should not have asked, but I did. I should have ended the conversation when I had the chance. But I did not.

And now I cannot meet the eye. Jesus, someone please kill me for my stupidity.

Oh well.
Today, I see someone has fully blocked me from their mailing list. I don't know the reason but I did research all my older messages to see if I have written something offensive. I am really not sure what the reason is. But I cannot contact the person at all.
Oh well, good it happened toady. At least I have one disappointment/hurt less for next week.
I was talking to a friend from blog this morning and was wondering the whole day about her words. I came of as cold, calculative and unapproachable. I know that. I know that because my friends have told me that when they met me in person, that was their first impression. But how can people judge over blog, over few words I have written?
It is very unsettling to know that I am being constantly judged by the stories that I write and not for the person that I am. OK, well, I know I don't have an awesome personality but I don't think I repel anyone either. But now, I am not too sure.
The whole week has left a bitter taste in my mouth.
Ugh!

Chocolates filled with marmalade...

2009-07-16T23:17:00.000+05:30

I just want this week to end. I don't mind the stress that a deadline automatically puts on my head nor do I worry about reports and such. But the sheer irrationality which many people seem to have been infested with, makes me exhausted. I was contemplating this with a senior colleague of mine whose feedback I greatly respect and he said, its the frustration and insecurity of individuals which drives them to be that way. I am not sure if I can believe that but I took his answer anyway. The whole evening was spent in one big blur and I managed to steer my mind away from anything emotionally stirring. I laughed at lame jokes and chuckled merrily at idiotic email conversations. And then K decided to ask three questions.
He, that is K, and I play this three question game everyday. Almost everyday. I started it just for fun but amidst these fun questions, there are a couple really serious ones. Its nice way to know people, just like twenty questions but in this game (at least the way we play it most of the times) its more about understanding other person's point of view which I find very refreshing.

I had asked my share of questions in the afternoon and generally he asks me to answer them. Some days he gets into the groove and asks me questions that stump my head off. Today it brought on old memories. Memories are like chocolates with marmalade filling.

Bittersweet.

I never thought that I would like something really sweet and something really sour together. But ironically that's how things seem to end.

Bittersweet.

A flavor that dies on the tongue and a smile turns to a grimace, a tragic story that ends with hope and a relationship starts with an end date and of course, there is chocolate with marmalade filling.

Bittersweet.

Hidden emotions, forgotten prayers, postponed dinner dates, lost wishes, buried truths, sullied relationships, awkward best friends, friendly foes, soothing strangers, annoying acquaintances, closet romantics, monsoon's melancholy.

Yeah, endings are kind of bittersweet.

Martha Stewart at 3 AM

2009-07-12T07:48:00.000+05:30

I thought it was some cranky bird's chirping that woke me up. Unfortunately it was my migraine. When I looked at the time, I was disappointed to see that it was nearing 3 AM. Fuck. I had slept for hardly three hours and here I was wide awake. Unlike most of the times, I did not open laptop but went to the verandah and looked outside the window. Besides the glaring streetlight which is right outside my house, night looked pretty nice. I figured I might watch some TV as I rarely watch it these days. It was mildly shocking to find out that all channels have been reprogrammed and I finally gave up watching TV. Searching for a channel is more painful than any other physical pain. I ended up watching TLC where they were showing a cooking show. I can deal with cooking shows. They are pretty cool once you get past the fact that you cannot actually smell meat. It was all the more better as the lady was cooking some cake and in the end it looked very pretty.
Now five hours later, I have plans to have a heavy breakfast and take a shot at sleeping again. I have to see how it goes.
I am currently annoyed with the fact that the one thing I enjoyed in my childhood was getting a good night deep sleep. Now I can't seem to do that anymore. :-(

Playing hooky and driving in monsoon

2009-07-09T21:29:00.000+05:30

There is something exhilarating in playing hooky. Well, it wasn't exactly hooky, it was just taking a break from the routine.
The three of us decided to make the most of the boring afternoon and went on a drive to a nearby village/town which is actually a historical place. But this town has beautiful little waterfronts tucked neatly around it. Aki took us here as this is her favorite spot and she wanted to throw stones.
Really, Aki. Throwing stones?

Aki drove See and I to this(her) place. I know at least seven ways to die while in a car. (Ex: Door suddenly opening and I falling down etc) The roads are pretty nasty in these areas and we somehow managed to reach this place well within time. (Aki drives reaaaal fast)
Doesn't this car look real cute amidst lush green? I thought so.

Monsoon is simply amazing in this place. I am really glad that I
came here today. There was a lull of drizzling rain and a gentle hum of the surrounding foliage. Its not particularly very clean but its lot cleaner than some places I have seen (in the same town). Aki says that its wonderland during full moon. I am sure it will be.
I think serenity is a given when it comes to isolated places like these. Its kind of expected in places like these. The best part of this place: No people. How cool is that?

There is this island kind of thing in the middle of the river that looked very pretty but it looked as if it was surrounded by moss and filth. Ugh.
So we gave up the idea of venturing anywhere near water and walked on the grass all over the place. It was a nice experience. I have never been a monsoon person but of late, I seem to enjoy this season more and more.

The awesomeness of the entire trip actually lies in the conversation that Aki and See had while driving. I was at back seat, looking through the window and laughing at their antics. Really, guys. It was amazing entertainment.
[This is See, by the way! Getting scared of her hand getting smashed by and invisible truck behind us.]
Anyway, since it is a proven fact that I have no sense in direction nor do I have a good memory of routes (thats why they have something called as Maps and direction boards people) so I did not venture into the conversation. While driving back, I pointed at a shiny new restuarant and Aki as usual turned right as if there were no vehicles behind. Two bikes honked a truck blared horn and a guy on cycle was yelling and making some hand gestures. As usual, it was ignored. As soon as she came near the front gate of the resort, we saw a man shooting something. We scampered from there as fast as we came and merged with on going traffic. And then I asked.
Me: What was he shooting?
See: Pigeons. They serve it here in this hotel.
Me: Really??!!! (Totally surprised)
Aki: (Rolling her eyes and laughing) Really, M. How gullible can you get? She is just playing you.

The entire drive was about Aki and See arguing about which hotel comes where and where exactly we were going. Since there was some problem with the main highway, we had to take a deviation and drive inside villages and get back to the highway a few kilometers later. So the argument had begun between those two as to where would the road lead to? So after much talking, arguing and in my case laughing, we did end up in some road which I think I might recoginze in light.
After driving for few minutes where Aki and See cursed and commented on every slow driver on the road, we ended up in a hotel were apart from us there were only two other patrons. The food was bad and we kept the conversation light and flowing as the evening came to an end.
There is a tinge of sadness in monsoon I guess. Even though there is happiness because of rain, still, somewhere deep down it is a metaphor for act of cleansing. Cleansing mind, sins, frustrations, tensions, muddy waters, hazy eyes et al. I do not like rain. At all. But I don't mind sitting in warmth and watch the rain. Its therepautic. Its serene.
Its a catalyst for new life.
So, congrats Aki for starting a new chapter in your life. And you too VC :-)

Kawai.....

2009-07-06T21:18:00.000+05:30

I don't even remember how I got this picture. I found this in a folder named "Sundry".

Isn't it adorable?

Music, odd info and memories...

2009-07-06T21:13:00.000+05:30

I had an epiphany. I was thinking about certain piece of code that I had worked on couple of years back. It was strange that when I was reading through the code, the first think I remembered was the music I was listening when I was working on that program. As I browsed through the code base, for every version of the file, I could associate a particular music obsession of mine. I can trace back this trend as far as 2003. Today I heard someone talking about "Vertical Horizon" and their track "Un chosen one" in a blog. The first thing that came to my mind was a Saturday afternoon that I had to spend in office back in 2003 to review the code. I even remember a guy outside of my current location requesting me to access my computer to check his email.
Mind is a funny thing. The capacity to remember and to forget is like a teasing game. I can remember countless of worthless information and fail to remember something that is expected out of me. I don't forget a face but I associate incorrect data to it. I don't forget anything related to any of the projects I worked till date but I forget the location of the documents in my laptop or delete them completely without realizing its importance.
I was speaking with a neurologist last week regarding my migraine and I was telling him about this. He said, "Sweetheart, thats life."
Oh well, I think I should be glad to remember useless information to amuse myself.
An average corn has about approximately 800 kernels arranged in 16 rows.
How odd is that?
Coolio!!!

Am I blue?

2009-07-02T22:27:00.000+05:30

You find good stuff in oddest of the places; like finding 1920's blue song in Justice League Unlimited cartoon where Batman sings this song to get a witch lift magic on wonder woman who has turned into a pig. By far this has been my favorite episode and that could be because the chemistry between Batman and Wonder Woman is fantastic.
Batman has always been my favorite character and I am liking this JLU Wonder Woman a lot. She has spunk, sarcasm and has awesome comebacks.
There is this one dialogue said by Green Lantern to Superman: (nodding his head towards Batman and Wonder Woman) Dude, for a superhero with fifty differnt kind of visions, you sure are blind. Superman still fails to recognize attraction between those two.
Anywhoo, I actually wanted to write about jazz music which I find it very soothing. Batman sings "Am I blue?" which is actually quite nice. I just searched for American Film Institutes greatest song collection and listened to few of pre-1950's music.
Just one word. Amazing.
Now I see why Edward in Twilight prefers 50's music over anything. "That was music", he says.
And I completely agree.

Four people residing in a brain...

2009-07-01T21:54:00.000+05:30

"In us there are always two natures at war; one good and the other not."
I believed in this line very much and even went ahead and wrote a philosophical essay-ish length of post a year or so ago as to how this kind of duality exists and is very obvious when one has to make a choice. It was very romantic way of writing things and at one point of time I really liked it. Now, well, its a different theory altogether.
I think there are at least four people living in my head. Here is my classification:

a) MB: (my initials) A professional, workaholic, caffeine addict, little rude, cynic and err...a total bitch when it comes to getting work done. The other three that reside the head are kind of weary of her attitude. She comes off as snob (she is a little actually), arrogant (that's a definite yes) and very cold and clinical. She is vindictive and the other three dislike that trait. At office she gets along with people who are either sadistic or sarcastic or both. She likes horror cinemas, industrial rock music and plays sudoku in spare time. Her favorite past time is solving cryptograms. She reads psychological thriller and Dean Koontz is her favorite author. She also likes work by Mary Higgins Clark and Stephen King

b) Sookie: She is this nice person who writes decent stuff, prone to being preachy when it comes to off the tangent subjects and cannot handle hard core drama very well. Her response to comments for her writing is always positive and is very accommodating when it comes to critiquing. MB thinks that Sookie is too soft and little idiotic to expect comments for the stuff that she writes. Sookie has always managed to scoff off the cynicism sported by MB as a choice of expression by people who read her work. She likes 60s music, jazz and loves watching action cinema. She spends most of her time reading poetry. Frost and Poe are her favorite. She also reads fantasy novels and science fiction.

c) M: (my name) The person to who people go to for advice or just talk. She is a good listener and give a crying shoulder when they are unhappy. She is the person whom people get to meet for the first time so she is constantly guarded about the way she speaks and the way she acts. She keeps MB and Spookie at an arm's length since they keep playing devil's advocate with her all the time. She relies on Sookie's wisdom to come up with right answers and occasionally take help from Spookie to keep a conversation light and flowing. She and MB seem to have some kind of understanding which is beyond knowledge of Sookie and Spookie; they think its the bias against their names. She likes instrumental music, piano especially, anime, suspense thriller, classic cinema and loves origami. She reads classics - be it drama, fiction, historical, she is game.

d) Spookie: Author of this blog, sarcastic, cynic and think that the above three people are simply wasting space in the brain. She knows the host of the brain where she resides mostly takes M's decision most of the time and she is not happy with that. She is the reason for migraine that the host is currently experiencing (even when writing this post!). She loves alternate rock, punk rock, carnatic classical, indie movies, cartoons, graphic novels, sci-fi movies, B-Movies with cult status and a huge fan of learning new languages. She reads anything as far as it makes her forget her perpetual migraine.

Here is what Spookie thinks of the other three:

MB: If you look closer, you can actually see horns on her head. There are momemts when Spookie is heard mumbling - "Retract your claws lady, he/she is simply asking an innocent question."

Sookie: She is a sap. Period. And its high time to drop the "serene girl" act. Spookie had to withheld herself from punching Sookie when Sookie is being really sweet and understanding.

M: Though most rational of all, she is the main reason for Spookie's migraine. M can be the main reason why the host's brain doesn't prefer Spookie's advice. Though they make wonderful conversation, Spookie somehow always remains in the sidelines. M has often said that Spookie is like a shadow queen. (As in Spookie is actually running the show and making everyone including M believe that its actually M who is running the show. Shrewed and cunning, that Spookie.)

Thats it people, for now. Once the three of them review and argue with one another relentlessly, maybe this post can be updated for accuracy (read: nice things only).

Until then...

Boring monsoon days...

2009-07-01T07:10:00.000+05:30

The first picture was taken yesterday at 8:30 AM. The sky promised a good deal of monsoon showers that most of us have been eagerly waiting for. There was a chill in the air and a very slight drizzle. My friend and I who drive to office together, generally discuss at lengths about weather conditions. I was walking towards my building when I took this picture.
Two hours later, the same friend called me for a cup of coffee and I was a little surprised to find sky like this. It was sunny outside and there was absolutely not a spot of monsoon cloud. It looked as if this was late summer rather than monsoon.
Late last night there were showers but I don't think it was for long. With power cut extending for half a day, rains are the only things to look forward to.

Take a hike!!!

2009-06-26T23:29:00.001+05:30

I feel an incessant need for talking when I don't want to hear my mind. Not liking the thoughts of one's own mind is quite depressing innit? More depressing is this kind of a "need" arises at late in the night when one half of the world is sleeping and the other is hard at work. If there are people who aren't sleeping or who are jobless, then they generally not in the mood to talk. No, I don't blame them. Its just that I seem to have a rotten luck with the timing.

And that's how the world has turned and left me here.
Four years ago, I read in a friend's blog that he blogged frequently because it felt easier to write than to make a person understand the complexity of the mind's mentations or the paradox of feeling of lacking something integral with in self and not be able to communicate that to another human being. I wrote a comment asking him to take a hike. It had not bothered him one bit that I was the only person perhaps, who read his blog as frequently as he blogged, which was everyday. He said that he will take that hike the day when I feel the same.
I called him thirty minutes ago but unfortunately he was busy in a meeting.
I am simply being whimsical, I suppose.
A few horror movies, studying for certification, black coffee, industrial rock music, Criminal Minds and few days of migraine will make all better.
Tomorrow is going to be extremely entertaining!

Me, Hibernates...

2009-06-25T21:55:00.000+05:30

Tired. Frustrated. Annoyed. Exhausted. Cold. Fever. Migraine. Lack Of Sleep.
What more is there to say?
Explains a lot doesn't it? One more day till I get out of this purgatory.
Tomorrow, hopefully does not start with a painful headache.

Mom and books

2009-06-24T23:16:00.000+05:30

My parents and I are fans of Dr. S. L. Bhyrappa. He is one of the foremost Indian novelists writing in Kannada, eagerly read by the people and fiercely fought over by critics. "Parva" is acknowledged to be his greatest work. It has been translated to many Indian languages and also English. Its considered to be a masterpiece (in Marathi and Hindi, especially) in Indian literature. My father used to own a copy of this novel and over the period of time it was lost in the abyss of commuting in train and life in general. So for my parents' wedding anniversary last month, I presented them this book among other things. My father finished reading it and its my mom's turn. (They flip a coin to see who gets to read first). She reads about a hundred pages a day and she would google some stuff for more clarification. When I perform my daily rituals of applying lotions, foot cream, hand cream et al, my mom summarizes the portion she read for the day. I told her that I will be reading it after she finishes it, but it looks like she is enjoying all the reading and associated additional reading that she is doing over the net. I kept quiet and allow her to explain me the details of the book.
Its actually kind of nice. I think I understand, to an extent, why mothers want their daughters to learn cooking at a very young age. Its quite possible that the girls would get married quite soon and they would not get much time to spend with their mother in future. So, helping mom in kitchen was a kind of boding and they could share more things inside the kitchens rather than outside.
It might not be kitchen, but still, its a very pleasant experience.

The road not taken...

2009-06-24T22:55:00.001+05:30

Three things -

I was catching up with my reading and I ended up reading abstract of a now defunct journal which talks about three different versions on Unified theory.
Last week I was watching X-Files out of sheer boredom and there was a statement made by Mudler - "Each universe can produce only one outcome.
In Solitaire (or Sudoku) for that matter, the game has only one solution.

I felt that the three items are kind of related. Irrespective of the number of choices that one is presented with, the end can be achieved by choosing the right one. I wont be debating on if the end is "correct" or "moral" or "right" or any of those quasi-philosophical metaphors. Solitaire as I understand has one solution. During the course of the game, if one flip is missed or wrong card is dropped to newly vacated space, then in all probabilities, the game is gone. In the journal which I stumbled upon, presented with three versions of unified theory. One by relativist, one by theorist and the third - its never clear in the article. Read the article here. The author calls this phenomenon as "convergence of the minds". I heard something similar in "Fringe" but passed it out as a myth. In theory, greatest minds at times converge on one single idea or one single point of view. The interpretations and/or derivation which follows this idea could be different but the basis of their beliefs always remains constant. This argument leads to the second bullet point. The first time I heard this dialogue, I had missed "Each" in the sentence. This one word brings about a complete change in the meaning of the sentence. Mulder understands the possibility of multi-verses and that is the reason why he concludes that per universe, the solution or the outcome is always constant thus subtly hinting that time travel would not marr the essence of time in a given reality. This theory is interesting since the basic concept is derived from space-time paradox that Einstein documented post-relativity era.
In "Fringe" Dr. Walter Bishop explains the basic concept of multi-verse in a simple sentence.
"The road not taken."

Me, reloaded

2009-06-23T22:18:00.003+05:30

I liked my old template. A lot. But its been a while since I had it so I decided today to change it to something new. What I have now is sober enough for my taste and does not consume too much of space in useless pictures. I am still searching for a decent skin.
What say about this template?

Four conversations...

2009-06-23T18:58:00.006+05:30

I was chatting with an old colleague of mine who was cribbing endlessly that he spends more time in replying/checking/follow-up emails rather than getting some work done. Today I decided to see how much time I spend in office doing same activity. Unfortunately today I was not able to perform this experiment as the number of emails that I received was marginally less. (The day is not over yet, but I am not checking my emails anymore.) But nonetheless, I found few catch phrases which annoy me endless and certain conversations which bring some sanity back into my job.

Annoyance:
"Please correct me if I am wrong" : I hate this phrase with a vengeance. The guy who wrote this email, was explaining a feature which he is supposed to know. Technically. But here is the kicker. If there is one tiny mistake in the explanatory email, then the concerned audience in the "To" list will rip him apart and the repercussions of the actions are slightly disturbing. So people write this statement and mark a copy to people (read:morons) who are aware of what they are talking. So the whole statement is now translated to: "There is a high probability that whatever I am writing is incorrect. If you don't get an addendum email from the person in "cc", then most probably I am right. If I am wrong and you still don't get corrected email, then blame the person who is copied in the email."
I called up the guy and asked him - "What am I? Your mommy?"
The idiot simply laughed. I doubt he understood my sarcasm.

Happy:
I got this call in the afternoon. "M, there is a drop in finance projection for next quarter by approximately 9K. Tell me why."
See this statement? There is no dilly-dallying and the question is right on target. Of course background is lacking but when it comes to questions on finance, there is always something or the other lacking. In next two minutes I was in Net Meeting and sharing screen and checking for any mistakes. The guy who called me gave me few minutes to think over. And then the answer clicked and I gave him my response. The entire conversation took about five minutes and he had got the answer that he needed and my migraine didn't complain.

Impressed:
I like the way the quality guy writes his emails. "M, I received your project plan. Thank you for submitting on committed date. Please expect a feedback from me (reject/accept) by 15:00 tomorrow. " I love the certainty that oozes out of his email. I was kind of relaxed this afternoon so I buzzed him on IM. "Hey, what do I do if I don't get a response from you? " He didn't respond me for a minute or two. This lag time is expected. "You will not encounter that scenario. " I just replied a hurried "OK. Thanks." I like people who give an absolute answer rather than an ambiguous one. I, for one, would have replied "If everything goes as per my plan tomorrow and for the rest of the day, there is a high probability that your plan might be accepted by end of business unless a higher proiority/critical task gets assigned to me."
Seriously, I should stop being so diplomatic/politically correct and start answering in Boolean.

Confused:
"M, you will like it here. SFO is so beautiful and for a person like you, who dislikes driving car and prefers walking or taking subway, this city is ideal." OK. The statement seemed very innocent. But my hands stilled on the keyboard. What did he mean by "...you will like it here..". Was it something that a person says - "I was in this restaurant today and I think you will like it there"? Like referring something? Or was it along the lines of - "Its a good town and its something you need to visit in future". Its odd as he knows that I am working with a Swiss account so travelling to US is close to nil.
I am kind of avoiding the alternate explanation.
For now.

June Sky

2009-06-22T20:15:00.003+05:30

There is something really haunting about June sky. I took this picture this morning. I have been meaning to take a picture but somehow keep forgetting it. The sky was simply beautiful. The momentary calmness and serenity that I felt made me forget the migraine that I woke up with. Migraines are intolerable when there is a annoyance and frustration resides. So today by 10 AM office was pure purgatory. I took up my friend's offer and went out to pick up coffee.
I am a little partial to monsoon compared to other seasons especially here in my hometown as the weather gets very pleasant and there is a breeze which hums in the background. I really cannot explain the contentment that I get when I am sitting in the cafeteria staring at blue and white sky and sipping on a mug of cappuccino. Its hard to explain the contentment one gets by appreciating natural beauty. Its not goal oriented, its not because of financial gain and the best part is that it has nothing to do with the person who is looking at it. Its the disjointedness, I think which makes the experience all the more agonizingly wonderful. I wonder if this is what people keep searching for. A state of mind in which there are no conditions to be covered, no hurdles to be crossed and no goals to be attained. It just is. Its as simple as that.
Its already end of the month I think I will be missing this blue-white June sky. Monsoon is set and the same blue sky will be covered with darker colored clouds and that ain't fun.
Oh well, at least I finally remembered to take this picture; something to hold on to for next eleven months till the same nostalgic contentment feeling will hit me.

I miss you...

2009-06-20T00:07:00.002+05:30

My productivity is only seven hours a day (out of 9.15 hours which I spend in office. The additional few hours that I spend at home working, is uncredited and unaccounted for). Its a fact that it has been proved. I think there was some sort of fancy report bound in a glossy plastic file was handed out in of the sessions that I attended on productivity. This week, I have been working a lot. By lunch, I find that I have finished most of the stuff that I have planned for the day and by Wednesday, it started freaking me out a little. I found myself taking first break for the day at 3 PM or so, eating lunch at desk while reviewing design document or some code. By Wednesday evening I was fully exhausted.
I called Aki to check if everything was fine with her and mostly because I was feeling kind of bored.
After few minutes of talking she asked me about office and I told her that I was getting more work done since I had no distractions. I ranted for five minutes as to how bored I was in office since I did not get many phone calls or emails. So this made me clear all my backlog of work which had been pending for couple of weeks now. I finished my rant by telling her that even though I have been working my ass off and being extremely productive, something was amiss. I stopped to take a swig of pineapple juice and she was silent for couple of moments. ANd then she asked me.
"M, is this your weird and round about way of telling me that you miss me?" I was surprised. There was no point lying to her.
"Yeah, I guess so." She laughed and then continued conversation without making a bid deal out of it for which I am thankful. We chatted for few more minutes and hung up feeling a little better.
Before I think myself as a character from a lame teen drama, I think I will stop this now.

BTW, am currently watching FF10 walkthrough. The story line is pretty lame. I have seen bloggers talking about FF12 being much better however Advent Children: FF7 being the best of all. Hmm..should give FF12 a try. Soon.

Butterflies in stomach Vs. Nausea: How does one know which is which?

2009-06-18T08:37:00.005+05:30

Four years ago, in 2005, I shared a flat with two cartoons in Detroit suburbia. For the next two years, I had a blast there with a huge group of friends and extremely stressful work. I don't know why but I feel that I can perform better when there is stress or pressure from client/management is involved. One of my flatmate, cartoon-1 (C1, for future references) had a boyfriend back home. One night we were watching a show on Zee TV ("Rabba Ishq na Hove" or something like that. The three of us hating watching anything of this sort back home but in US, all we watched was daily soaps.!!) and then I asked her.
"Hey, when you are with Kevin, how do you know that you have butterflies in your stomach and its not nausea?" C1 stared at me.
"You know on any average normal day you are a little weird but there are certain days when your weirdness actually makes me think." She retorted. We could hear C2 grumbling about something about the show. I really don't know why C2 and I watched that show. It was ultimately cliched. It was Friday and as per Friday tradition, we had a thirty minute drive to watch a Hindi movie (any Hindi movie. No preference, did not care for reviews.) and we generally ate a decent dinner before we left for the cinema (around 9 PM). And this show was from 7 to 8. How convenient was that! Anyway, my question had sprung after watching a scene from "Dawson's Creek". C1 looked as if she was still contemplating on answering or she had really screwed up spicy Kerala curry (her specialty).
"MB, you just know", she answered. OK. This kind of an answer really freaks me out. Its hard to know something without actually knowing it, isn't it? What I mean is, if I need to make a coherent reply to a certain question posed, then I should have all the facts with me which I have gained/learned/heard/read/seen over a period of time to give a proper answer. How can anyone just know? Sounds very X-Files-ish. She must have guessed my idiocy in not understanding her answer, so she tried to answer in detail. Keyword here: tried.
"When you are with the person whom you like a lot, its best to give into the intuition and what your gut says rather than over analyzing everything you feel or trying to rationalize whatever you go through." She "rationalize" like a foul word. I had to smile at that.
"Oh no no. I am not like that."
"So you do know a person whom you like a lot." She said this in teenage girlish sing-song voice which made C2 laugh. C2 decided that our conversation was more interesting than the TV show so she settled herself next to microwave, her legs swinging and eating ice-cream. She had two spoons with her just in case C1 and I decided to attack ice-cream. She was (still is!) sweet that way.
"Come on, I simply meant that I don't over analyze everything."
"MB, when X1 (a guy, her friend's friend or whatever. Just 'guy' thing is important in this context and according to lot of people, he had a crush on me apparently. What was he 15?) asked you if you would like to meet him at Stanly's (Its a nice pub that played good alternative rock), you asked him if he was asking you to be his DD - designated driver." She sighed exasperatedly. C1 an C2 exchanged a look that I define as - We know something you don't and we are being smug about it. Its annoying.
"Wasn't he?" I asked them surprised. Well, I am a little dumb when it comes to these kinds of subtlety but I am not that dumb and besides I read people fairly well.
"You are kidding, right MB?" Oh well, being honest is better than weaving a story, any day. Besides, I was really hungry and I was having a new confusion: Was I hungry or was I feeling nausea.
"Yeah, I am. Its better that way you know?"
"In what way?" Seriously why was I getting third degree?
"I just know." I felt like patting my back. C1 and I started at each other for a few minutes and then I did a victory dance. She looked at C2 for support and they were about to begin their interrogation when the bell rang. Saved by the bell. As I walked towards the door to let our friends in, C1 shouted from kitchen.
"This is not over yet." C2 was nodding, standing next to her.
I simply stuck my tongue out.

New Shoes!

2009-06-17T22:05:00.002+05:30

I bought this today. Well, its not exactly the same, but quite similar to what I got. What I purchased is made of leather and is super soft. Its Bata and its good. It was love at first sight.
I had not even planned to buy (yet) another pair of footwear. A friend wanted to buy one for herself and she is extremely particular about what she buys. Unfortunately she has little luck with size since Bata does not stock much of size 7! (I am size 5 and that is 7 and 1/2 in US) I find that very very weird. If she liked the style, it was not available in her size. What she found in her size was something that a young woman definitely doesn't like wearing to office.
After about one hour, she found something that looked pretty and in her size too. We decided to eat pani puri at roadside and while walking towards our latest destination, she mutterd, "We never get anything that we want. Either size is wrong or the style is old or if both are right, then product has some defects or it will not suit me. I think thats why we start compromising so easily sincing losing opportunity would mean paying a heavy price later. "
She was right in lots of ways. But oh well, I have new shoes! No time for subtle fancy moral of the story :-)

Bittersweet Symphony

2009-06-16T23:35:00.002+05:30

I want this song out of my head. Really. I have been listening to this song non-stop for last two weeks. I can remember every chord of the guitar and every stroke of violin. I had always avoided "The Verve" as they give mostly indie or psychedelic music; neither being my favorite or something that I would like to listen to. So, I had never heard of this song till last Wednesday. And then I saw "Cruel Intentions". I watched this movie for one scene by Joshua Jackson (thanks to "Fringe" he is my latest obsession. As I write this post, I am watching a movie called "Shutter" which is again by Josh Jackson but horror genre) where in he plays "Blane" a fag. His role is hilarious and I watched the entire movie again as I had nothing else to do. And in the end, they play this song during Sebastian's funeral.
I have watched this movie before but I never paid much attention to music. For many years, thats how I watched movie. Only for the last five or so years, I have paid attention to background score, OST and stuff like that. Its been eight years since I had seen this movie and it was a refreshing change to see it again after all these years.
And when the song played. the first thing that came to my mind is, I riding my bike during windy and rainy afternoon, my tears mixing with rain and I am skillfully maneuvering my bike around the pot holes on an empty street.
Of course only yesterday I remembered that the above mentioned sequence was not my imagination and it did happen one July afternoon.

Philosophies of auto wallah

2009-06-16T21:24:00.004+05:30

Couple of weeks ago I decided auto to office as I had to go there really early, around 6:30-ish. Normal rates from my house to my office in an auto is around 120-130 rupees without running the meter. And no one is ready to take the auto with the meter on for long distances. OK, its not that far, hardly 14 kms or so, but the size of town in which I live in, its really, really far!
Anyway, I hailed an auto and asked him for the price. Its kind of formality that one has here. In these kinds of conversation the driver asks for a price which is almost twice the amount of normal fare. If the customer is a local, then he/she will argue, crib and bitch and finally the auto wallahs give up and agree up on a decent fare. The answer I got from the auto guy is the first time I have ever heard in my life.

Auto wallah: Madam, if I run meter, the fare will come to 90 rupees. But looking at you, going to "that" company, carrying a laptop, I think its fair on my part to ask you to give me 120 rupees.
Me: Why additional 30 rupees? You know I work as hard as you to earn money.
Auto wallah: Its not that madam. See your company is so far. Its high risk for me to go there at this hour when I know for sure that I don't get any return customers. So to get at least people who can afford to take an auto, I have to travel back five to six kilometers without any customers. So this additional money is like back up for me.

After listening to this I got in to that auto. I have always loved traveling in auto and I think its the best vehicle around. OK, I know 99% of the population thinks otherwise but I find it very fascinating to travel in auto.

Me: Do you give this reasoning to everyone who takes your auto?
Auto wallah: No madam. I tell this to people who will listen and to whom I think might understand my point of view.
Me: How did you know that I will get into your auto even after you told me that you are going to charge me extra?
Auto wallah: Its in your face. And besides you smiled when I said I am charging you extra.
Me: What do you see in my face?
Auto wallah: You like honest thieves. At this, he grinned at me. I smiled back.
Auto wallah: You know madam, once I rigged this auto meter and made more money than I am making now. But somehow I always felt that money made that way somehow seemed to get spent on unnecessary things. In the end, even after driving around the city for hours and making good money, end of the day accounts did not reflect that. So I decided to get clean and started living a honest life.
Me: Do you make good money now?
Auto wallah: Of course not. But I seem to manage whatever I earn very well. I am not leading a lavish life but a contended one.
Me: Are you happy then?
Auto wallah: We can be happy whenever we want madam. But we put so many rules and predetermined expectations that we validate those things before accepting our state of mind being "happy" or "sad". Now I am telling you that I am charging you extra fare. After this every customer has a choice. If they agree to my fare, then its a very fair and square deal. Isn't it?
Me: Perhaps. I don't know. Even you had a choice for not asking me for extra money.

We were hardly couple of kilometers from my office campus and on the way there are many small scale industries. There were many young women walking briskly.

Auto wallah: You see these ladies madam? If they were to ask me to drop them, I will mostly do it for free or charge them very less, depending on the distance. But for people like you, I don't feel a twinge of guilt in asking more.

He said this quite frankly. I didn't know what to make of it.

Me: Isn't that biased?
Auto wallah: Of course it is. Bias is there everywhere in every aspect of life. You can afford 30 rupees and perhaps forget about the entire conversation as soon as you enter your campus gate. Or you might crib about over priced auto fares in AC rooms amidst your friends. But these ladies who are briskly walking, they remember me, my face and they will ask my name and thank me heartily.

We had reached my office by then.

Me: Thank you.
Auto wallah: For what?
Me: For your words, of course.
Auto wallah: Oh. But I can bet my auto on this: you are going to forget my face in next one hour. Maybe not this conversation, not right away at least.
Me: Maybe
Auto wallah: Good Luck Madam?
Me: For what?
Auto wallah: For everything!

He laughed and drove away.

I think he is right. One day, I am going to forget this tiny conversation I had with a man whom I don't think I will ever meet again. And if I do meet him, I might not recognize him.
Somehow, that thought makes me sad.

Fresh changes...

2009-06-15T22:15:00.002+05:30

I did something like this before. I deleted my account from every social networking site in an impulsive decision and I have not bothered to venture into that again. I find it extremely boring now. And today, I deleted all my fiction writing accounts. Reason? I am not liking what I write. Being at home for a week gave me a lot of time to retrospect. (Retrospect = find faults and mistakes and realize how idiotic one is being :-) Basically its being honest with oneself) So now I am not going to post in any website anymore. I am a little partial to my fanfiction.net account so I am going to keep that for a while I guess.
In last four days, I have visited five different specialists for various reasons: Migraine, skin, dental, eyes, ENT :-) I have started to mess up with my medication because of the quantity that I have to ingest.
I remember a quote from Criminal Minds, Season 1: "Everyone is medicated".
Ah, well, my migraine tablets have reduced my headaches but has made my insomnia return back with a vengeance. The best part is, I am not tired nor my eyes are puffy for the lack of sleep. I am actually quite active (hyper, even) and feel refreshed after only two hours of sleep. Its good in a way, actually. I am catching up with my reading and my office work too and I rarely have anything pending for the coming weeks.
I am waiting till the other shoe drops. :-)

Coloring book

2009-05-18T19:15:00.004+05:30

This is the reason why I have been busy for the past few days. I bought this filling color by number drawing at local bookstall on a whim. OK, not exactly a whim but kind of a contingency plan to reduce the time I spend on net. The finished picture was quite captivating and I thought this painting should be finished in few hours. I have zero creativity and my naive thinking proved it. It has been two weeks since I have started this and I am not even half through it. It could be because I work on this only during weekends.
Life is something similar to painting colors on a pre-decided numbered drawing of this sort. There are innumerable ways to screw it up; mess up the colors or mix incorrect proportions. If the current status of painting is validated against the standard painting, its easier to fix it. But then again, it requires effort and additional resources do so. I have seen many leaving those mistakes as such in their paintings. For some, it makes them realize about the haste in which they made that mistake or a genuine error in selecting the color.
However if you follow the rules faithfully, then the end result is something that is expected and something definitely worth remembering. It's the kind of predictability that many look for. Even though every human is drawn from different sets of blueprints, people generally refine themselves to mould to a certain standard version thus losing individuality down the drain. Sometimes, I do wonder, isn't a predictable result much better than a risky one?
There is also a possibility that the quality of the painting can be modified choosing colors on our own. In the end, the result may not be as beautiful as it was intended at the start but it would be definitely unique on its own. Even if the kaola bear would look like a monkey (thats what my friend said when she looked at the painting), it still is my own. Its my pride. Its something that I call "Its my creation; my own" (notice the "I-me-myself" syndrome) I feel unnaturally happy when someone tells me that this painting looks nice.
Kinda cool no?

Shakuntala, Kalidasa and pulp fiction

2009-04-10T09:13:00.000+05:30

"I think the tale of Shakuntala is highly overrated."
"But it was one of the most noted works in the history of Sanskrit literature. Not to mention the most famous poet/author of all time-Kalidasa."
"True. Still, I believe its overrated. The story itself is a famous legend and here comes a guy who narrates in his perspective making the King look like a bad guy. Seriously, one would think King Dushyanta as a liar-who-got-a-girl-pregnant-and-walked-away-on-her."
"But that's exactly what he did!"
"That's exactly what Kalidasa said in his works. No one really knows what really happened thousands of years. There are bits and pieces of facts lying here and there in various sources. All he did was compiled it, edited it and drew an outline. Wherever there were blanks, he filled it with too many details of the lady, valor of king and nature and used a flowery language. If you ask me it is must be the first soft porn ever written. And the most popular plot for a story to boot."
"You can't really talk like this about the most famous and most read literature by any student in Sanskrit or any Indian Language. Calling it that????"
"The King is made to look like a loser and a spineless man who cannot accept the woman with whom he had an affair. Look at the era in which he ruled. Those were the days when kings stuck to their oaths and vows till the very end. And Dushyanta was no ordinary man. He was an emperor who ruled most parts of India that time. I believe there was more than that."
"But there is this curse on Shakuntala which made Dushyanta forget all about her! That cant be untrue."
"Maybe. But I believe he was more scared of a scandal."
"A Scandal???"
"Think about it. We are talking about an age where Gods visted earth as often as we visit our backyard. And some mortals visited Gods' abode too. Dushyanta was a popular king. He was wise, just and treated his subjects fairly. Even history accounts for that. Also he was the future of Hastinapur. Men tend to make these kinds of guys as their role model. Its just not this century where popular rock stars, politicians, dynamic businessmen are considered as role models. Those days the Kings, queesn, princes took that place. And Dushyanata belonged to the most famous and oldest clan of monarchy with roots that dates back to some eons. Oldest ones among this clan being some Gods. The scandal could cost everything that was earned over the centuries. He knew that people could tolerate a tyrant king, an evil king or an unjust king. But he knew that things with his people would never be the same as he would have lost the credibility of his character. You can tolerate people looking at you with fear, awe, boredom with your eyes. But never an eye that is judging you. Thats why he didnt accept Shakuntala when she visited him in the castle."
"Its logical, but...."
"Its not a literature material. People would not read it. They need something to talk about, grieve about, bitch about and in the end be happy about. Logical, analytical explainations wouldn't leave you wanting to read literature again. It would just be a simple story of a simple boy and a simple girl with usual complications of life."
"But you see, a simple boy becomes a spineless coward because of his passion. The simple girl becomes the victim because of her innocence and vulnerability. And the usual complications of life becomes the turning point of the entire history. Shakuntala and Dushyanta's son was Bharata, the name our country carries. No matter what the reasons behind their actions were, Kalidasa kept their names alives even after so many millennia."
"So your point being...."
"He made a stupid story damn popular."

The meeting

2009-04-10T00:03:00.001+05:30

The meeting is in the lunch hall. Its at same time, same place everyday. We buy our lunches, pick up tables and sit in the hall with our respective friends across the hall. We are two complete strangers not knowing the others name or any other information for that matter. The anonymity relaxed us immensely; or so it seemed. After about three quarters of an hour, we pick our empty plates and dump them in the sink. His eyes are reproachful at the sight of my plate which still has some food left. I avert my eyes and give him a small shrug as if I was sorry. He nods his head slightly as though accepting my apology. I hear my friends calling my name and asking if I am up to a glass of juice. They always ask and I always give an assertive nod. These conversation has become more of a ritual than habit. He is there at the juice counter. He asks for grape juice and I for an orange juice, as usual. Again, we take our mugs to our respective friends. Our eyes meet across a sea of people. He is laughing at something his friend has said and I am scowling at my friend for a naive comment. He raises his eyebrows in question and seem to ask me -"Are you alright?" Its still a wonder how he could see me standing so far with so many people around us. I continue arguing with my friend but with a smile on my face. I finish my drink and look around before I leave this lunch hall. I see him leaning on the wall in the same fashion as before. He raises his glass by just a notch. I mimic his action and we look away from each other at the same time. As I walk past him, our eyes meet once for a fraction of second and I completely understood what it meant "Till tomorrow then"

Things I am thankful for...

2009-03-24T22:16:00.009+05:30

11 things for which I am thankful for:

1. Mute button on speaker phones. (Listen-get irritated-mute-rant-mood better-mute off-Talk)
2. Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V, Ctrl+A, Ctrl+S, Ctrl+Z
3. Hanuman Chaalisa in a tiny book.
4. Concept of blogs.
5. Head phones (for privacy and to drown out noises)
6. Tiny sugar packets that you get in CCD.
7. Espresso.
8. Shia LeBeouf.
9. Criminal Minds (TV show. Watch it people)
10. Nail Polish.
11. Rubik's cube.

I might modify this list in future...

Gift of anonymity

2008-10-21T08:24:00.005+05:30

I have gotten into the habit of fan fiction writing and its getting quite addictive. Its amazing how ideas come regularly if you only allow your mind to get a little creative and allow it dream whenever it wants. I remember a quote from Sandman. Lucien tells Matthew that there must have been numerous novels that he liked that were dreamed by authors but unfortunately, none of them were ever written on paper. I have started scribbling everything that comes to my mind which could be a probable story. I have numerous drafts lying around because of this. An old colleague had emailed me the other day. He writes, "I am more scared of the death of mind than physical death itself." I had found it odd when I read his note. I am a believer in the fact that no matter how much one's mind is capable of, it still needs a body for its meaningful existence. Our most scriptures presses the fact that our bodies are mere vehicles to our minds. So to his credit, my friend does have some logic in his statement. He has a phobia of losing his mind. His biggest fear is that one day he would go completely insane and he would be scared of everything that his mind would show him. Talk about paranoia.
Over the weekend I watched a Japanese movie where a girl uses a coffin as a bed. It was amusing to see that she did that to save money to buy a flat in a floor greater than five in a posh locality of Tokyo. She wanted to buy that flat because someone had once told her that if she ever wanted to commit suicide, then she should at least live as high as in fifth floor. So to have that option open, she saves money by sleeping in a coffin, working on multiple jobs and basically living her life. It was an odd tale with a semi-happy ending.
Anonymity is a wonderful gift, especially in the internet domain. I had always thought that it gave a great freedom to whatever one wanted without their own friends or peers judging them. It was a refreshing thought. Sometimes by looking at certain information of someone's profile, we automatically become judgmental and perhaps become a biased critique. I have stopped visiting social networking site because of that reason. Its very irritating to see people trying to have meaningful conversations over "scraps" or "wall" rather than picking up the phone and calling or even writing a decent length email. As usual, "busy" is the reason that I get to hear from people. I think there is something terribly wrong with the way I am since I seem to be the only person I know who seem to have enough time. Is it only me who is not doing something that almost everyone seems to be doing? Odd.

Generation gap and Boy bands and music!!!

2008-10-13T20:10:00.004+05:30

I remember writing a piece called "Memories of Autumn" or something along those lines. It was written for a friend as a challenge. It was written completely in first person's point of view which I had obsession with a while ago. I was revisiting that old post seeing if there is any opening to write a follow up. At that time I did not like that story very much. It was too cheesy for my liking, but as I promised, I had posted it. I came across it today and I reread it. Actually, its not as bad as I thought it was before. Its quite decent and very lyrical. I am thinking now, very seriously, for a follow-up. This would be again in first person but this person would be the other person from first post. Yeah, well, lets see how it goes.
My parents and I have a huge generation gap. I am stuck in 70s and 80s music and movies where my parents are more people of tomorrow. Last evening my choice of monsoon evening food/snack was akki rotti. My dad ordered a pizza. I listen to melancholic Kishore Kumar music where my dad listens to pop.
Currently I am hung upon music that I haven't listened to in a while. I was pretty excited to discover Bryan Adams music on my office system. I think its been years since I have listened to him. Also, there was music from Backstreet Boys, Boyzone and some other 90s boy band. It felt as if I was back in college, gushing over Ronan or Nick Carter. I listened to most of the music and deleted from my system. I prefer "The Clash" or "Poco" any day.
I have picked up most music from TV shows. Its strange how most shows, even in case of a hardcore police procedural, I get to hear some very nice music. Thats how I first listened to "Poco", "Sage Frances", "Placebo" and "Black rebel motorcycle club". I love their works.

Phobia

2008-10-08T22:57:00.006+05:30

Ceiling fans are creepy. Period. My phobia for ceiling fans is not new and all my life I have managed to spend less and less time sitting/standing/working under a ceiling fan. The personification of "Fate" has to be a sadist person. In my office, my cubicle is magically placed between two ceiling fans. Alright, one is really really close and the other is slightly off my cubicle. But still, its there. My office ceiling is not too high and the guy in neighboring cubicle on my right has a habit of running the fan at full speed. So is my other neighbor. Half the time I am looking up like a moron expecting the fan to fall on my head any second and the rest of the time I am shivering. Its crazy.
I am also terrified of automobiles, but not much since I drive one. I drive really slowly mentally calculating all possible ways of getting into an accident. To overcome this, I started thinking about odd facts, weird facts and sometimes about the project that I am working on. Its strange how I can drive back to my house and when I park my vehicle, I realize that the whole journey back home was hazy. Most of the times I kind of wake up while driving and wonder when did I pass petrol bunk. Well, my vision is not much to be desired for, so I am basically blind as a bat during night. Solution for this is to either get home before its dark or take a bus. My option is the latter one.
Auto phobia is not that common but I don't think that its weird. I know few people who are scared of automobiles. But ceiling phobia? Its beyond weird. Or so I am told.

Truth and Honesty - A conversation

2008-10-06T21:42:00.001+05:30

I remember a conversation that I had with a friend over dinner sometime during May; it was about truth and honesty. His argument was - that one cannot survive by telling the truth. Also, truth by itself does not exist. Because one can come up with a logical and a very complex rule that can make truth ambiguous. An absolute truth is anything but ambiguous. All of us accept that sun rises in east. There is enough scientific evidence for that; evidence that is irrefutable. But the whole statement is based on certain set of preconceived accepted fundamental facts; east is in the direction that the sun rises. So, inherently, the statement "sun rises in the east" is always true. Thus, truth becomes a matter of perspective of a group of massive proportion and cannot be contested logically. If one would have a kind of mania for truth (for telling, I mean), then it would be from the perspective of the person in question. If a man were to hold my friend at gun point and ask me to answer a question and if by being truthful my friend could potentially die, then what power would the truth has?
I have read pages and pages of articles talking about truth and honesty, but no one really talks about the price of being honest. Being honest need not be being truthful. If I tell you that I lied to you yesterday in my blog, then I am being honest. But being truthful is much difficult and the price is much costlier than one would expect.
In the given social construct, one cannot be truthful. I do not agree that it is possible to utter the truth and expect that being truthful is the greatest virtue. If a man cannot empathize for another man, be it by lying or by deceit, then no amount of truth could bear the cost of comfort.
I remembered this conversation today because of the predicament that I was in. I was in a dilemma as to being truthful or be a good friend.
I chose to be a good friend.

I like...

2008-10-04T00:42:00.003+05:30

There is something very attractive about tragedies and something very intoxicating about heartaches. I have always liked some amount of angst compared to lighthearted entertainment but of late, it simply gives me a headache. I blame migraine.
I find it very hard to answer people what I like. When my boss asked me today, it was kind of hard to answer. Whatever I answered him was truth but it was not the complete truth. I had not realized the things that I liked till I actually sat down and analyzed every word I had told him. I like Origami. A lot. I have not memorized the folds, but always refer to books and print outs which has instructions. I like to read. I have stopped reading everything and started to read some particular genres only. I like hunting for comic books. I like reading them again and again, especially Sandman and The Sadhu. I like music; 80s are my favorite. I also happen to like movies; personal preferences are - horror, action/adventure, thriller, crime and animation. I like Japanese language. I learn it in my spare time. I like misty mountains. I like frozen coke. I like churumuri. I like work when there is stress; thats the time when I am most productive.
Well, when I start thinking about what I like, the list seems to grow. Its not uncommon to see that these likes getting changed over the years. Once we grow, we undergo a situation, face a life altering experience, a change is seen in a person overnight.
In reality I actually like to cook. I never tell that to any friends for the sole reason that people have rarely seen me cook during my stint working in foreign countries. Its amusing to see people concluding that I don't cook because I don't know how to cook rather than I don't cook because I am lazy. I don't believe in concluding after reading body language or by judging someone's attitude by certain choice of words. I think that people are more than that. Of course there is a possibility that a man would behave exactly in the same way than another man when they are both put into same position. I know that most people argue about it, but when you think about it, in most stressful situation, people at some quantum level behave the same.
Here is the parting Question: What is the difference between truth and honesty?

Being busy and being a hero...

2008-09-30T20:19:00.003+05:30

OK. The last few posts have been really depressing. I really like to write about something nice and funny and cute, but irrespective of the way each blog seems to begin, it somehow warps itself in cynicism and ends with a dose of depressing reality. And I happen to like them that way.
I have come to believe that there is no such thing called "I am busy". There are only priorities. If I want to do something, all I have to do is to make it a high priority item and irrespective of my work load, I will end up doing it. I have been meaning to post this for last four days. Things are pretty hectic to even login to messenger and it somehow slips my mind.
Here is an interesting thought. I was watching this show, a crime drama, where in a guy commits a true act of bravery. While everyone around him praises him for being a hero, his boss is not at all amused. He says that a man becomes a hero when he realizes that the job can be only done by the man himself and not by anyone else and that shows how much the man trusts his team. Of course, in comic world or in cinemas, definition of a hero is something very romantic and very emotion stirring - in a good way. I had always liked those definitions and I believed in them. I believe that heroes are made and not born. I believe that heroes are ordinary men doing extraordinary things in certain situations. But now, I am not so sure. Most of these definitions hold good for superheros. But for an ordinary man to become a hero, there have to be so many failures around him (both people and the system) that one act of bravery (sticking to the morals, for example) makes that man a hero. This leaves me with lots of confusion and questioning my own beliefs about heroes and bravery.

Midnight adventure

2008-09-27T13:45:00.005+05:30

"You will find an adventure an every turn if one small thing is forgotten. Or goes wrong." Last night was an adventure and something that has never happened before. One of the guys in the apartment complex where I live got hurt and went out to help him. In the midst of chaos of getting him to taxi, instructing another friend, I forgot to pick keys to my apartment. Once the guys drove away, it struck that I was locked out of my apartment. It was a cold night, I was in my night wear, flip flops and my cell phone with hardly three Franks balance left. After making a call to my friend (by the way I am really glad I have friends who can help me at any time of the day or night in this case) he picked me up in a taxi. I could not go back to the apartment as there was no one inside anymore. I slept over this friend's place last night. On top of all this, I have to catch a flight tonight and have loads of packing to do.
No matter how well one plans for future, one wrong turn in the path and the whole future becomes different. I wonder, what would have happened if I had not taken a taxi after my dinner and instead taken a bus. I would not have helped the guy in apartment complex and I would be typing something lame in this blog from my apartment itself. Everything happens for a reason. Most of the time this reason remains unknown. Sometimes, these reasons make you skid and scrap your knees. When you take a moment to sit down and recover from the sudden jerk, the reasons that eluded had eluded senses in the past comes to give a sudden clarity.
After seeing the guy alone in his room, hurt, bleeding and unconscious, the first thought that came to my mind was - It could have been me. When I was waiting for my friends to arrive, I had ample of time in my hands to think over what had happened over last couple of hours. Ever since the dawn of civilization, man has never been a lone creature. Man was always part of a pack or a group and slowly moved to social structure where the size of the group reduced but man was never alone, per Se. Having independence is good; living alone is good too. But at the cost of what? During the time of need, no man is independent. We have been and will always be dependent on another human; be it for primal purposes or for the sake of companionship.
I wonder, if I were to live alone and something would happen to me and if I had no friends with whom I would talk constantly, would anyone miss me for sometime? If I was back at home in India, then its a different story. But in a foreign country, living the way I currently live, what would have happened?
Suddenly, I am very scared of being alone. (My friend has promised to talk to me every half an hour once. I am so grateful for that.)

How to pick the right wine for a dinner party?

2008-09-26T02:40:00.002+05:30

I think from now on, I should simply give in to my instincts and write whenever I feel like writing. As in I thought of something last night, a short story, but I was too exhausted after an awesome evening of wining and dining with friends.
I explained to a colleague of mine, the facts about arranged marriages. He had only read about it in books and heard stories from friends but never had heard about someone actually admitting that arranged marriages are good idea. Everything has its own pros and cons and so does arranged marriage. It was interesting to see his eyes go wide and exclaiming "Really?" repeatedly.
I can count the number of occasions that I have had with one hand. Last night I decided to pick up a bottle of wine for couple of friends with whom I dine very often (well, its more like they cook and I eat) as I assumed that they both liked wine. But being me, I called couple of people to ask about good wine and both of my resources turned out to be pretty useless. So I asked one of the girls in the store to help me out. I knew three things about the wine that I wanted. 1. Red 2. French 3. Little strong. Apart from that I was OK with any variant. Well, this girl called her boss and they spoke in German for few minutes, leaving me to drown in my own muse. The lady boss called her boss who turned out to be an old man who claimed that he had tasted every wine in the store and was a big fan of wine himself. He said, he had to know some things before he could select a wine for me.
1. Who was the wine for? (Friend/s, Boy/Girl Friend, family, colleague (very close, casual, boss, peer, junior) etc.
2. Type of food (Veggie (Spice : hot, medium or bland), Meat - type of meat)
3. Type of atmosphere (sober, party, get together, celebration)
4. Number of people (apparently this is a crucial information)
5. Type of people - Social (party animals, party once a while, out going, introvert etc)
6. Type of people - Behavior (Aggressive, passive etc)
7. Ratio of men to women in the group.
8. How do people take their coffee (I did not understand the correlation between wine and coffee)
These are some of the points that he asked before selecting the wine. There are a few more, but I cant seem to remember right now. Will update this post when I do remember.
After about forty minutes of deliberation, the man finally selected a wine called Mount something, forgot the name already. It was really good and somehow everyone seemed to love it. People, here, I see that they are very particular about what they want. Their expectations are clear and so are their wishes and their plan. Sometimes it sounds really good since one would know the path they would be taking in future, but then again, wouldn't that be a tad bit boring?W

The first crack in perfection

2008-09-23T03:39:00.004+05:30

Shoe's challenge to write a story based on the word - "Impermanence". For me the word means - not constant. I am sure there are varied antonyms for it but I am going to go and write a short snippet based on the meaning that I am aware of.
The story here is very abstract and its something I have gone through. I am sure almost everyone would have had something like this in their lives; irrespective of the fact that they realize it or not.

"You know, there are no permanent fixtures in your life. Usually you believe that there is - a person, a thing or a feeling; but one day, it falls apart. It doesn't crumble to dust in one shot or overnight. It happens gradually and so slowly that every memory of it haunts you for the rest of your life. It fails you to hold on to that constant landscape that you always retreat to when everything becomes suffocated and life simply reduces to creases on your forehead. If you were to explain every tiny little feeling that each of your cell would feel when there is a jolt of odd feeling that someone you admire, respect and have come to assume as a friend that you can rely on anytime, utter a callous statement, you could perhaps earn a credit for physiology - since describing that feeling would mean explaining reaction by every vital organ of your body because of the unexplainable hurt caused by each of your nerve ends. If you are really honest in the way you show your emotions on your face, then perhaps you could be a study in disappointment. The way your face would fall, wiping any humor in your eyes, erasing the casual smile that you were sporting only moments ago, sudden constriction in your throat, the loud beating of your heart in your ears and a sudden heat that arises from the base of your neck and travels all the way to your cheeks to warm them and tinge them with a rosy hue of embarrassment. In that moment, all you can do is nod and flee the room as quickly as possible to hide the disappointment you felt when you heard those words for the first time. One might ask you, is your friendship so shallow that you get hurt by mere words from that person. It would be hard to explain to people around you the way you are feeling as it's not even close to being rational. In a little while you will come to terms with your embarrassment and move on. But you have realized that it's only a matter of time when words that bother you and hurt you would become more frequent and somehow they would also bother less and less and one day, these words wont matter at all. They would feel empty and would be just some words spoken by a stranger. Then you wonder, if everything is ever permanent at all. Somehow, the answer does not scare you anymore."

Lazy Sunday - Movies, packing and a handful of odd thoughts

2008-09-22T02:06:00.005+05:30

"A pang of cold feeling erupted from the last bone of my spinal cord, traveled through the length of my back, swirling through the ribcage, suffocating my lungs, punching my gut and finally clutched my heart in a death grip as cold as your hurtful words."
You asked for the complete line for the one that I posted in my last post Shoe. So, here it is. Above line is way too depressing compared to what I wrote earlier, don't you feel that?
Amidst my packing, cleaning and organizing myself for my travel coming weekend, I managed to squeeze in three movies. One was a Korean movie about a man who thinks that he is a Superman; he helps people in his neighborhood and that is his job. It was a feel good movie. The second movie for the evening was a Japanese one about two students who discover that they are half siblings during a marathon. The third one for the day was Star Wars but in German. To watch Star Wars, for me, the language of broadcast is highly irrelevant. I know all the dialogs from memory.
As usual, a parting thought. Life and death co-exists in this cosmos; one does not has a meaning without the other. In our body there are cells dying and cells getting born every moment. In this aspect, our body is finely tuned with cosmos. When I think about it, our body, its functions and life of a man in itself resembles the way this universe operates. Shankaracharya's words makes sense. "Aham brahmasmi"
Now that I think about this, even Popoye says something similar. "I am what I am"

Dissecting a heart break

2008-09-21T17:28:00.005+05:30

"The cold feeling started from base of spine and twirled around rib cage to clutch the heart in a steely grip of your hurtful words..."
I wrote this line on a whim while watching a movie when two protagonists have an argument. I liked these words and put them as status message on my GTALK. In few minutes I had a friend buzzing me saying that this line has grammatical errors. He wasn't sure where or what was wrong with the statement, but it just didn't "sound" correct. After talking to him, even I started getting this feeling that maybe the sentence is incorrect. Sometimes I think I sport this arrogant attitude of "I know better". So today, I decided to check if I had made a mistake. I checked this statement in three different online grammar checking tools and two of them told me that there are no errors and the third one said - 'Incorrect combination of nouns and tenses'. :-) Now, I am assuming that the line is correct. :-)
Here is a thought. If we were to dissect every tiny feeling, emotion and our body reaction at cellular level when we get hurt by words, we would perhaps die a little death literally every time there is a heart break. Or just go mad. Or both.
Whatever.

Shopping vs Project Management

2008-09-21T02:20:00.003+05:30

Nothing is refreshing than a hot shower after a hectic day of shopping; and nothing beats watching a good action movie in candle light, eating yogurt (berry flavored) on cool September evening.

Shopping, I find is no fun when there is a list available and have to shop in the given amount of time. As in, there is a specific amount of time to spent in a mall or a shopping center and there are specific items to buy in each store. I find it very similar to normalizing processes. It ensures that I buy everything that I had initially planned for in the stipulated amount of time, but while executing this, I might miss out on some sales in certain shops; or some new goods or things of interests or just a new shiny thing. I wonder this is what happens during a project too. From the company's perspective, they are interested in getting the job done on time, which is fair from their point of view. But that problem that I see is the person who is innovative somehow gets bound to these processes; doing something new which may/may not affect the overall integrity of the project is never a part of day job.
Today, I bought everything that I had planned to buy from the mall where I had been. I also bought some stuff which are useful but was not a part of my plan earlier.
So, here is a thought - Isn't it wise to keep our options open when we plan for something - be it project or a shopping list or our life itself. We might miss out on a life changing experience or a miracle or a sale or an innovative idea because we are afraid to deviate from the grand design. But then again, having a plan might give predictable results, but they are always safe and secure. In the end a dilemma remains; safe and secure or unpredictable and creative?

Pizza party!!!

2008-09-20T02:20:00.004+05:30

I went to a pizza party today. A colleague of mine, who is an Italian, had invited me to this pizza party. He had prepared his own pizza base and had odd combinations of toppings. I had a slice of pear+Gorgonzola, a slice of tomato+peppers, mozzarella+tomato, honey+mozzarella+apricot, fresh green chillies+black olives. It was amazing. Also, another colleague had got some nice French wine and the conversation flowed into the evening quite nicely. Evening was good and we parted after exchanging horror stories. The village in which I live is deserted most of the time and the roads are mostly empty. Its surrounded by hills and forests thus making it an excellent setting for a horror movie. N0w, the flat in which I live was a part of a restaurant before. Its a big establishment with 6 rooms, a huge kitchen and old pub now turned to dining area. The floors creek, everything is wood and it has lots of creepy passages; not to mention too many cellars and storage area. When I plan to direct my first movie, I will come back to this place to shoot for my horr0r movie.
The first day when I came here, I could listen to church bells every quarter, noises from flight (its close by to airport) and noises from insects. Its dead quiet most of the time. I like the silence though. Living in this flat has been a very nice experience till now. Will have to see if I can come back here sometime in future to explore the area much thoroughly.
A tiny good-bye thought: Its odd how you could go to a totally new place and feel at home and live in one house for years and yet feel like a stranger and like you don't belong there. I wonder if all the hulla-hoopla about feng-shui is really true and so is our vaastushaastra?

September blues...

2008-09-19T10:32:00.006+05:30

I am one of the last ones left. The death toll has exponentially increased as weeks have progressed. Sometimes, even flutter of the wings of a butterfly was enough to cause someones death. I was the youngest to arrive and perhaps would be the last to fall. They say its a joy to see the birth and growth of a young one. I didn't have the pleasure or luck to see that happening in my time here. I have seen humans sighing at the sight of a tree in autumn, the colors bring a warmth in the otherwise bitter season. I believe the greatest insult to the season would be calling it 'romantic'. Its far from it. The melancholy of the season could be perhaps truly experienced by Byronic souls. Purple skies, orange pumpkins, longer nights, occasion drizzle, chilly days, marsh mellows, red leaves, homemade pies and much more things make up Autumn. Sometimes I wish to live long enough to see the winter. Fluffy snow, overcast mornings and the whole place covered in glorious white. It might be a bit color shock for me to see only one color after experiencing the rich autumn, but hey, I am game. Its surprising how nature works. Spring starts with one color - green. Then the color starts. In the end, only white remains. I have never been this philosophical. I was mostly of the carefree and buoyant. Is this the fear of death or acceptance of death that has made me so?

Blog look changed...yet again

2008-09-19T03:48:00.004+05:30

The last time I made changes to this blog, it was as late as it is now and I was as bored as I am now. I have been planning to do this for quite sometime and somehow managed to remember to do it today. The new look is fairly simple and straight forward. There are no fancy stuff here nor there are too many links to here and there. I tried seven skins before deciding upon the current one. I am not too fond of girly stuff which ironically the most popular on web. I find mixing black and pink to be very alluring and web designers seem to think in that way as well. There are huge number of skins based on these colors only. Its like watching two extremes of nature coming together. Its very sensual sometimes and sometimes its plain exciting. The thing that captured my attention is the stiletto in side bar and turquoise color splashes.
Finding was one thing. Next came fixing this HTML page to suit my needs. For last year and half, I have been drowned in Swings, thus HTML seems a little foreign to me. In the end I remembered that color specification is actually given in CSS which is declared (or whatever) in the beginning of the sheet. I have to still find a way to fix the font.

Fanficiton fixation

2008-09-18T04:53:00.005+05:30

My latest fad/obsession is fan fiction; both reading them and writing them. No matter how crappy the story is, I would still read them. Some are so irritating and annoying that I feel like leaving dirty flaming comments which would be lengthier than the original story itself. I know that am not a great writer, but for me being in character is the most important thing. If you deviate from the character, I see little point in calling it "fan fiction". I have seen authors' in fan-world giving lots of excuses/reasoning behind their character's behavior along the lines of "its my story" and "anything is possible" or "character development". Its not that I hate those kind of fictions but I fail to connect with them. But then again, its just me; an obsessive freak about characterization, thats all.
I like the way Smita Jain writes; be it her blogs or her book(s). Her posts are like a ramble, a conversation shared with a friend. I enjoy reading her posts and read them regularly.
I am back in the world of writing blogs on a daily basis since I am convinced that no one really visits my blog. :-)
Here is a parting thought. Today my colleague, who happens to be a German, told me that he ran a search on my name and didn't find any references except LinkedIn connections. He was surprised that I was not a part of any mailing archive or any technical groups. I told him I used my alias everywhere and he was pretty surprised about it. He didn't see a point in using an alias in a technical forum. But I for one, see no need to use my real name.
With the invasion of social networking and other websites, anonymity is becoming a luxury.

Thats all for today!

Believing is seeing

2008-09-14T14:53:00.000+05:30

Summary: Life comes in a pair of opposites. Universe itself is created that way. Life and death co-exists in this cosmos and one doesn't have an existence without the other.

----

"A new beginning can start from the depths of an end; like winter", she said.

"A grand beginning can only grow from the death of a life; like autumn", he said.

"True love is seen in the eyes of the mother when she sees her new born child", she said.

"True love is seen in the eyes of the mother who sees the first spark of wisdom twinkle in the eyes of her newborn; the child knows that the love his mom has for him is the purest of all", he said.

"Disappointment is when a little boy sees his first grades of his life which tells him that he is not the best in class", she said.

"Disappointment is when that little boy's mom asks him how come he wasn't the first in his class", he said.

"First kiss is nerves and a quick smack; like a tennis shot", she said.

"First kiss is liberating and free falling; like skydiving", he said.

"Growing up is learning about responsibility and power, planning future and channeling life in a pre-determined path", she said.

"Growing up is full of friendships, first love, heart breaks, part-time jobs, cramming for exams and dreaming of becoming a superhero", he said.

"It's important to know what we are before we try to find out who we are", she said.

"The journey of finding oneself begins with losing one's self", he said.

"Choices help us make our own destiny", she said.

"Choice is an illusion; it is choosing the most logical fork in the given path with a semi-predicted outcome", he said.

"Suffering comes from attachment", she said.

"Hope and anticipation of better things comes after suffering from attachment", he said.

"Cruelty is when a man takes another man's life for the sake of petty profits; be it emotional or monitory", she said.

"Cruelty is when a man doesn't help a fellow human in need and hurts him because of differences in their beliefs", he said.

"Reality is merely a sum of twists and turns of decisions that you take and every time you make a choice, you create a new path for reality", she said.

"Reality is merely a balance of opposites", he said.

"Love is me; marriage is a whole lot of people, church, wedding license, gown fitting, endless shopping, planning, stress and lots of drama", she said.

"Love is us; marriage is us; everything else is unimportant", he said.

"Being a good mother is the most rewarding experience of all", she said.

"Raising a responsible child is the most rewarding experience of all", he said.

"The worst thing that can happen to a parent is to get hurt by their children", she said.

"The worst thing that can happen to a parent is to watch their child getting hurt by their grand child", he said.

"No matter how you grip the sand, it always slips away; like life", she said.

"If you add water to the sand, it stays put for sometime, however little time that is; like life", he said.

"Death is the grand finale of life which in its wake leaves a bunch of memories", she said.

"Death is a spectacular beginning of an adventure that no living person has experienced before", he said.

"Everything in this universe comes to an end", she said.

"Everything in this universe goes back to the beginning", he said.

"Believing is by seeing", she said.

"Believing is seeing", he said.

"Coffee?", she said.

"Smoothie", he said.

Seven Saturdays: Seventh Saturday

2008-06-30T02:04:00.005+05:30

A goodbye, a see-you-later and a train ride...

“What’s with the back pack?”

Have you seen these people who travel all over the world looking for an adventure, searching for new things and learning about new cultures? They seem so accomplished, worldly wise and ironically they would not have toured their own country. It’s kind of taken for granted that something that is nearby is always easily attainable. I paused for a couple of minutes. Actually, I came here today to take a train to this place which is an hour ride from here. The place is rich in its cultural history, fine arts and what not so we thought we can check it out; kind of a field trip you know.

“We?”

I studiously ignored the question and continued with my rambling. I still had an hour to the train and I was already in the right platform. All I had to do now was to wait; for the train and for her. I had no problem in waiting as it gave me a lot of time to think and ponder, observe people around me and simply talk without any inhibitions. It’s really hard to be that way with another human being, given the fear of judgmental attitude that all of us seem to possess. I cannot callously speak about something and expect people to accept it as my point of view. Even though ideally that’s how it should be, but its not how it is. Between what we are and who we should be, comes our society. I am really glad that I have two such personalities in my life. I can ramble on my thoughts, literally think out aloud and get away with it. I am not scared of being mocked up on for my line of thought nor am I scared of the fact that after I finish my rambling, my friends would think of me otherwise. It’s a nice secured feeling.

“I take it it’s your friend from your class who is accompanying you in your journey.”

The statement is so loaded and so ironic on so many levels that I simply let it slide. I just nodded my acknowledgement. She asked me if I was interested and I had nothing else to do, being summer vacation and everything. I purposely deviated from the topic. Each and every one of us starts off as a blank slate; be it relationship or otherwise. Over the years things get written and get committed to our memories. We make memories as we go along, sometimes documenting in a tangible way of pictures, journal entries, greeting cards, gifts, trinkets and sometimes these memories are safely hidden in the crevices of the brain. It’s logical for a person to revisit these memories during the course of life. There was a time when I believed that hanging on to memories crippled me in way that slowed down my movement towards future. Off late I have realized that it’s not too bad to revisit old conversations, read a year old journal entry; it gave me an entirely different perspective of myself. It scared and elated me at the same time. My actions have defined me what I am today. I remember my first conversation with you ten months ago. It wasn’t one of my best days nor was I the best of company. If I remember correctly, I was contemplating on life, its meaning and my existence. Everything seems to have changed since then but everything still remains the same. I still get scared of bullies in my school, I still am an average student, I still dislike sports, my parents still try to figure out what I am; but amidst all these, I have a friend at school whose sanity is alluring, I have a friend in you to talk about everything and nothing and I have rest of my life to figure out what the heck is this life is all about. I might skid, fall down and scrape my knee during this journey, but I am sure either you or her or even my parents would be there to put a band-aid and offer me a hand to get myself up. I paused to take a breath. You know, she asked me if I want to make some memories with her. For everything that has happened in last one year, for every board game that we have played and for every homework we have worked together, for every snack that we have shared, she wanted a memory that did not involve us being in school premises. I wasn’t going to deny her that. I was completely relaxed, stretched out on a bench, hands locked behind my head. I didn’t hear her sitting next to me until she started waving train tickets in front of my face. I smiled a greeting and walked towards the waiting train. I looked around the now familiar station. After all the time that I have spent here in last one year, ironically this is the first time that I am actually taking a train from here. I know it was here. I know that it always will be. I was contemplating on telling her about my Saturdays that are spent here. In the end I decided to let it be for now. There would be sometime in future I would tell her about the weakest moment of my life from which a strange bonding had begun between me and a friend. I just waved at general direction hoping it would catch my drift. I was moving on, on to a different journey; it wasn’t a good bye, a simple see-you-later. or

Once the train started moving, I heard a soft “Goodbye” amongst the other noises of the train machinery. I smiled and started talking to her. “Did you know that this place has…”

“The universe has a means of bringing all the things to a full circle. For some, this circle takes a short while and for some, this time is longer. It battles every day with every living and non-living thing to gain equilibrium of some sorts, a complete balance of everything; right and wrong, yin and yang, black and white, happiness and sorrow; as nothing is ever ideal or perfect, this is never attained and thus we have some being happy and some…not. I have seen that human life has more variables than absolute constants. Unlike constants, variables make life messy, unpredictable and make the results exciting. Till these variables exist, my story exists…and so do I.”

Seven Saturdays: Sixth Saturday

2008-06-03T22:18:00.006+05:30

It’s because I know that life is a luxury, I prefer to live it rather than spending it.

I think it’s the slump of my shoulders that gave away my guilt. Or is it just the fact that am standing on this platform hands in my pocket, looking everywhere and nowhere, choking on my own spit and desperately getting some words out. There were no promises of next time; there were no ‘see you later’, yet all I could muster was “I am sorry.” I don’t know what I am apologizing for and I was grateful when it didn’t press further. Awkwardness was the last thing that I wanted.

“I heard that an old man who practically lived in this railway station died this morning. But nothing looks different.”

“Well, what did you expect?”

“A sense of something has changed.”

“You know, couple of weeks ago I saw my parents reading some material which they successfully managed to hide as soon as they spotted me. I thought it was some X-rated material that adults read and hide them from their children thinking that their children are too innocent to read. I was totally gung-ho about it for the entire week and was really curious to know what they were reading when I wasn’t around. I snooped around the house one afternoon and found that material hidden between a copy of ‘Gardner for beginners’ and ‘101 gift ideas’. What I found was worse than some X-rated material. It was a psychology journal with articles mostly on adolescents. My parents were trying to figure me out. Using a book where every sentence had a ‘maybe’ or ‘can be’ or ‘probably’. Go figure. I wish humans came with a user manual. Just flip the pages, follow the instructions and do the right thing.” I slumped ungracefully on the bench. Sometimes I wish I was oblivious to everything around me rather than emotionally reacting to everything I see and hear. Reading between people’s expressions only shows tells me the things that they don’t want to say aloud.”

“Is it very hard for you to accept the fact that your parents are trying to understand what is going on in your mind? What they have for you is a feeling that is unconditional and has no pre-requisites. It just is. It is in your DNA to protect the younglings. They are simply following a natural and a biological imperative. They want to connect with their child.”

“You cannot really ‘figure’ someone out. Psychology, at its core is simply a set of standard behavior traits of human race in a certain socio-cultural demographic setting. Most of you humans originate from common gene pool, thus diluting these traits over thousands of years of evolution yet carrying something common. So it’s not hard to come to a logical conclusion about behavior of an individual based on the traits that they portray. Your conclusion might not be perfectly accurate, but you will not be far off from the bulls-eye either.”

“Is this a round about way of telling me that I am over analyzing things and acting like a five year old?” The gentle humming in the background simply affirmed my statement.

“There is a metaphorical screen between your ears and brain. The ears hear the things perfectly, but this screen interprets the words that are heard and sends it to the brain. During this juncture, the rules are applied. These rules have been formed over the course of your lifetime based on your experiences, intellect, knowledge and reasoning. ”

“Point of view. Perception. ”

“All your reactions starting from the first Saturday have been based on your point of view of life and everything else. No matter how hard you try, you cannot deny the change that you have undergone in past few months. Now tell me, has your point of view or perception changed over the course of time?”

“You know it has changed. I would not be here today whining about my adolescent angst if there were no changes in my perception.”

“And have you wondered why?”

I understood the direction in which the conversation was going.

“Here we are, surrounded by people, all immersed in their hectic lives, searching for a place to belong. A place where they are accepted just the way they are with flaws and everything and to meet that one person with whom they can connect. And once that connection happens it seems as if the last clue to the puzzle has been put in its place and everything would have a meaning; a new meaning.”

“What you thought was the last minutes of your life were actually dawn of a new beginning which has made you who you are today. Isn’t life a celebration of these beginnings?”

I smiled. When I left the station, I was thinking of the flavor of ice-cream I was going to pick for dinner and an opening for a conversation with my parents. Perhaps, they were as confused as me when it came to life; maybe they needed a new beginning too.

Next Week: Last Saturday. An ending, a beginning, an epilogue. The end justify the means.

Seven Saturdays: Interlude - Of price tags, wordplays and board games

2008-01-06T22:32:00.000+05:30

“Why are we sitting in an unused art room playing Pachisi skipping physical education class for which am sure either we will be punished or will hear a painfully long lecture about how physical ed is important to our ‘all around development’ ?”
“You are really talented you know. You manage to sprout long sentences in one breath without any grammatical errors.” Her grin looked awfully annoying.
“Answer my question.”
“I don’t like the idea of being tagged with a number based on extent of physical stamina that I would portray by running, jumping or some other form of physical activity. And sweating is yucky. Tagging system takes out the fun of actually playing a game. That’s why I prefer board games. Throwing dice is a part of the game that my opponent or I or even creator of the board games themselves for that matter can’t control. This makes it anyone’s game on any day.”
“You like this game because in the end you just blame on luck for losing. And your entire reasoning can be approximately translated to – lazy.”
“Perhaps I am. Every one and everything comes with a price tag. You pass a teacher in the corridor, in their heads they have this program which picks up the scores from your tests and out puts a suitable reaction on their faces. It’s not that I blame that they are this way, but sometimes judging people by their price tags is quite unfair. All of us are this way; just the parameters that we use to judge people as we grow up changes.”
“Approximate translation - Point of view. Do you like hearing your voice or are just making up long sentences to mean only couple of words?”
“I find immense pleasure in debating about contemporary subjects that touches an average adolescent mind as it’s very important for me to know and understand about my fellow peers since this knowledge would be the foundation of my future course of life wherever it might take but having this knowledge would always give me an additional brownie point to score over my fellow peers and this gives me an advantage in this competitive world to survive better, live better and perform better.”
“Approximate translation – Yes. Are so many words really necessary?”
“Words are necessary. For example if you give me a tragic love poem then I prefer being melancholic than being sad. Actions don’t really speak louder than words you know. Actions are just personification of words that’s all. If no word exists, then actions would have no meaning at all. They would be empty and hollow. But then again, sometimes it’s better to show people that you care and tell them that they are important to you by a simple action; like attending a meeting on time, keeping word or telling them that you miss them or visiting an old friend who helped you during your bad times.”
My hands froze over the Pachisi board. It’s been close to three months since my last visit to railway station. It’s hard to tell why we lose touch. I guess it’s because as soon as your pal is not in your line of vision everyday, they gradually fade away. There is only so much a phone call or an email can do. I don’t know why I stopped going. One Saturday I woke up and didn’t feel like going, and I didn’t. Wasn’t that bad?

“Are you OK?” She sounded worried.
“Yes. I remembered an old friend whom I am going to meet this Saturday who has helped me to pull through a rough patch.”

She simply smiled and rolled the dice.

Seven Saturdays: Fifth Saturday

2007-09-21T02:07:00.000+05:30

It’s because I’ve been loved that I’ve become stronger

I was disappointed to see that my regular bench in this station was already taken. Actually I was a bit early than my usual time. I had a lot of things on my mind so since morning I had just wandered around the town before ending up here.

We were studying world wars last week in my history class. You know what I observed? Of two thousand years of human history, I don’t think a single year has passed by without a war going in some parts of the world. I guess over the years us humans have been perfecting the art of killing each other. It was basically a peace propaganda done by schools to reduce fist fights in school premises. When I read about wars and battles, in many cases I find it amazing how they can give away their lives as if they were giving loose change to a homeless person. When a person commits suicide, at least they are doing it for themselves even if their reasons are sometimes downright dumb. Can an idea, can a feeling, can an emotion be so strong that one can give away life for the sake of others? Perhaps there is huh!

My history teacher stopped me in the hallway to have an idle chit chat. She wanted to know why I am always alone and have a faraway look in my eyes. Tell me is it really possible to read those things in someone’s eyes? It’s simply a guessing game I believe. She said I need to feel good about myself and start to appreciate myself a little. That bugged me a lot you know. First of all I don’t know what qualities I have. Secondly, if I did have some qualities, how would I know if they are good or bad? It’s possible that what is good to me might not be good to others. I didn’t tell my teacher all of this, but I told that nerd from my class when I met her after school for a game of Weiqi. I don’t hate myself or anything, but I don’t see anything great about me either. Right and wrong are so dependent on a person’s perception. Last year I convinced my older cousin to give me a cigarette. I had academic exposure to cons of smoking. I still wanted to try it and look cool for a change. I tried a cigarette, coughed a great deal and gave up smoking after four puffs. In the end, the smell it left in my mouth wasn’t worth any tones of coolness that I might acquire with a cigarette in my hand. I never considered that smoking is a wrong thing to do. Wouldn’t that contribute to the list of bad qualities?

We bought a snack right outside the school. My nerdy friend complimented the man who prepared the snack. The guy was blushing listening to her praise. I agree that the snack he made was very tasty, but I really didn’t know why she made such a big deal out of it. I rarely see anyone appreciating food eaten on roadside shops. Hell, I don’t remember complimenting my mom for a meal. She gave me reasons for her action.

“That man stands here for hours hoping that he would sell everything he has got for the day. For people like him, livelihood is quite tough. I liked the snack that he made, so I complimented him. He knows that he makes good snacks from the fact that we buy from him everyday. But what makes him truly happy is when he hears that he prepares them really well. We come across so many people in our day to day lives who contribute to our lives in their own small way. Snack vendors, garbage collectors, news paper delivery man, milk man, electricians and so on. We pay for their services of course, but with them being there, our lives have become a little easier. If I am happy with their services, then I tell them that they have done a good job. Acknowledge and appreciate any good thing that comes your way. The person responsible would be truly satisfied.”

I hadn’t really thought about it this way you know.

“One cannot find out the good qualities in herself of himself. It doesn’t work that way. A person can truly believe that they possess a certain quality, when they are told by someone else. Yes, that’s why your friend appreciates all nameless faces with whom you interact quite frequently. When you are doing a job, your salary is not a reward. It’s a payment for your services, skill and time. The real reward is when someone pats on your back and says, ‘That was a job well done mate!’ Humanity is truly amusing in this factor. No matter how powerful a man becomes, a sincere compliment would make him feel humble. No one in this world is too busy to acknowledge someone’s work. Perhaps that would be the lamest excuse ever!

You feel good about yourself when someone tells you first that they like you. By liking you, they are accepting you the way you are; with your flaws. Do you know what kind of a powerful feeling that is to know that no matter what your short comings are, there are some people around you who like you just the way you are? Most kids experience that kind of affection from their parents and relatives. As they grow up, things get less verbal and somehow everyone expects things to be understood in a subtle way. When there is no open expression of appreciation, it’s hard to believe if that feeling really exists. I like you. This is not an act of sympathy. I am just expressing what I feel. You are somewhere in between how it is and how it should be. That makes you a pretty tough nut to crack.

So, I gather she must have told you that she likes you by now. ”

Shut up.

Next Week: It’s because I know that life is a luxury, I prefer to live it rather than spending it.

Seven Saturdays: Fourth Saturday

2007-09-20T00:23:00.000+05:30

It’s because I know that one should choose either to change or to die, I prefer to change.

I came to the station this Wednesday you know. I came here with my childhood friend. Last week my mom ran to his mom in the supermarket and they decided that their children have to meet. I asked that guy to meet me in this station. I was feeling so weird to come here on a day which was not a Saturday. There weren’t many people around and it was quite peaceful at that time. If he was very surprised at the choice of my meeting place, he didn’t show it. I remember him from my younger days. He was this short little kid always jumping in the class to answer a question that teacher had asked. We used to walk home everyday from school. He was my first best friend. But I was really disappointed when I met him. I know people change. I know changes are inevitable. I even know that perhaps twenty years down the line I would fail to acknowledge the fact that I was border line suicidal in my younger days. But knowing things never really heal the hurt when you feel everything has changed. Perhaps that hurts the most; even after knowing that change is inevitable we still fail to accept things. I was not disappointed in what he did. I was disappointed because of what he didn’t do. It’s strange isn’t it? We humans are this way. Instead of appreciating what is good in a person, we first see what is not there in a person. Isn’t that the reason why so many Jews died in that holocaust? They didn’t die because they where Jews. They died because they weren’t something else. Last week I told you about that nerdy girl from my class right? Well yesterday she just came to me and asked me if I can play ping pong with her. Even before my brain processed what she was talking about, I heard her mutter that I should welcome changes. She just dragged me to the table and shoved a ping pong bat in my hands and we started playing. Then she said it.

“I cannot see you slip away into some kind oblivion. Even an eccentric idiot like you deserves a break. I don’t know if your problem is in your perception of things or it’s your inability to change. Perhaps you are the only kid in this class who hasn’t changed since we joined this institution. It’s a comforting thought that there are some things and some people around us always remain the same. Like a scenery. I don’t want you to be scenery.

Just like life, change happens too. You need to accept it and move on. Sometimes changes are good, but sometimes they are not; like humans. They way you co-exist with both good and bad people, in the same way you have to live with both good and bad changes. You know I’ve always imagined a perfect life for me when I was a little girl. To grow up into a beautiful girl, get noticed, impress people, get good grades, go to nice college, get awesome job, raise a family and so on. I could achieve some of those things. I am smart; I get good grades and perhaps will get into a life college. But when everyone sees me, they see a plain nerd, no life and loser sort of girl. Some years back I told this to my mom and she told me that may be I had to change myself. I took her words literally and changed my appearance, the way I talk, the way I walk; everything. Everyone in my class mocked at me. Why wouldn’t they? One day they saw a nerd and the next day they saw the same nerd acting like a fool. No one accepts drastic changes. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t happen. I went back to being nerd. Looking pretty all the time is a tough job and I wasn’t cut out for it. There is no need to change yourself because you feel pressurized by your surroundings. And there is no need to suppress a change either, because like life, change happens; whether you like it or not.”

I am not sure what she got out of that time nor do I know what I got out of it. But I know for sure that I am going to remember the time I spent with her for a very long time. I wouldn’t say forever because like stability, forever doesn’t exist.

“When will I get to meet her?”

Soon.

Next Week: It’s because I’ve been loved that I’ve become stronger.

Seven Saturdays: Third Saturday

2007-09-19T00:08:00.000+05:30

It’s because I know that if I can be emotionally hurt by one person, then I can be healed by another

“You seem happy today.” The rich baritone of the station mused. Yes, I sported a small smile today. I had come to like the time I spent in this station. It was the usual Saturday crowd and even the heavy downpour didn’t seem to faze people. Well, that’s life isn’t it? Missing the things that you had once loved and adored but let go of them for something stupid or something totally lame; like replacing an old home recipe with junk food. I start explaining the reason for my pleased look.

Do you know which kind of people I dislike the most? The ones who watch one kid getting bullied by another, bystanders who simply walk away when a person is hurting another person intentionally. Have you heard of bystander syndrome? It’s a theory about people who witness a crime and still do nothing about it thinking someone else might help. When I was young I thought other kids were scared to help the kid who was getting bullied because they were scared. They were scared that if they helped the kid in trouble, then the class bully might come after them next. I guess I was scared for the same reason too. As I got older, there were still bullies around me only I could see them outside the school too. They came in all shapes and sizes and were present everywhere; supermarkets, offices, bus, train, department store. Last week a guy from my class was bugging me and to avoid any unnecessary confrontations, I just kept quiet and took his crap. Most of the students minded their own business not because they wanted to get into trouble with this guy but because they particularly didn’t care. But there is this girl in my class who is kind of a nerd, came up to this guy and shouted at him to leave me alone. She literally dragged me without waiting to watch that guy’s reaction which I am pretty sure matched mine. My jaw was literally attracting flies and I had forgotten to blink for couple of minutes. I knew that the next time the guy sees me, he is going to lay it worse than before, but I didn’t give a damn because at that moment, someone cared for me. Do you know what kind of an exhilarating feeling that is? It made me happy. I have come to believe that something as simple as a human touch could heal deepest of the wounds. The thought of another person reacting because of my hurt, made me feel nice and important and for a change, it made me feel wanted. Well, after the girl dragged me out we didn’t necessarily have a “heart-to-heart” talk, did any “getting-to-know-each-other” act. She just glared at me and asked me to grow a spine and stand up to myself and departed from my presence in a huff. After couple of days I saw here sprawling under a tree. She said that people like me existed so that people like her, that is, the bystanders could live peacefully. She made me sound like a Greek tragic hero, but it left lot of unsettling thoughts in my mind. What do you think?

“Have you heard of Joshua Bell? He is a famous violinist, a child prodigy and carries a $3.5 million violin. Early January this year, he played in Washington DC subway during morning rush hour. Do you know how much money he collected by playing violin in one hour? Just $32. When he gives performances, the starting range of the tickets would be nearly $100. So why is that, such a famous musician didn’t manage to capture the attention of the people with his great music? It’s definitely not because the people didn’t care. People care for music. People care for creativity. People care about other people. But you know with so many things going on in their lives, they just don’t make these things as a priority that’s all. They are always in a rush to be somewhere, to do some things and to be someone. Nothing is as important as our lives isn’t it? You didn’t help the kid getting bullied because you were scared that the bully might come after you if you intervened. We care about ourselves more than we care about anything or anyone else. For a bully, being in control of others gives insulation to his/her own insecurities, for a bystander it’s ignoring that keeps them in a comfort zone. It’s natural and it’s instinctive; but that doesn’t mean to say that it’s the right thing to do.

This station has seen its share of fair amount of suicides. You know something funny about the people who committed suicide? Before they jumped in front of the train, they followed every traffic rule to keep themselves safe to come here all the way from wherever they were. Once coming here, they walked to the opposite platform using the stairs. They could have simply walked between the tracks right? They were going to die anyway. But you see, this human mind acts strange sometimes. People don’t die until and unless they want to and exactly the way they have pictured it. Till that moment of throwing themselves in front of the train, they love themselves the most. No matter how much you want to be like someone or how much you envy someone’s popularity, you don’t wish to be that person. You wish to see yourself in that person’s place. And your friend is right. You are the kind of person who brings peace to others. Do you know how amazing that is?”

I don’t know about amazing, but I sure feel like a Greek tragic hero; the one who goes mad in the end.

Next Week: It’s because I know that one should choose either to 'change' or to 'die', I prefer change.